Really like him but don't feel I can be with him

[Blackberrycloud]

Just wondered if anyone had any advice on this situation.

I was married to my ex for over 20 years. We have 3 teen dc. Marriage was rocky and DH was emotionally abusive for last 10 years. He moved out 8 months ago, he now lives locally and we share custody of the dc.

I met a guy almost 2 years ago through an interest/hobby. We really hit it off and I could tell we were both really attracted to each other. However I was at the start of trying to plan the marriage separation from my ex, then actually going through the separation, so it was never more than friendly chat with this guy (I'll call him M).

I split up with my ex, and M knew he had moved out. Whenever M and I met up, I felt so comfortable, like he was a really good friend, as well as being really attracted to him and enjoying our shared interest together, which means a lot to me. He asked me out but somehow I just knew it wasn't the right time - I felt so so raw after my marriage breakdown, exhausted and really wanted to be on my own and not in a relationship. I know some friends of mine thought it was weird that I felt so attracted to M but wasn't prepared to start seeing him, but I felt totally spent and exhausted from being in a relationship with my ex. I felt I had no energy at all to be in another relationship.

Anyway a couple of months later another woman in our group asked him out and he said yes, and they got into a relationship. I was (very unreasonably) heartbroken about this and even though I was still grieving my marriage, this was then more painful feelings to deal with. I still felt like I cared deeply about M, so it was really difficult to see him in another relationship.

Anyway, it turned out to be short lived and they have just broken up. I'm not exactly sure why they broke up, whether it was mutual or what. When I last saw M, the chemistry between us was still there, and I still really like him.

But I still don't feel ready for anything. I feel like I have so much to sort out practically. I am in the family home, which needs a lot of renovation and fixing, it's really stressing me out. Ideally I would want to renovate the essential bits, sell it and buy somewhere smaller and more manageable, so that will probably take a year to sort all that out. My ex was a hoarder and left piles and piles of junk everywhere, so any spare time I have I am trying to sort that out.

My job is stressful and tiring and obviously I still need to focus on my dc even though they are teens.

I am also currently having therapy, as I would like to make sure I have processed all my grief about the marriage break up, and also worked on any dysfunctional patterns I have, before getting into another relationship. The therapy is going well and I'm working through a lot of feelings.

So I just don't feel ready! Some of my friends have said I am mad to not follow things up with M, as at our age (late forties) it's so hard to meet someone you click with. I feel so torn. Basically if I didn't have the housing issue/ stressful job, yes, I would definitely want to get involved with M, but unfortunately that's not the case! Some have said maybe I'm scared to get in another relationship - maybe there's a bit of truth in that, but to me it feels more like lack of time and energy.

I just don't know whether or not to keep meeting up with him with this group as it's getting painful for me as I like him so much, but don't feel I can be in a relationship right now. I feel heartbroken about this. Does anyone have any advice?

I’m a bit conflicted on how to respond here. Part of me feels very strongly that people should follow their instincts and yours seem to be telling you no here. But part of me thinks you are massively overthinking this. One step at a time. You don’t have to decide now whether you want a long-term relationship with him or to marry him.

You’re allowed to go on a date with him and just see how it goes. And depending how that goes, you can decide whether you want to go another date with him. One step at a time.

You remind me a bit of myself when I was much younger and had less going on than you but was very busy on my terms (working full-time and studying law part-time). I was getting in a flap about whether or not to accept a dinner invite from a colleague I fancied. A male friend spoke these immortal words “why don’t you go to dinner and see how it goes?” It literally hadn’t occurred to me that was an option. The colleague and I have been together ever since, now long since married with young adult DCs.

So I’m saying these words to you: why don’t you just go on a date and see how it goes?

@Dery Thank you! What you've said has made sense to me - I see that I am overthinking things. I am so out of practise with dating etc that I was thinking if I start seeing M it would definitely have to turn into a long term relationship - but now thinking about it, how can anyone know if that will be the case? I think I've been putting myself under a lot of pressure and feeling that I have no time for anything, but to be honest I do have every other weekend and half the school holidays when the dc are at my ex's. I do feel quite overwhelmed with everything that's going on in my life at the moment, but I guess one date couldn't hurt to see how things go...

And I'm glad to hear a similar situation worked out for you and your DH!

I would wonder if he makes it a habit to jump to one woman to the next , just be wary of men that only manage short lived relationships and being interested in two women in the same group. He might not be a sensible choice anyway but as for something casual, might be more ideal? but again it could lead to more heartbreak if you're not ready.
You could just ask him for a drink and see what happens if you think he might still be interested.

I came out of a long relationship & marriage and met my now DP three months later. I felt much the same as you, so was open with him about my situation and we didn’t jump in feet first, just took things slowly to see how it went. And here we are, a decade later with a house and DC, he is the most wonderful person I have ever met and I’m glad I took a chance even though from the outside, it was the worst possible time to get into a new relationship.

As PP says, take your time, go out on a date, be open and honest and see where it takes you. Worst case, you are right and it doesn’t work, but at least you will know you tried. We only get one go at our lives and it’s too short for regrets.

Go out with him on a date, take it slow and steady. Tell him. And go very slow and steady like tortoises

@smallsilvercloud yes I have wondered about that, why the relationship didn't last long. And I felt heartbroken and rejected when he ended up going out with her - even though he'd asked me out before they got together and I said no, so I know I was being unreasonable about that! When he told me that he was in a relationship with her, he said that she reminded him of me, and yes, I could see the resemblance in physical appearance and personality, so maybe that's his "type"? I would obviously much rather that he hadn't been in any relationship at all since I met him, but then again, maybe that's unrealistic as I've known him for almost 2 years!

