I am unsure about how to move forward

[SpookySN]

Thanks in advance for reading.

STBXH and I are currently reaching the end of the divorce process after being separated for 2 years. We share a wonderful 16 year old DS.

He lives with me Monday - Friday and stays at his Grandma's with his Dad at the weekend. This is because DS doesn't want to stay at his Dad's new house because he shares it with his new partner and her children.

I have a DP and we are looking at buying a home together early next year. DP is already a home owner but I rent.

DP lives 25 minutes away in another town. We agreed that I would move to his town due to his job being close by. I am not currently happy in my job so had planned to find a job in his town before or during the process of moving there.

For context, DS and I have moved a lot due to STBXH being an ex soldier. We have now been back in our home town for over a year. DS told me tonight that he doesn't want to move again, but particularly to a town he doesn't know and away from his new college friends and girlfriend. I understand this. He suggested going to live with his Grandma and his Dad will still continue to stay there with him at the weekend.

I am not comfortable with this as I want him to continue to live with me. I also don't want him to feel abandoned.

DP and I aren't sure how to move forward. He doesn't like the idea of living in my area and wouldn't sell his house to live in my rented home. He also would be really quite far from his work.

I now can't see how living in his area in our own home is possible.

Does anyone have any support, advice, wisdom? I feel so stuck.

Thank you.

Can't you just stay in your wares for another few years until he's off to uni or working? At 16 he's only a few years off adulthood - I don't blame him for not wanting to move now. You and your bf can continue as you are for another few years and then move in together after that?

I’m sorry to say this but you need to put your son first as this is all very fast for him. All these changes in living arrangements and disruption to his life. He doesn’t seem to have been able to settle all his life due to your ExH career and now the divorce. Can’t you and your dp wait till your Ds is 18 to move in together. Your dp is 25 mins away, that’s fine! My dp is about an hour away but I’m not going to uproot my kids and we’ve been together 5 years now.

If you want your son to continue to live with you, then you need to prioritise him.

At his age though it sounds like he can make his own decisions - especially if it involves going to live with a family member in an area he wants to be.

Being a mum first means being patient.
If for some reason you feel that your new relationship won't cope well with waiting 2 more years for the well-being of your son, than there's something seriously wrong with that relationship.

Wait it out, wait until he's finished school. He'll be grateful for not uprooting his life again and for showing him what he means to you.
Once he's 18 he can choose his own path.

I'd put off moving a couple of years.

He's got A levels or whatever until he's 18 and then he might go off to uni or whatever.

Just put off moving in together for a bit longer, enjoy the dating side of it and not doing the domestic drudgery, and not having to negotiate adding in an adult man into the household with your son.

A couple of years will go quite quickly.

If you've just hit the 2 year mark for separation, I'm presuming this means the max time you've been with your DP is a year and a half-ish? Does he have kids?

It's a bit much to uproot your son again at this stage, and your DPs reasoning for not wanting to live in your area seem a bit flimsy. I'd put off moving for another couple of years for the sake of your son. If your DP is a good guy he should understand and wait - he should be encouraging you to put your son first.

Having been a child around his age with divorcing parents. Stay where you are, so not moved until he can drive / finishes college. I know your life will feel like it has been torn apart and you have had to put it back together. But so has his, and he has had absolutely no say or control in what has happened to him. Put him first, five him some of the stability he hasn't had. If your new relationship is really worth it, it will survive the two years. If it doesn't then it wasn't a good relationship anyhow. Sorry, you need to be a Mum first.

Stay where you are for a few years. Your relationship should be able to handle it in the short term. If it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. Your son needs to come first now.

This
No brainer.

25 minutes apart is nothing really. Your son is old enough to be fairly independent so it's not like you couldn't see your bloke a lot.

Put the next couple of years into providing that stability for your son while he gets to adulthood.

As a fairly new relationship, a bit more time before making those big changes and commitments isn't a bad idea anyway.

Stay where you are, your son is young enough to need you and has already had a lot of moves and upheaval. I don’t know where you live but the travel time is not a lot really compared with the situation a lot of people are in. So is this really a conversation about money/ home owning and renting rather than living together? The impact of your decisions on your DS is more important.

If you want him to live with you then you need to stay where you are for the next 2 years. He must feel like everybody's second choice. His Dad has moved in with his girlfriend, now his Mum is moving in with her boyfriend.

Although the option of staying at his Grandma's is available now people do suddenly become unwell or even die. If that happened in the next 2 years where would he go then? My Mum was perfectly well, diagnosed with terminal cancer following a routine mammogram and died within 3 months. She was early 60s.

Stay where you are for the next 2 years, prioritise your child.