Emotional Affairs at Work

[Tyrone123]

Hi there just posting this message looking some help and advice on my current situation. We have been together 25 years and it's been mostly a good relationship. A few years ago I discovered wife had been having an emotional affair with a man she worked with texting him all the time even going to bed early every night to chat. I had a gut feeling about this for a wile as all she did was talk about him but put my fears aside as they worked closely together. She told me nothing physical had happened and told me she would stop all contact but lied to me countless times about this as she continued to message him. I guess I was a fool as I had known him for years and during this he stopped speaking to me. Thankfully he left the job soon after and we agreed to work on our marriage. I now have the exact same feelings as before as her and a female colleague do nothing but text out of work and she talks about her all the time. She has showed me messages where her work friend talks about sex and having sex outdoors and I have explained that this is inappropriate and she gets defensive. I have suggested we go to marriage counselling but she has flat out refused saying I can go myself. Is it time to walk away for my own mental health as I can't live like this anymore. Has anyone ever been in this position before and how did it work out?

Did she call her friendship with the male colleague an emotional affair? Did she have feelings for him? Or was he just a friend?

is she bisexual? If not I’m struggling to see the issue with a female friend messaging her? Is she not allowed to have friends? Are you just being triggered by the female colleague messaging as it is reminding you of the male colleague messaging her all the time?

Is the friend talking about sex generally or with your wife? If it's with your wife then what does your wife say about it? Is your wife bi sexual or shown any interest in women before? Perhaps this is just a friendship where the friend likes to talk about her sex life.
It seems strange that your wife is showing you these messages if the 2 of them are already in a relationship or are considering one.

Can you please identify what it is that you feel inappropriate? Is it that:
women shouldn't talk about their sex lives,
the other woman and your wife are sexually interested in each other,
the other woman's sex life makes yours look boring, or
work colleagues shouldn't be texting gossip out of hours?

I might agree with you on some of those points, but I'm not in your marriage.

It would be helpful to know the sex of the other woman's partner, and whether you have any reason to think your wife is lesbian or bisexual.

I've got to say your marriage sounds rather insecure on both sides. Have you always felt jealous or possessive about your wife? Do the two of you normally get on well, understand each other, laugh at the same things for instance?

We get on well I'm not or never have been jealous she has plenty of friends and goes on regular nights out and weekends away with them. This one woman doesnt have a partner and I suspect she is bi. I'm guess your right about the insecurities in our marriage which I'm willing to work on but off of marriage counselling has been turned down flat

My didn't call it an emotional affair just be reading and listening to people in similar situations I think it was an emotional affair. Wife has never declared she is Bi curious or interested in women. I suppose I may be letting the part cloud my judgement but willing to work on it through counselling which my wife refuses to engage in

I don't see any reason why a woman couldn't have an emotional affair with another woman even if they are both straight. That said: you don't trust your wife and she is spending a lot talking to people outside of your relationship and not talking to you. I think you are right to be concerned, your marriage doesn't sound healthy.

It sounds really difficult for you.

I agree the previous episode with the man sounds like an emotional affair at least. I'm struggling to understand what's going on now with the woman friend! I thought she was telling your wife about her own sex life; have I got that wrong?

Whatever it is, I wouldn't be comfortable with a partner behaving this way, especially after I'd shared my feelings about it. I'd certainly be unhappy if he insisted I shouldn't feel that way, dismissed my concerns and carried on regardless. It shows little care for your feelings or respect for your marriage.

In fact, I do have a male friend who likes to be mildly sleazy in his messaging. He's just a bit of a dickhead, there's no meaning in it. But my husband was bothered about it, so we asked the friend to dial it down and I refused to answer when he started crossing the line. We carried on messaging but without the weird content.

I have and continue to try and save the marriage and I agree it her dismissing my concerns and not willing to talk isn't great. She has accused me a few times of having an affair. I was really close with a female friend and wife told me she was upset about this so I cut all contact with her because if how it made my wife feel. I have never cheated and always tried to be a good partner

I agree marriage isn't healthy but my efforts to work on it are being rejected should I just accept its over for my own piece of mind that's what I'm struggling with at the minute

Firstly are you sure the female colleague is female? She might have just changed the name of the previous friend in her phone.

Secondly, going to counselling yourself is not a bad idea. It will help you clarify how you feel and what you want to do about it. Your partner is gaslighting you a bit over all this, and that can be incredibly confusing.

Yes, I get this. Really sorry you're going through it again.

I agree that a counsellor could be helpful in clarifying your thoughts and feelings about your relationship.

I have mentioned to her I feel it gaslighted but of course it's just me thinking that. Your right I'm very confused and concerned right now

Thank you for the replies everyone you are helping me make sense of this again. The 1st time this happened hurt me alot but I just buried my feelings

Yes she is female this time I know her personally as well unfortunately. This all feels like history repeating itself again and can't go through this again I feel I deserve better to be honest

Garlicbest reading your reply it seems you love and respect your husband i truly admire the way you dealt with that situation

Thank you! Sadly, the love and respect was mainly from me to him - we divorced. Much as I'd like to set myself up as a role model, I've learnt my life lessons by doing things wrong 😬

I'm so sorry to hear that you sound like a lovely genuine woman never change

You're very kind, @Tyrone123, thanks. One of the insights I gained was that "I deserve to be loved the way I love". So do you.

For what it's worth, I also came away with "Don't take shit just because you made vows!"

A certain subset of Mn is ridiculous on ‘emotional affairs’, or, in other words close friendships. Like your wife had, like you had. Assuming your wife is straight, she’s not having an ‘emotional affair’ with a woman. She’s just got a new friend who likes talking about sex. You think this is ‘inappropriate’, but it’s not clear why.

I'm taking inspiration from your story and I truly hope you have found the happiness you deserve. I'm starting to finally realise that I have a right to he happy I have given everything I have too this marriage and it's all on her terms

I think it's inappropriate to be talking about sex and clearly work friend is trying to see what way wife responses and I feel wife messaging back at all hours of the evening gives her encouragement. Maybe you don't agree and I thank you for taking time to reply but my feelings on this is that this could go beyond friendship if wife doesn't lay down some clear boundaries.

Women talk about sex, there's nothing wrong with that. I personally don't see what your problem is. I feel sorry for your wife.

So if your husband was talking about sex with a colleague you'd be happy for him to carry on even if it mades you feel uncomfortable?

Your wife being dismissive of you is very wrong especially when she was talking to another man -regarding the female are the sexual messages about each other ( your wife and her friend) or about the other woman’s sex life with someone else you need to be more clear on that

It’s hard to know if you’re being paranoid or your gut feeling is right but I’m always if the mind to trust your gut and if it feels inappropriate it probably is. The main issue is your wife refusing to acknowledge your feelings, if this continues I would leave tbh