@RedBulb Oh that's great to hear that you were in a similar situation and it worked out with your DP! I keep thinking about that phrase "life is short" - it's scary sometimes to take risks but there may be a happier life on the other side!

If you have time to dwell on him seeing another woman then surely you have time to consider seeing him?

My first instinct is that any man asking out someone knowing she is fresh out of an abusive relationship is to be avoided.

Personally I'd take whatever space you need.
There is no rush. If its not the right time then that's fine.

Even if he meets yet another partner, so what? Chances are it won't last anyway. I don't mean that in a mean way it's just...chances are...

Be honest with him, and see what he says?

Do you know anything about him?

Do you know the same people?

Where he works?

@Pinkbonbon "My first instinct is that any man asking out someone knowing she is fresh out of an abusive relationship is to be avoided."

That's definitely a good point, but to be fair to him, I didn't actually tell him that my exDH was emotionally abusive, I just mentioned to him about exDH's depression and anxiety. It's only through the help of my therapist that I'm now realising that his behaviour and treatment of me was emotional abuse, as I minimised it to myself and others for years.

@Blackberrycloud - glad my message was helpful. It feels to me that you’ve got a second chance with this guy but you won’t get a third. If you want to try a few dates with him, that’s all it needs to be. One step at a time. Taking it slowly. Having a bit of fun.

I wouldn't.

You knew this guy 2 years before you separated, not saying he was the catalyst but his presence would have made things easier for you having his friendship, support and maybe an easy on the eye distraction, and whilst you were still with your h you probably felt you had the upperhand in not being needy, a weird safety.

This man holds some kind of fear for you, do you feel insecure with him because normally these fears do not overide feelings of love, when it feels right, when it feels safe. These insecurities can manifest when you have negative thoughts about yourself, For example feeling you are punching above, or not being good enough.

You even stood on the sidelines whilst he dated someone in your own friendship group (triangulation) ? He's done this to make you jealous because he can, so maybe you fear the hurt he is capable of if you open your heart to him, for that I wouldn't blame you.

To me it sounds as though you don't trust him or feel safe and are keeping him at arms length, maybe councelling would help to untangle your very real reservations about dating this man.

These are your instincts.

It's wise to take time single after abuse so you don't fall into other abusive relationships.

Even if he didn't know your relationship was abusive...I can't imagine asking out someone newly single after a marriage. It shows lack of tact at best.

Perhaps that's unfair as I'm sure it's a common thing but...someone...emotionally mature, would surely recognise that people need time to process after a marriage ends.

Its at best impulsive and ill considered. At worst, really self involved.

Take the time single, work through your therapy. Learn to love life, just you. That way when you try to date again, you won't let anyone disturb your peace or self worth.

@VileNote that's very insightful of you! I've just been sitting here, trying to analyse my feelings for him, and you're right, I don't think I do feel "safe" with him. He has said that when he is in a relationship he has always been faithful and never cheated. In fact, when he was in a relationship with this other woman in the group, he definitely pulled back from our friendship, and there was a bit of distance between us, which was totally appropriate, and I respected that. I think I feel insecure as although he is not your typically conventionally attractive guy, there is something about him, and I know a lot of women in our group do find him attractive. He is friendly and open with women and gets on well with them. So I think that's part of why I feel insecure.

Also I remember feeling very insecure with my exDH for the first couple of years of our relationship. I did grow to feel more secure, I think it helped when we had our dc. So maybe part of it is me and my insecurities, and not feeling good enough for him. I think you're right, if I felt safe with him, I wouldn't have kept him at a distance all this time.

@Pinkbonbon Thank you - that is all good advice.

Trust your instincts.

Don't lose your peace of mind being with a man, if your feel nervous, on edge or unsafe then preceed carefully.

The best relationships on paper sometimes never work in reality.

He may be a charismatic charmer who expects a harem, him seeing that woman you know shows his lack of respect in my opinion and a trainng of you to understand his needs and wants.

Be yourself and if it doesn't feel right don't be bullied or coerced into a relationship. Your excuses sound like you are trying to find a way out, an escape.

Be on your own and allow your confidence to build, he can be 'just' your friend and if he doen't like that, wave him goodbye.
It is your life, your body and your world, be in control.

@Blackberrycloud

When he told me that he was in a relationship with her, he said that she reminded him of me

Eek, that's a red flag to me. My immediate thought is why would he say that? Even if it's true, it's not something that needed to be said about the person he is with to a person he is not with. It's disrespectful to her and it's keeping you on the hook. It's game playing.

If you do decide to try for something with him, please treat it as a bit of fun. If I'm wrong and he isn't a player that's great, but tread very carefully.

Why don’t you just go on a date. He might want to help you with your renovation and help you move on with your life? How would you feel if he met someone else and it went well and you lost out for good?!!!! You’re procrastinating! X

Aaaaargh - I'm now feeling even more confused!! 😫😂 I honestly don't know if it's me being overly cautious, having just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and keeping him at arms length as I feel insecure/ don't want to get hurt again, or if it's my gut instinct saying not to take it further for a reason!

@VileNote "him seeing that woman you know shows his lack of respect in my opinion and a trainng of you to understand his needs and wants."

I must admit that was my first thought about it, but then I thought, well I'd turned him down, and then she asked him out. I guess he must have liked her too, and surely it wouldn't be fair of me to expect him to say no to her out of respect for my feelings, i mean i was the one who had turned him down, not the other way round. I mean she's a casual acquaintance, not really a friend, and we only see each other once a month or so. But yes, it did still hurt!

@SunflowerTed I know, I am procrastinating! 😂 I think I'm going to need a few more counselling sessions to get to the bottom of why I'm hesitating with this. It's either me feeling irrationally insecure and not feeling good enough, or my gut instinct realising that there are red flags....