Final straw in relationship

blueberrylips · 2024-10-12T07:12:22+00:00

I'm interested what was the thing that suddenly made you think I can't do this anymore. I've been close before but stayed but my oh told me when I found out he was somewhere else other than work that he wasn't attracted to me Had a roving eye and was kinky! He cancelled some life insurance and looked to sell my car. For almost a whole week he stuck with this decision but stayed in house. Had been together 30 yrs at this point. We stayed together and he apologised and said it was a mistake. I have never forgot this even though a few years ago but it broke me as a person. It changed me as lost that happy carefree feeling. We are good now but it was a davastaing time and has shocked me at how cold and ruthless he was at that time. It was like a stranger. I sometimes question why we are together still and I fought for our relationship but would never do again. He seems very happy with me now but was before! I feel sad for him in a way as I know how much I loved/love him but another f... up like that on his part I'm gone and never coming back no matter how much it hurts. He hurt me soo much that I felt what's the point!

Anastas1a · 12/10/2024 12:19

Was he cheating when he was somewhere else other than work? My OH have said awful things to me also but he was complaining about not having enough sex ( once or twice a week is not enough) and then blamed me for a porn addiction, finding an only fans account was the last straw

Original poster

blueberrylips · 13/10/2024 08:29

Anastas1a · 12/10/2024 12:19

Was he cheating when he was somewhere else other than work? My OH have said awful things to me also but he was complaining about not having enough sex ( once or twice a week is not enough) and then blamed me for a porn addiction, finding an only fans account was the last straw

Both denied.
He said he working in afternoon but in a lovely restaurant with her!
You tell me.
I never got to bottom of how this all came about as I still have so many questions but was desperate to save my marriage so didn't ask everything.
Since then I have said how badly that time affected me. I felt bad......
I do think he knows that but if it happened again I would not ever try to save this relationship as he knew how bad I was. Actually I think about it everyday and it ruined what was a thirty year relationship. He still has contact with this lady and I am polite and friendly but inside I feel so traumatised when she is near me. I let my bad side go away but the pain is terrible but I know in my heart that I may not be a model just a normal lady but I am a better person than two of them put together as wouldn't dream of going out with her oh behind her back or lying or making her feel uncomfortable in situations where her and her oh are because I decide to be there too.
My oh and her know each other through oh job and have common interests so it's difficult but she is a very crafty lady as one time more recently someone at an work event came up to my oh to help him. A attractive lady and this lady started saying to me oh I wonder who that is and I feel trying to make me feel threatened and bad because I questioned her years ago about why she was out with my oh.
Different if he had been in a crowd. But it was the lying by him about where he was.
I would never do what him or her did to me so even if they were apparel just mates you don't lie about where you are! The just a sandwich he told me he had when met her was very expensive 45 pounds so it must have been a good sandwich!

How did you find out your oh had only fans?

OP posts:

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/10/2024 08:33

Sounds like he was going to leave you but the other party stopped him, so he stayed with you.

Why are you still with him?

PancakesForElephants · 13/10/2024 08:40

@blueberrylips I think how you reacted was a very natural trauma response to your world being turned upside down.

One part especially struck me in your post: "I think about it everyday and it ruined what was a thirty year relationship".

Asking kindly, why are you still with him? It sounds like it's over for you and traumatic to rethink it every day. And that's your decision to make. Maybe its time for you to think about taking control, rather than waiting for your OH make another "mistake"? How does that thought sit with you?

I completely understand the awful panic of finding these things out, it's a bit different for me because my ex stayed adamant it was over for him, like you say it's like they are a stranger, cold and ruthless. But that's who they really are, selfish and distant, which makes it very odd & traumatic for the other person who quite naturally trusted that they wouldn't be betrayed.

Original poster

blueberrylips · 13/10/2024 08:52

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/10/2024 08:33

Sounds like he was going to leave you but the other party stopped him, so he stayed with you.

Why are you still with him?

Yeah I am.
Maybe he was going to leave me for one week when I confronted him re his outing with her. Terrible time for me. He was okay quite cheerful and calm. It was like so weird and a person I had never met before was in our house in his form.
She is married too.
I'm not sure what was going on exactly but maybe they were tempted and changed mind or he was hoping that something more would happen with her but she didn't want that.
It was an awful time and I have never forgotten it as I don't understand how you can hurt someone that you know really does love and care for you.

Since then he tells me everyday how much he loves me and is pleased to see me. He did that before.
It was so shocking but I always do think probably he had his head turned but then decided not to leave me.
He has since spoken about her as they have contact and are friends.
He said she is not a very nice person and ruthless but I think when they were doing something at work which he had helped her alot with she wanted to do the project with another guy so he felt dumped. He told her if that was what she preferred get in with it but she decided to continue working with my oh. I just look at her and him now and think they are pathetic inside and if they decide to get it on good luck.
I have opened myself up to not asking about her and when I occasionally bump into her am just friendly as if they are going to do something they will do it whatever I think. I can't be bothered to let it ruin my life anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

blueberrylips · 13/10/2024 09:13

PancakesForElephants · 13/10/2024 08:40

@blueberrylips I think how you reacted was a very natural trauma response to your world being turned upside down.

