memories of bad events are fading quicker now than they used to - marriage to angry husband

[Antigonnee]

Since we've been married - which was two years ago - my husband has behaved in upsetting ways on many occasions. I won't go into detail about them - but I have posted about some incidents on here under a different username. When I tell him I'm upset by a behaviour, he gets very angry with me and refuses to talk about it again.

At the time, after a bad incident, I feel I want to leave him. I feel sacred that I'm married to someone who can be mean.

When we're not arguing, we have a good friendship and he often says loving things (like he loves me so much etc). He is good fun and good company when things are going well.

I'm feeling like, after an upsetting incident, the memories and anger are fading quicker than they used to at the start of our marriage. About a week after, I start to feel comforted by being with him and get really scared about leaving, and feel safe with him. I think about how scary it would be to be alone (all my friends are married). But then before too long, something happens again and I feel rocked, and I think I must leave.

I feel like the memories of bad events fade quicker now than they used to. I'm surprised by how much I yo-yo. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Sorry to hear your husband is so horrible (turning on the charm is also horrible). I think what is happening is you are being worn down and have learned helplessness about trying to change your life.

What would it take for you to see the situation is hopeless? Do you have children or want them? He would be a terrible father.

Yes, I have. I'm no expert but what you describe sounds like a trauma bond. This could and will happen thousands of times more in your married life with him or you can put a stop to it - either by telling him calmly that it stops or you leave (and see if it stops - it won't) OR you just decide to leave. He is choosing to behave this way when he is mean to you.

Reason I say it won't stop is that if a person is capable of being mean to their partner, if that comes so naturally to them, that's who they are and it WILL keep happening. Even if he's fine for a while, it will always happen again, sometimes predictably but often out of nowhere. Because you're either like that (mean) or you're not. And from what you describe, he's like that.

At the moment you describe feeling happy when he's fine but each time it happens, you'll feel like you hate him a bit more and you'll wish you'd not wasted as much of your life on him. No-one should be mean to you and definitely not your husband. Do not accept it OP.

It's the nice-nasty cycle of abuse and you're becoming habituated to it.

It's like being institutionalised. You're a prisoner of the relationship that's becoming so used to it, you're afraid of freedom.

Do yourself a favour and get out. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this.

That's because it's being normalised for you. The more unique an event, the more likely it is to form strong long term memories for you.

So you can't remember what you had for dinner on Thursday two weeks ago, because its probably something you've eaten a million times before. But that time you went bungee jumping will probably be etched into your mind until the day you die.

This is what's happening now to you with regards to your husbands abuse. It's just normal. It happens so often that it's all merging into one in your memory. What's the point of remembering each individual occurrence, you already know the pattern.

Give it enough time and you'll stop even wanting to leave him while it's happening. You'll just accept it as normal, as what your life is like.

Get out now, while you still recognise what's happening to you as wrong.

Leave. Easy to say, hard to do, but the longer you stay the more you'll normalise unacceptable behaviour, and the scarier it will be to step away from the security of the relationship. Your post shows you've got the insight to see that you are already starting to normalise it.

I scared of leaving for the reasons you mention, so I stayed and had children, and it is the biggest regret of my life (I don't regret the babies obviously!) I'm leaving him now, but it is 1000 times harder than if I'd got out after two years.

Good luck, you absolutely deserve better.

Hi @Mmhmmn , you say, 'each time it happens, you'll feel like you hate him a bit more and you'll wish you'd not wasted as much of your life on him'.

Each time he does something bad (such as being rude to my parents) I feel more angry, because each time reminds me of all the other times it's happened in the past 2 years.

Thanks @bemoreassertive. It is scary. All the best for your next steps after leaving him.

@ClickClickety - we don't have children but he is keen for them.

Well you've just become desensitized and accept this as being normal (it's not) and what life is like a bit like Stockholm Syndrome.

It was just two weeks ago that something happened that rocked me. He was rude to a taxi driver for driving a bit impatiently behind us: he said, 'go and get a hair transplant'. (I posted about this)

I told my husband it's mean to insult his personal appearance. My husband wanted me to apologise for rebuking him, because, he said, it ruined his evening. I refused to apologise. He was very angry and said I was a 'stubborn human being'.

Yet I seem to have blocked it out and am just carrying on....

I remember that note was chilling that he sent truly awful.

but sounds like Stockholm syndrome

please never have children with this man

Just leave, honestly.

Suck it up as a bad decision like a Las Vegas wedding.

Pack your bags and move in with family or rent a flat somewhere, lodge in someones spare room

You don't have children so it really is that easy. The first year while you get back on your feet won't be fun but in 365 days it'll be behind you and you'll be moving on with your own future. You get one life, spend it well

Any money you've sunk into the relationship, any furniture you leave behind can all be replaced over time.

Do not have children with him. He isn't going to change. If you stay with him you'll just be writing threads about his awful behaviour.

@Antigonnee So much of what you've written resonates with me.

My ex was frequently appallingly rude to my family and friends (and waiters, taxi drivers etc) I'm mortified just thinking about it.

If I ever challenged him about his behaviour, he would accuse me of either lying, or 'making a mountain out of a molehill', or 'trying to upset him'.

The longer you stay, the less frequently you'll challenge, partly because you'll become inured to it, and partly (especially if you have kids) because you'll probably seek to minimise tension.

There are lots of lovely men out there. He isn't one of them.

What @Singleandproud said.

I bet he is. 😞

Logically, you know this relationship isn't OK, don't you, OP?

Been there and finally left after 6 years of this abusive cycle. He won’t ever change - he doesn’t think he needs to. Just think is this really the life you want? Living with feelings of resentment and anxiety every day, walking on egg shells, second guessing yourself.
Yes it’s hard at first but when you slowly start feeling like yourself again you’ll see that you really are better off without him. You won’t realise how much you’ve changed as it will have been gradual but once he is out of the picture you will feel such a weight off your shoulders.

Yes. My relationship with my husband was just like this. It was so hard to leave.

Look up trauma bonds and the cycle of abuse. It will all start to make sense to you.

You deserve better.

DO. NOT. HAVE. CHILDREN. WITH. THIS. MAN.

You are being managedOP. Your DH is using manufactured rage to shut you up and stop you from making a fuss. He will keep doing it because it is working for him. He can do what he likes. You pull him on it and then he kicks off. He will be 'just' nice enough for 'just' long enough that you will question yourself on how bad it really was. Eventually there will be a tipping point.

Are you planning to leave, OP?

Don’t inflict him on children who have no choice in their family and home situation. If you want kids it needs to be with someone else, someone kind and normal. Someone who doesn’t hate everyone.
Remember staying with him is a choice and the wrong one. Can you talk to your mum and dad about what you’ve realised? They must despise the fucker.