I have known 'Jess' and her little girl 'Lucy' for around 4 years now. We met via a baby group in 2020 and formed a friendship quite quickly, our little girls were born one week apart and we were experiencing being first time mums in lockdown together which meant we could really relate to each other.
As the years have gone on, her circumstances have changed a lot. When I met her, she was happily married and fully focused on motherhood like I was. Around a year later, she decided she wasn't happy with her partner so she left him and moved into a flat with her little girl. We visited each other regularly and I supported her through her divorce with anything she needed. She got into another relationship around a month later with an alcoholic, who ended up moving in with her and her little girl after a month. I voiced my concerns but she said she knew what she was doing. It was a very turbulent relationship but I supported her through the ups and downs until it came to an end. After that, she went into her party girl era and has put herself in some vulnerable situations, meaning that I've been swept up in them too because in good conscience I can't leave her alone (although she will leave me on the side of the road to get in a taxi with a random bloke from the bar) She encourages me to split from my other half too, and although we have had some rocky times over the last couple of years, I don't want to break my family up for issues I think we can work on. I feel like we are now at different stages of life, I'm in my family era while she wants to go out loads and meet men.
I don't want to be judgemental as it's her life, but I don't know how many times I can turn her down for a night out before she gets moody with me.
To top it off, our parenting styles are polar opposites, and although our daughters are best friends, Lucy isn't particularly kind to my DD (or her mum, or me for that matter). She hits, slaps, kicks, spits and shouts at Jess multiple times an hour, and Jess doesn't correct her behaviour. Lucy will scream that she hates her and punch her in the face, and mum will just reply 'I hate you too!' Or tap her back. Lucy smacks, pushes and snatches from my DD and Jessica won't say anything, so I am left to call her out on her behaviour while my DD is sitting quietly upset. She also says spiteful things to her, for example yesterday she spent ages getting her toy makeup on, a princess dress and little shoes, for Lucy to say 'you look so stupid'. It really hurt my LO as she's a sensitive soul. I gave my DDs a treat for pudding out of our Halloween jar and Lucy demanded one too whilst kicking her mum in the face. I told her that only little girls who are kind to others get treats in my house. I began tidying up some toys she had thrown across the room in a tantrum, and her mum told her to go and get herself something out of the jar?!
My DD hasn't hits or lashed out since she was a toddler, however after seeing how Lucy was yesterday, it seems to be rubbing off on her and she completely changes. I've noticed this multiple times after she has spent time with Lucy.
I feel like our friendship has run its course, but don't really know how to approach it. DDs go to the same school and have been friends since 3 months old, but Lucy just isn't kind to her and I don't want my little girl to grow up thinking that she has to accept mean behaviour from her because her mum won't correct her. How can I slowly distance myself? Right now she comes over here every Tuesday so I can feed and bath Lucy and she sits scrolling on her phone. I wasn't feeling well yesterday and told her I wasn't up to company, but she turned up after school anyway and said 'Lucy was screaming the car down if she couldn't come here so we'll just pop in for a bit' then stays for dinner and tried to stay for a bath too. It's all just very one sided and I gain nothing from it. So how do I phase out?
Sorry it's long!