Depressed husband can’t decide if he wants to try

[Katielew1983]

Since having my last child 3 years ago my libido has been zero and I’ve experienced a lot of brain fog etc. over the years my husband has been great and I’ve explained it’s not him I don’t want it’s anyone and he seemed to understand … fast forward to now and I have been on oestrogen patches for the last two weeks and most like a switch has been clicked on my libido and brain, my libido is back better than ever and everything seems clear. However over the last year my husband has slowly been sinking into depression due to a number of reasons including our relationship. It’s now soda law he is now feeling like our connection isn’t good enough even though he says he loves me and we still get on….the last two weeks he’s has been signed off and is in deep depression and his mood is up and down. He is getting help and is hoping to go on medication but he is thinking about whether he is just here for our children…. I am devastated and don’t know what to do… he keeps saying this but he isn’t going anywhere and I just keep feeling rejected…. Do I wait this out?

Yes. You be supportive of him. Tell him you understand but you would like to stay together and not make any decisions about the future of your relationship which will also affect your children, until he is feeling in a better frame of mind. Then you support him in his recovery. Thats what will build intimacy back. Praise his efforts to seek help and make positive lifestyle choices together. Ask him how you can support him. Tell him you love him and be there for him. Listen to him without trying to find a solution or fix him. Be his safe space. Be tactile with him but take the pressure off sex.

He supported you and stayed when you were having issues of your own. It’s your turn to do the same. This is what marriage is about. If at the end of the day the marriage doesn’t work out then you will know that you tried. However, I suspect that once he is feeling better, you will be able to get back on track and he will appreciate that you stuck by him. You can come through this stronger. I would learn about depression and how to support your spouse if I were you. Best of luck. It can be really hard when our SO is battling mental health issues but hopefully you can work through it together.

I understand and I’m trying to be patient… but there is currently no willingness to try on his end and he has also had a brief affair which he’s holding a lot of guilt over…. Part of me feels like he just wants me to do the hard work and end things. But I genuinely believe with a bit of work we can rebuild the connection. He’s been prescribed some medication now so I am hoping this might open his mind a bit

@Katielew1983 may I ask how old you are? I am on the other side and I am going through exactly what you have described with my DW. However for me it has been 4 years. I do feel like we are moving apart, I just don't feel as close to her anymore. I wouldn't class myself as depressed, but more so unhappy in general, it has really affected me. Its almost like we are just friends living together. My DW is in her late 40s, I have asked several times if we can work together to fix our issue, seek help from professionals etc etc and she is just not interested. I guess I am holding out for something similar to what has happened to you, however as mentioned as time goes by it does feel we are drifting apart. I think men in general really need that physical connection. I think if a switch was flicked now and I was suddenly expected to meet her needs despite my needs not being met in the last 4 years I think I would be frustrated and annoyed to say the least (I know I will get some criticism for this on Mumsnet)

I think for your situation you have got through a tough few years and you are still together, that says a lot. I would wait it out (I guess thats what I am doing!) he has seeked help and is actively working on his depression - I don't think you can ask for more than that? I know its a cliche but maybe try and focus on you as a couple more - more date nights, quality time together. I have tried that with my DW but I have learnt I am last in the pecking order at the moment.