Don't trust OH's family I think something dodgy is going on

[AvidTealTiger]

I didn't come here for people to be judgemental and pointing fingers; I genuinely think this is a problem and I want to see from another point of view here whether I'm just being extra.
Am I wrong for not wanting oh to take the kids on his own to visit his side of the fam without me. Over an hour away. He's done it a couple of times and stayed so late with DS1.
I just feel over protective of them whilst there
It's not the fact of not trusting him.
I don't know what it is but I don't't feel comfortable with the idea.
His family are very selfish and only come around when they want something, the mum isn't interested in the kids or even OH, makes 0 effort but expects us to make the effort for her.
I don't mind visiting but it's the same story we rearrange our whole weekend rush around to get there and spend all day just hanging around for family to show up when we've travelled from far with 2 young kids.
OH just says to me don't come if I don't like it. I don't know why every gathering is So late in the day after 4 all the time and we have to factor in travel times so it's a very long day for the kids and us.
Its also a weird forced vibe around his family, his mum doesn't cater for the kids, we end up buying for everyone.
We also don't really know his mums new husband so I wouldn't leave the kids with him alone.
She has a lot of random people in and out the house also I think she gets people in to get their papers to live in the country like illegal immigrants or something I dunno, they can't speak English live there for a month and leave. So I don't trust them and it's like OH just gets excited to have his family around the kids , hes blind to everything and everything goes out the window, he'll just leave them with his mum, or force the kids to hug people and sit with them. our 1yrold seems terrified of his mum and won't go to her because he hardly knows her.
What can I do here just back off and leave them to it. But I don't want these strangers around the kids.
Like when OH's mum makes no effort why would she and her husband expect us/ suggest we let them take the kids on holiday with them or sleep over. That's weird. They often want their sister's son to come over or stay over without her there and want to take him on holiday without his parents!
So naturally I feel very over protective of the kids being around them and feel I have to go too even if I don't want to be there, OH is blind to absolutely everything and so defensive it seems so I can't bring up 'your mum and husband are dodgy' that wouldn't come across well. But OH just thinks I'm being a control freak or something and don't trust him on his own with the kids. To note he takes the kids loads of places on his own without me just not his mum's.

Not really sure what you're asking.

But if you're as protective of your kids as you say, then suck it up and go with them.

Illegal immigrants?

Well if you're that concerned, you really need to go with them. I understand that you don't enjoy it, but they're your husband's family, and he obviously wants to see them.

It's an hour, not far.

Yes you are right . Well there would be strange people no ones ever met before now staying with the mum 'her friend's they can hardly speak English she helps them get work etc and papers then they leave.
I will go with just OH think I don't trust him. It's more what the hell is going on in that house.
Also talks are she married her latest husband so he can stay in the country too which has caused family fall out so it's not just me thinking it.

Do you trust your OH to look after his kids?
That's what this comes down to. I get you don't trust the family but as long as their with their dad they should be OK. Unless you don't trust him?

He has every right to visit his family and want his kids there too. So either go with them or stay home amd trust he'll look after them.

@AvidTealTiger how does your OH explain the strangers to you? Who does he think they are or why they’re there? It sounds like your MIL is involved in some sort of people trafficking, you could make an anonymous report to the police.

With regards to the visits, always go so you can ensure the safety of your DC. If no one shows up until 4pm don’t arrive any earlier than that rather than hanging around MIL all day. Agree with OH that you need to leave by 7pm so you’re not home too late. Not sure how often this is happening but could you agree with OH to just go once a month?

It sounds like your OH has some issues relating to his mum in that he wants to please her or get approval by being available to her and not calling out or acknowledging any weird behaviour. Was she a neglectful, absent or detached parent while he was growing up? From what you’ve written he’s seeking attention and validation from her that she refuses to give.

It's not very clear as to what your concerns are regarding the children.

They are your husband's children as well as yours, so at baseline it is simply whether you trust him to care for them or not. If not, you should go with them, but accept that your husband is correct in saying you don't trust him. If you do, stay at home.

Wow you are good.how could you tell? I think You've hit the nail on the head there. These people are 'mums friend's a family member uncle/aunt. One young girl was living there cooking, cleaning she even answered the door they just said they worked together.. haven't seen her since though.
And yes as a child definitely some neglect going on; his mum left him as a very young 😥child with family he just remembers calling after her and crying and she was walking away (How traumatic!) and again as soon as he turned 18 she literally left the family home and started a whole new family, new husband, new house, took the 2 youngest kids with her and left him to pay all the bills. She doesn't sound like the nicest mother. She also sent his sister away. It just sounds like once she remarried his mum just wanted to get the first 2 children from previous marriage out the way. But as soon as she needs something he's there to please.
Good on him for not feeling any resentment/hurt towards her. Even now she doesn't seem too bothered about him or the kids, he hasn't spoken to her at all over Christmas.

This sounds a very similar family set up to a couple of friends families. They originally come from Africa /Jamaica/West Indies. I assumed maybe wrongly, it was common there for their mothers to leave children in home country to be looked after by relatives. But that’s besides the point. I would go along with your DH when he wants to visit. No chance would I let my kids be around randoms in those circumstances. Maybe also report (anonymously)that there could be illegal immigration going on

@AvidTealTiger yeah your partner definitely has some (understandable) attachment issues with his mother. She neglected and pushed him away, he will continually seek out her approval for a crumb of affection that is continually denied to him. It makes him blind to her flaws and poor actions and potentially puts your children at risk. It’s actually quite unhealthy that he doesn’t feel resentment towards her, he should, he was treated appallingly but he’s stuck in the emotions of a child yearning for their mothers love and he will continue to defend her (against all logic) unless he gets professional help to unpack the trauma he dealt with as a child.

