Contemplating leaving - family courts question

[ContemplationStage]

A question to those who have been through separation with children - or those with professional experience working in this area please. Not interested in opinions about whether or not I should leave or just how bad my DP is as I often see on here, I just want practical information pls.

I’ve read online that most family courts will automatically start at 50/50 when deciding how to award custody of children. is this true/always the case? Am I likely to have a 50/50 split in my situation?

Some background: not married, 2 DC under 5. I would say I currently do about 80% of childcare (I work part time but outside of these hours, the bulk still falls to me). DP and I are both able to financially manage independently and have appropriate accommodation, although he earns a lot more than me. No drug/alcohol/mental or physical health problems or anything external affecting ability to care for children.

If we separated, I am certain he would want 50/50 and wouldn’t compromise on that between us and it would end up going down the court route. Aside from the unfairness of this, given that I basically do everything for them and he does nowhere near 50% currently despite me repeatedly asking…I really don’t think not having a “base” would be in the children’s best interests,
especially at their age now. I Would also be concerned about the quality of care they would get from him - its not exactly unsafe but it’s hardly stimulating/nurturing:
eg if he’s left in charge he often/usually shoves them in front of an iPad so he can watch tv and go on his phone. He has very limited interest in playing with them although he sometimes will if pushed or if he’s in the mood. He is quite a selfish person who seems to find it difficult to prioritise other people, and other people have to shout to be heard by him - literally and figuratively - including the DC. Has never had both overnight on his own and has limited experience of having both on his own at all - has had them alone for a few hours if I go out, which is very rare. Perhaps he would miraculously become more engaged if we separated but I can’t be sure that if I was out of the picture during “his” time, they would get much from him at all.
He would feed/clothe them and meet their basic needs - all while being on his phone (I’m serious). Tolerable for every other weekend and a weeknight maybe but not 50% of their precious childhood. They are very young and they need adult attention/play/interaction, not see the back of a phone and be ignored.

would this be stuff the courts would take into account? What assessments - if any - would they do of both of us and our capacity to parent? I wouldn’t want to prevent contact but I wouldn’t agree to 50/50.

My understanding is that quality of parenting is irrelevant, unless one parent is “objectively” neglectful (leaving children unattended, not sending them to school, drinking heavily etc)

Your better argument is an uneven split is what the kids are used to, and they are young, and you have a plan to work gradually from 70/30 (say) towards 50/50 (which he might end up never bothering to do!)

FWIW I agree with you and don't think 50/50 is in the best interests of the children unless it's done impeccably by both parents - ie very good communication, two sets of everything at each home so they aren't living out of suitcases and ideally close ish together so they don't have to miss out on social stuff. Even then I would imagine it's disorientating. I wouldn't want to move between homes every other week so I don't see why a kid should.

I think your dh would have to show he's made adequate childcare provisions so being able to collect them from school etc. Could he manage that with work?

If he wants 50/50 in this scenario he’ll get it
if they are over 2.

The bar is very low. My step sister has to hand over her children to their father who has convictions for domestic violence against her witnessed by them. He didn’t get 50/50 while they were babies but once the youngest was 2 it was.

Your only hope is if he can’t be arsed with the reality of it long term.

With young children it’s not usually a week on/week off - something like this is more common

Mon/Tue - parent 1
Wed/Thur - parent 2
Fri/Sat/Sun - alternate weeks

Which is not so bad, as there’s some routine.

It's a difficult one. The courts always look at the children's wishes and feelings if they are competent to inform the court usually cafcass assess this and report to court so that varies from child to child. Needs of the children. Could your husband manage 50% if he works full time who's looking after them while he works picking them up etc ? They look at the welfare and capabilities of each parent etc the court will look at all the circumstances. Wishes and feelings are paramount as is the best interests of the children that interpretation is wide. I don't work in family law my mum did I work in civil law so I'm certainly no expert. You could book a free hours consultation with a reputable family law firm id recommended Vardags if your in the north very expensive but worth it or Farley's although they are on the slow side but more affordable. I know you don't need relationship advise I just wanted to say it seems to be a common scenario now men on phones not listening I'm in the same boat I've had to tell my husband that the little one ignores him because he ignores her, like wake up world ! Look under the welfare tab on the link hope your ok it's a brave step and a really hard one good luck 🤞 www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/section/1

The legal bar for parenting is ‘barely adequate’.

I’m afraid you’re right - parenting quality is irrelevant unless he’s doing something criminal to his DC.

I’m not a lawyer! Yikes, sorry, but pretty sure about this.

Yes I’m a family lawyer. Unfortunately none of what you’ve said would be taken into account. Saying he just shoves an iPad in front of them won’t stop the court awarding a 50:50 split. The presumption is children should have contact with both parents. That doesn’t always mean 50:50 but it’s not a case of one parent is ‘better’ and therefore should have more contact.

ultimately if you disagree it will be a contested process to get a Child Arrangements Order in place. The PP who said wishes and feelings of the children is paramount is wrong. This is usually only a serious consideration when children are 11/12/13 and up.

The court will look at the welfare of the children also what the status quo is. They don’t like messing with what the children are used to.

Ultimately your strongest argument would be they have an established routine with you doing x y z etc and are doing well, and this shouldn’t be changed, rather than making allegations that he doesn’t parent them properly in the ways you describe which objectively to a court aren’t really significant.

Is there any way that you can make it more evident to him what an increase in responsibility 50/50
would entail for him? And pitch a different split (75/25ish perhaps) as being better for him? Or suggest “trying it” to see how that works?

This is what I did and it was a good tactic. My ex is very similar to yours - not outright neglectful but deeply disengaged/lazy. I have an 80/20 spilt and it works well.

Initially he made noises about wanting to increase it over time, which I said “Of course, we can see how it goes.” Naturally, this never eventuated. And my kids are older now, and able to see the difference between the effort I make and the effort he makes, so if any change in split was proposed, I think they would reject it. To be honest, I suspect my daughter is going to ask to decrease the time with her dad at some point (as among various other failures of parenting, he clearly favours her brother) but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Good luck with it.

Thank you all for your responses, very helpful. I don’t think he would be able to do a true 50/50 due to his work although I suspect he will rope in his mother/a new partner
quickly enough to take my place. or maybe he would be forced to step up but I doubt it. The advice to try to sell a different split as the best option for him might be the best way.

The thought of not having my babies 50% of the time and worrying about what is going on when they aren’t with me is very depressing but I don’t see how I can go on like this in the longer term. I am sick and tired of having to ask him several times to do stuff he should just do without asking then being told to stop nagging. He is either deliberately gaslighting me so that I just do things myself or he is so entitled that he thinks he is above anything he deems “women’s work”. Either way, I am so tired and drained and angry and resentful. I don’t want to live like this and I don’t want my kids to either as they will pick up on it. Sometimes it improves for a short burst and I change my mind but it’s always short lived.

thanks again for all your replies.