BF hanging out with ex-crush. WWYD?

[WhimsicalWisteria]

Hi everyone, I am a long time lurker on here but first time poster. I have always really admired everyone's advice on these sorts of threads and now I feel I am in a position where I need it!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year, but technically over 3 years total (we were together years ago then broke up for 1 year and got back together, not imperative to the story but perhaps helpful context). But right now things are so great with us, and we are both so happy.

During our time apart we both obviously had connections with other people, which I am okay with as its healthy and normal to do so. However, one day my boyfriend (rather stupidly in my opinion) told me about his current tennis partner and how he had a big crush on her, they went on a date but she ultimately decided not to go any further with him. And they still regularly play tennis together.

When I was first told about this it really hurt, I don't know why exactly but I think it is because he wasn't the one to break it off, and maybe I am scared there are still residual feelings or attraction on his side. I have managed to not let it bother me too much (mostly because I don't let myself think about it), but yesterday he mentioned going to play tennis with her and I just couldn't handle the thought.

I feel so angry that he ever told me about their history, if I never knew he liked her like that then them hanging out wouldn't really bother me, but unfortunately I now have this information and he cannot take it back. A big part of me feels uncomfortable and almost disrespected, and wants to ask him to get a new tennis partner and not see her again.

My head feels so mixed up about this, I don't want to be controlling or restrictive, but I genuinely hate that they still see each other. Please if anybody has any thoughts or advice I would be so grateful. Is it unreasonable to ask them to stop seeing each other, or is this something I need to try and overcome by myself? Happy to answer any questions too :-)

Hi,

I don't know how old you are but your message reads your quite young? I'm saying this because had I been in this situation in my 20s I'd be asking the same thing but now I'm older, if my partner did this I'd be like what the heck are you doing??
I think it's unfair of him to be still seeing her AFTER he has told you he had a major crush on her and to me, I would feel disrespected too.
You need to to ask him how would be feel if you met up with so and so, or whoever you had contact with in the year apart. Would it make him feel uncomfortable when he's trying hard to make your relationship work.
Unfortunately if he goes on the defensive or doesn't see your side I'd have to really think hard if he actualy cares about me and wants to make it work.
It's hard when your young because you can't see it from the perspective of an older person but it's out of order really his actions if he's with you I think.
Good luck, know your worth xx

I get why you feel a little jealous. However if he hadn't told you and you found out that would have made it worse for me. It sounds like he's being open and honest and I think that's a good thing.
I would honestly talk to him let him know your fears and leave it there. If you can trust him then there is nothing to be done. Your not being unreasonable to feel this way. However he sounds like he's let you know because they still play together out of respect for you.

I think you both need to grow a bit as individuals as it sounds like you are both not ready for a serious relationship

I wouldn't be happy about this OP: the fact that it was her who finished things with him would worry me. And people sharing a physical activity together inevitably become close.
I would be talking to him about how uncomfortable you feel.about him sharing time with her like this. If he cares about you he should understand your concerns.

Man's perspective here:

Is she a tennis partner in the sense of they meet up themselves to choose to play against each other? If so I think you're well within your rights to talk to him about it.

Or is he a member of a tennis club who play matches against other teams, and she is his doubles partner? If it's this scenario, I would consider it very controlling to ask him to step away from playing with her.

There is potentially a lot more intimacy in the first situation than the second, and he'd be affecting the team if he has to change partner, or himself if he decided not to play, neither of which would make him appreciate you raising it.

Do they just play tennis together? Or do they hang out or go for a drink afterwards? I think it's ok if they're just playing tennis.

Ask him to stop seeing her. If he says "no," then run as fast as you can. It is not difficult to find another tennis partner.

I'd share my feelings with him, what happens next, for me, would determine how I move forward. If he is understanding and kind then I would work on believing and trusting him. There will always be women who see your man as a potential, it's about knowing he chooses you and won't risk losing you.
On the other hand, if he becomes defensive or is annoyed that you feel that way, then I'd leave him to it. Life is too short to be second best, if that's what is happening. You can only know by talking to him about it.