You can’t do anything other than protect your own children in this situation and potentially save someone from a life of slavery by reporting your mil to the police.

If you think something illegal is going on , you could anonymously report them , you obviously would have to keep it a secret from your husband also.

Go with them. That way you know they are safe . Explain to your partner you will not let your kids be around strangers.

But re the visitors … are you sure your MIL is not just helping people resettle in this country? You say she helps them get jobs etc . I may be being generous here, but could she not just be helping people out ? What’s her nationality- are they from the same country/ area ?

I had a colleague at work who used to do this. All legit- she just liked helping people

Sounds like a massive culture clash. They just do things very differently. Am assuming the MIL is a first generation migrant and focussed on helping other people from her country. I know quite a few people who are children of migrants and they struggle with how hard they had it as children as their parents tried to manage being newcomers.

Your DH doesn’t owe his mum anything for being born but there a lot to unpick when it comes to abandonment and guilt and different attitudes to family loyalties. It probably does all seem a bit chaotic to you but it’s obviously very important to DH to have his children part of his wider family life. I don’t think there’s much you can do if there are no actual safeguarding issues.

I don't think it's trafficking probably helping people it's just the fact these people are strangers. that's fine if she wants to help people to resettle or get their papers to stay in the UK/ whatever I'm not 100% on how it works.
But I'll continue to go with them while the boys are young because I can just see OH will probably run some errands for someone and leave the kids there not thinking anything of it and we both don't really know those people even her husband that well. Although a nice man.
Even my brother's wife, her mum has a new partner he's not dodgy in any way this guy but he's never alone with the kids because he's effectively a stranger and they don't stay over if he's around for same reason.

I know it’s catch 22 but the family will stay strangers if you never let the kids spend time with them.

Go with them

You wrote this in October. Have you not been yet?

Sounds dodgy as fuck, but you can't stop him taking them so I'd suck it up and go with them to supervise.
Take more initiative in planning the visits so they aren't very often

It all sounds very strange OP. No way would l be wanting my kids to visit without chaperoning them especially if your DH is blind to the odd situation. Could you stay in a travelodge nearby and check the family are all in situ before you arrive there? Then leave at a time that suits you.

Sorry just seen its only an hour away. In that case don't arrive until later, when you know the family are all there.

I only just saw I had a notification in response quite late. We've been round once. Probably when I wrote this because his mum wanted OH to help her with something and sort some things for her and we haven't seen her since she didn't even let him know the problem was sorted. He reaches out to her mainly not the other way around.
I think his sister just rocks up as and when as she lives close by and the mum doesn't seem to let anyone know when she's off work.
The issue is he wants to take the kids without me to his mum's, I'm not comfortable with the randoms who are in the house and knowing him, he'll end up running errands leaving the kids there and they'll be around God knows who.
Our youngest is still clingy and would cry uncontrollably around his mum everytime, he just wouldn't go to her so why would I want him round there if he's going to get in that state.
Maybe when they are older they are only 1 and 4.

@AvidTealTiger

"hes blind to everything and everything goes out the window, he'll just leave them with his mum, or force the kids to hug people and sit with them. our 1yrold seems terrified of his mum and won't go to her because he hardly knows her."

THIS, OP.

That's the reason you feel odd about your OH taking the kids to his mum.

Adults should never, EVER force or cajole a child to spend time with others. Particularly hugging and kissing. It causes the child to become accustomed to letting people touch them even when they don't want it. Abusers use this tactic with their victims.

Your OH needs to know this, but coming from you it may not be something he'll listen to. Please Google it and find good resources to share. It would be helpful for a medical professional or social worker to discuss this with both of you- perhaps a parenting class?

In the meantime, I'd go with him to visit his family.

Its 100% clear to me. In this world environment of rampant pedophilia and sexual abuse of children, putting your innocent babes around unknown characters with a clueless husband is just asking for horrors to happen to them. When your partner is stupid, bad things happen to kids. THAT is what she is saying without being as blunt as I am. There is no way my kids would be spending the night ANYWHERE with a bunch of randoms going in and out. No one knows the character and proclivities of these folks, and the MIL is sus as hell. There are many women who will recruit kids and teens for their men to abuse or traffic, so she can't be trusted either.

All in all Mom, suck it up and go with your kids. Watch them every second. Keep them off men's laps as it's too near their junk and the pedos use that as a covert way to get jollies. My own husband beat the brakes off a cousin of one of his friends who came to our house when our baby was 18 months old. This clown had her straddling his lap and was bouncing her diaper clad bottom on his crotch. My hubs saw his wood and pulled the baby off him, snatched that guy up and commenced to beating his azz. After that all men except my dad and brothers were banned from our home. And my daughter never spent the night ANYWHERE, he was adamant after having heard too many horror stories from his female cousins.

I think your concerns are very valid. Trust yourself. Show your husband stats that prove that 90% of abused children know the perpetrator and the parents have been groomed to trust him. Your husband is so damn clueless it's scary.

I mean I wouldn't go as far to say they are child molester's but you just never know and I need to protect my children..There's definitely something dodgy going on and I trust my instincts. Also someone once told me kids pick up on people's energy/spirit which is probably why my youngest would never go to OH's mum, since a young baby he would be unsettled, screaming crying and uncomfortable even now he's older he looks like he needs saving/scared to move.
I'll continue to go along to any visits but I know OH just doesn't get it and despite everything he trusts his mum he said and wants to be able to take the kids by himself to his mum's. I am not comfortable with that at all.
Part of me even has suspicions OH may have even suffered some abuse other than the obvious neglect and abandonment. He has to always please his family and run around helping them all the time he's like a slave to their call and if he doesn't help them they fall out with him.