One part especially struck me in your post: "I think about it everyday and it ruined what was a thirty year relationship".

Asking kindly, why are you still with him? It sounds like it's over for you and traumatic to rethink it every day. And that's your decision to make. Maybe its time for you to think about taking control, rather than waiting for your OH make another "mistake"? How does that thought sit with you?

I completely understand the awful panic of finding these things out, it's a bit different for me because my ex stayed adamant it was over for him, like you say it's like they are a stranger, cold and ruthless. But that's who they really are, selfish and distant, which makes it very odd & traumatic for the other person who quite naturally trusted that they wouldn't be betrayed.

I am still here because I love him a lot and I am confident that he loves me a lot and in a weird way I think he still loved me then but was attracted to someone else. I don't trust him anymore which is sad to say. I still want to be with him but I can't be bothered to waste energy on worrying as much about it.
If someone came up to me now and there was concrete evidence he was cheating again i would and wouldn't be surprised.
It will sound weird to say but because of what happened and if I say he was and is my best mate, confidant we did most stuff together etc I will never really trust anyone again.
I just would not be interested in a relationship again. If me and him ever part ways which I hope does not happen I won't look for anyone again. I will be on my own.
Life for last few years has been very difficult as lots of family deaths illnesses etc so things can't get much worse.
I almost feel he may link with someone on phone app now but not sure but I can't be bothered to investigate.
When we sit down to eat or watch tv or go on holiday I enjoy his company and I almost block anything else out.
I almost don't want to know.
I think I was so traumatised that week that I felt close to quitting life and felt like I was nothing broken gone and me as a person was changed as he had said he wasn't attracted to me anymore so I was gone. I feel no self worth or self esteem.
I now cant cope with looking too deep into my relationship. I'm scared and it will open a can of something I can't deal with at present.
My opinion is if he wants out again in the future he will tell me and this time I won't fight as got no energy anymore. I feel sad after writing this down and I am done in but I know I love and like him very much. I would never hurt anyone like he hurt me back then. The lady in question is confident of herself and I think comes across as nice personality but very dangerous but if he decides her over me again good luck to him as I know now I can't do anymore than I'm doing.

OP posts:

mamajong · 13/10/2024 09:17

For me it's generally realising that I'm.unhappy more than I'm.happy for more than a few weeks.

Original poster

blueberrylips · 13/10/2024 10:13

mamajong · 13/10/2024 09:17

For me it's generally realising that I'm.unhappy more than I'm.happy for more than a few weeks.

Yes that's a good indication.
Are you still in a relationship or not now?

OP posts:

mamajong · 13/10/2024 10:27

blueberrylips · 13/10/2024 10:13

Yes that's a good indication.
Are you still in a relationship or not now?

Show quote history

Yes I'm.in a happy relationship now 😊

Original poster

blueberrylips · 13/10/2024 10:45

Good glad you happy mamajong

OP posts:

Anastas1a · 13/10/2024 12:54

blueberrylips · 13/10/2024 08:29

Both denied.
He said he working in afternoon but in a lovely restaurant with her!
You tell me.
I never got to bottom of how this all came about as I still have so many questions but was desperate to save my marriage so didn't ask everything.
Since then I have said how badly that time affected me. I felt bad......
I do think he knows that but if it happened again I would not ever try to save this relationship as he knew how bad I was. Actually I think about it everyday and it ruined what was a thirty year relationship. He still has contact with this lady and I am polite and friendly but inside I feel so traumatised when she is near me. I let my bad side go away but the pain is terrible but I know in my heart that I may not be a model just a normal lady but I am a better person than two of them put together as wouldn't dream of going out with her oh behind her back or lying or making her feel uncomfortable in situations where her and her oh are because I decide to be there too.
My oh and her know each other through oh job and have common interests so it's difficult but she is a very crafty lady as one time more recently someone at an work event came up to my oh to help him. A attractive lady and this lady started saying to me oh I wonder who that is and I feel trying to make me feel threatened and bad because I questioned her years ago about why she was out with my oh.
Different if he had been in a crowd. But it was the lying by him about where he was.
I would never do what him or her did to me so even if they were apparel just mates you don't lie about where you are! The just a sandwich he told me he had when met her was very expensive 45 pounds so it must have been a good sandwich!

How did you find out your oh had only fans?

Show quote history

I would feel traumatised also it’s disgusting how men who supposedly love you do things without even thinking how much mental damage they can cause. I went snooping in his phone saw he just set up an account but hadn’t actually followed anyone or started messaging or paying for videos, but as I found it the day after he created it he didn’t get that far but obviously would of. I feel so insecure now on top of being peri menopausal.

Specialized101 · 13/10/2024 19:39

There were so many but the final straw was when she threatened to kill herself (again) the day after my Mother died as everything absolutely had to be about her at all times.....