I think if he's genuinely got passed all that (and talking to you about it suggests that may be the case) then it would be unreasonable (imho) to expect or demand him to stop playing tennis with her.

I hope he can understand and you can work out an arrangement that works for you both.

He was daft to tell you and I can only think he didn't feel it would bother you. How serious is your relationship? Are you dating or living together? Are they meeting up weekly or less frequently? In a group or just the two of them? Talk to him and just make sure he has strong boundaries with this woman. Tell him you need reassurance that it is no more than mates.

For context, one of my good friends is a guy I met on a dating site. It's completely platonic between us and I know we would never have worked as a couple. He's a good looking guy but I don't look at him like that anymore. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who I love to bits and I wouldn't let the other friendship harm what we have.

I think you would be naive not to be concerned about his friendship with her. She knows he fancies her so it kind of alters the dynamic from just being mates.

Controlling or not, I'd have to ask him not to meet up with her, if he chooses to go ahead anyway; I'd have to cross that bridge when I came to it. The discussion needs to be raised though or it's going to eat away at you.

It does sound like she's an ex crush and they enjoy tennis, but talk to him

That would depend if they're part of a tennis club and doubles partners; if that's the case then generally they're paired up by the club to be in the pairs that give the next chance of winning and it's not easy to swap partners - due to matches booked against other clubs etc.
If it's just a casual knock around at court at the local park then I guess ease of changing player would depend if he knows other people who play.

It was probably unwise of him to share this with you but it would be so much worse if he hadn’t said anything and you found out somehow they’d been on a date that didn’t lead to anything and remained friends & tennis partners.

I think wider context is important here, as a pp has asked. Do they meet & play against each other or are they doubles partners, do they belong to a club and always meet with others when they play etc. If it is a wider social activity then I wouldn’t mind.

I don’t think you can ask him to stop playing with her but you can have a conversation and explain it makes you uncomfortable. How he responds to that conversation may clarify things for you.

why would he tell you if he was going to cheat on you?

I suppose it depends on the crush. I don’t think having a crush means the same for a man as for a woman. I’m assuming he means he was attracted to her sexually, not necessarily that he wanted to be with her or anything. Or even if he did, you guys were separated at the time and it was ok for him to want that with someone at that time. He’s with you and presumably there are really good reasons for that ie he loves you and wants to make it work.
My husband plays tennis. When you say she’s his partner, do you mean mixed doubles partner? If so, they obviously play well together and get good results and if they are competing against other pairs, especially in tournaments, it might disadvantage the club if they end their partnership. And he might not find it that easy to raise, we can’t be partners anymore because my girlfriend found out about our history.
It’s possible for people to be friends who have had a history, and a more involved history than these two have. Could you pressure him to end it? Yes, and he might well do it to please you. But what would that say about the trust in your relationship? Ultimately throughout the course of your relationship your partner will fancy other people (and so will you), it’s normal, we are human. But if there is love, commitment and trust it doesn’t matter. If he is going to stray he will anyway. I think the fact he has been honest about this suggests he won’t.

You'd be surprised how many hide in plain sight, pretending its all above board because they told you about her.

They went on one date and she decided she didn’t like him romantically.

No, that wouldn’t bother me, unless I don’t trust my partner or think he’s lying.
It sounds like there might be more issues in your relationship.

While I understand why you feel the way you do, it seems to me he couldn't win.
If he hadnt told you he'd had a crush and one date- no more because she didn't want that - and you'd found out another way, you'd likely feel he'd been dishonest and worry why he hadn't told you if there was nothing to hide.
On the other hand, he has told you so it's out in the open, and you're worried.
You probably should tell him how you feel, simply to stop it driving you mad and you can work through it, but I don't think it's reasonable or fair to ask him not to continue playing a sport with someone he crushed on back when you weren't together.
Assuming your relationship is healthy, that is, and this isn't his way of messing with your head .....