I've decided to go (mostly) sober and I'm feeling pressure from a friend not to be..

[rosieandjay]

I am constantly getting ill, and with a 4 year old and 1 year old, plus a stressful job I have decided to quit alcohol, other than the odd drink out and about.

DH and I used to have drinks at home, usually 3/4 on a Friday and Saturday night and we've decided to scrap this. We'll feel much better if we don't drink, less tired, happier, better able to deal with the kids at the weekends etc.

Anyway I have a friend who I've told this to (she likes to drink a lot), and her response was "Nooooo you can't do this!"
This friend has one kid and a MIL who seems to step in and look after her whenever they ask.

I want my friend to appreciate that I have 2 young children and it's very full on for me. Every time I've gone out with her it involves me getting drinks shoved in front of me and there is no option to say no.
I knew she wouldn't like it and I was nervous messaging her to say what I was planning.

Is she BU?

Anyone who encourages you to do something that you have decided makes your life worse is not a good friend I am afraid. From her perspective she likes drinking with you and she's disappointed but she should realise that you've made the decision for a reason and be supportive.

She's not a good friend. Well done you.

Every time I've gone out with her it involves me getting drinks shoved in front of me and there is no option to say no.

So that it normalises her own drinking, it makes her feel it’s okay if everyone is drinking the same as her.
Stick to your guns.

It's not really AIBU is it. Why on earth would you think anybody has a greater opinion of what you and your family do with your lives inside your home that you?

She probably recognizes she drinks too much for whatever reason, be it social, anxiety or a bigger issue, and feels that your (and others) drinking validates her choice to drink.

You cutting down/stopping is likely to be affecting her more than she would care to admit, otherwise she probably wouldn't have an opinion on it at all.

Just treat her response with lightness and brevity, rather than behaving as if what she says has weight and influence. Just laugh it off and say, I know I know - but that’s what I’ve decided! I’m going to be well into mocktails from now on!

It doesn’t matter what she says.

Thank you. I think I am also feeling a bit irritated with her in general. We're mid 30s and I feel like I've done the whole drinking and dinner parties thing, and I'm over it. I feel like I've got a new stage of my life which is parenting my 2 beautiful babies and I don't feel like she has moved on in that way. I dunno if it's selfish of me to expect her to have moved on too?
Maybe I have become unsociable but I just done have the energy for it, or a hangover anymore..

Just don't go out with her. I had this with my best friend and we are still friends, just took a while for her to accept that I wasn't drinking any more. Similar reasons, I think in my case she liked having someone always worse than her

This makes a lot of sense, thank you.

I'd stop the nights out and see her in different settings if you want to keep the friendship. Like cinema or theatre or gym/dance class or coffee dates.

If all she’s said is ‘noo you can’t do this’ it’s not really tremendous pressure… I’d just say ‘haha yes I can’ and ignore it!

She is not your friend: she sees you as a "drinking buddy". She doesn't care about what is best for you. She wants to normalise her own heavy drinking and have someone to booze with.

Well done you and your DH for prioritising your health and well being and putting a happy family life first by not drinking.

Drinkers (her) love drinking pals for company. Like @Oldhabitsarehardtobreak said, it normalises her own drinking.

Just wait for it, the next time you go out she will put you under a lot of pressure.

Keep strong, your body, your life.

I do understand this as I have 'drinking friends' and the only time we really see each other these days is to go out drinking. So from her perspective you are changing the dynamics.

However you absolutely should do what's right for you and your family. Suggest coffee dates instead, if she is weird about it then I suggest you remain 'busy' for any other suggested meet ups. It sounds like you have outgrown her anyway and have different priorities.

I’m sober and honestly, I just wouldn’t hang out with her. Or plan to meet for breakfast or coffee instead. I have little tolerance for people who are so socially insecure that they can’t have a nice time doing something without everyone drinking as much as they are. I don’t drink. I don’t care if other people do. They can do whatever they want. But people need to be able to cope with life without everyone getting wasted with them. If they can’t, they’re probably pretty boring anyway. I’d rather spend time with people who are actually interesting and want to spend time with me (not just because I’m a drinking buddy). I’d just phase her out for a bit or simply create situations where drinking is impossible.

Friends don't bully friends into drinking alcohol.

I have to say I don't think she's a true friend to me. She likes to have me as company for 'her world', she also doesn't listen to me, ever, she will always turn the conversation back to her. I've been nervous of telling her I want to step back from drinking for a while now, because deep down I know it's because she has a bit of an issue and I knew she wouldn't want me to change the dynamic as a PP has said.
If I'm honest, I don't completely like her personality anyway, I think I have spent years being friends with her because I humour her type thing, but really she drains me and a day spent drinking with her never leaves me feeling fulfilled, I feel the opposite,
The problem is now how we move forwards, I know she will have branded me as 'boring' to try and justify that she's normal. I don't want to lose her as a friend but I'm not sure I really want to keep her as well..

How about seeing it another way? She knows she has to get people pissed to tolerate being around her once she's got the babysitter organised, so she's going to want to persuade those people to keep on drinking.

But it's just not so much fun anymore, is it? You don't have to justify it - or explain it beyond that. It's not fun anymore.

That’s not a friend. It’s someone who wants a drinking buddy because it makes them feel better about their habit.

Just say no.

Done with dinner parties in your mid-thirties made me laugh - aren't dinner parties a stereotypical middle-aged activity? You've made it sound like dinner parties are mad raves or something😂

Other than that, just tell your friend that you would appreciate support as this is something you feel strongly about doing but it's difficult. I too have quit drinking (but entirely) so understand it can be hard to fit previous drinking buddies in to your life. If you've not quit properly but have only quit drinking in the house, can't you just meet her for the odd drink outside, if you're having a drink outside anyway?

Reading your update, it is clear that you don't like her, so why not just stop seeing her altogether?

The done with dinner parties is I guess I mean her kind of dinner parties. So like Sunday lunch at the weekend, with the kids, she'll be filling my glass up, telling me to 'drink up', telling me I need to keep up with her, handing me cocktails and telling me the name of the cocktail, which I haven't even asked for, all whilst my DH has to look after the kids, including her kid, because their idea of a Sunday lunch (her DH included), is to have A LOT of alcohol with it.
When I read that back it sounds crazy. But that's what they like to do.

So yeah, not so much dinner parties as such, I'd be happy to do dinner parties without kids when we're a bit older and the kids are less full on!

Of course she is BU.

You've decided to drink less/go sober. A friend would respect that.

getting drinks shoved in front of me and there is no option to say no.

I would say consent applies here. The absence of no does not mean yes.

She doesn't sound like a friend at all.

I don't like the sound of the power balance in this friendship... this is bullying.

It sounds like, as you mature and settle into your role as a mother, you're realising you need to stand up for yourself more, for your own sake and that of your family. Good. Really, you know what to do, don't you?

getting drinks shoved in front of me and there is no option to say no.

There is always an option to say no. You say no. That's it. Are you scared of her or something? You can always say no to something that isn't doing you good. She'll have to figure it out for herself.