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Original poster

Explaining no contact with 'grandparents' to children

16 replies

FindingNormal · 09/10/2024 20:20

I have recently decide to go no contact with my parents after a fairly long time with very limited contact. I have 2 primary aged kids who have seen their grandparents a handful of times in their lives. Their relationship with their grandparents is not a deep relationship at all but the kids seemingly enjoy seeing them and think of them lovingly I think. Presents are sent for birthdays/Christmas although more recently this has just been cash.

I am wondering how to explain the no contact to the children. I don't want to slag my parents off or to build up resentment in the long term (from the kids- my parents can be as resentful as they like) but I am just not sure how to explain it to them. They know they exist and every so often ask about them (although we haven't seen them in over a year)

Has anyone got any advice or links to resources where these sort of age appropriate conversations are considered

Thanks all.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 09/10/2024 20:26

If you haven’t seen them in over a year I don’t think the kids will be too bothered. If they ask just say that sometimes adults, even family don’t always get along that well and so you’re just taking a time out for now. I wouldn’t make too much of it.

Original poster
FindingNormal · 09/10/2024 20:38

Thanks. I know it isn't quite as urgent as if they saw each other regularly. I just want to be prepared I guess for when the questions arise and am concerned about setting up problems in the future if I don't handle it well. (Possibly the effects of growing up with a narcissist mother have meant I question myself too much but also am terrified at the thought of my own kids feeling about me the way I feel about my parents!)

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 09/10/2024 20:41

Just tell them that some people aren’t safe to be around. You don’t need to go into details, just say it’s to keep everyone protected. You can add more details as they get older.

LindorDoubleChoc · 09/10/2024 20:46

Quite obviously what exactly you say to your children depends on the reason for going no contact with your parents.

AnnaMagnani · 09/10/2024 20:49

If you already don't see them often, they probably won't be that bothered.

If/when they eventually ask I'd just say they aren't nice people.

ChitterChatter1987 · 09/10/2024 20:51

Hey- we went NC with DH's parents a couple of years ago....DD was 5 at the time.She asked abit to start with (curiously not in an upset way) but mainly about the family disagreements that led up to it.We were honest, and said they had been unkind to Daddy and other family members, and had not said sorry for or fixed their mistakes, so we didn't want to speak to them anymore.

I did used to ask DD on occasion if they ever came up in conversation, if she minded not seeing them or missed them, and tried to make it clear to her that she could talk about them or ask questions if she wanted to, and feel how she wanted to about them/the situation.But
she was never really bothered to be honest...we saw them maybe every 4-8 wks but they weren't really that involved or hands on, didn't live nearby and weren't very playful with the girls, so there was never that strong relationship there.We had already had a 10mth fall out a couple of years before so this was their 2nd chance (which they obviously blew) Now, a couple of years on from not seeing them, she barely mentions them.
My mum is the atypical doting, involved and playful grandma, so DD has always been close to her....with kids you get out what you put in.

We used to get vouchers and cards from the other grandparents, but when we knew the NC was going to be long term we put a stop to that as didn't need the girls being reminded of them when they are no longer part of our lives.Also we didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they had used that successfully as a form of contact, that we were accepting gifts.
So we post them back now.

Dd2 was 8mths the last time she saw them so won't grow up remembering them, if she asks we will be honest and tell her what we told DD1.....
No point pretending they are something they're not.

Jessie1259 · 09/10/2024 20:54

I wouldn't bring it up unless they do. Do they ask when they're seeing them next? If it comes up I would just say that your mum was very unkind to you for a long time so you decided not to see her for now. You can't protect your children by minimising it too much because otherwise they will just think you cut people out for no reason or that they should run away from home the minute you're 'not very nice' to them.

Original poster
FindingNormal · 09/10/2024 20:59

ChitterChatter1987 · 09/10/2024 20:51

Hey- we went NC with DH's parents a couple of years ago....DD was 5 at the time.She asked abit to start with (curiously not in an upset way) but mainly about the family disagreements that led up to it.We were honest, and said they had been unkind to Daddy and other family members, and had not said sorry for or fixed their mistakes, so we didn't want to speak to them anymore.

I did used to ask DD on occasion if they ever came up in conversation, if she minded not seeing them or missed them, and tried to make it clear to her that she could talk about them or ask questions if she wanted to, and feel how she wanted to about them/the situation.But
she was never really bothered to be honest...we saw them maybe every 4-8 wks but they weren't really that involved or hands on, didn't live nearby and weren't very playful with the girls, so there was never that strong relationship there.We had already had a 10mth fall out a couple of years before so this was their 2nd chance (which they obviously blew) Now, a couple of years on from not seeing them, she barely mentions them.
My mum is the atypical doting, involved and playful grandma, so DD has always been close to her....with kids you get out what you put in.

We used to get vouchers and cards from the other grandparents, but when we knew the NC was going to be long term we put a stop to that as didn't need the girls being reminded of them when they are no longer part of our lives.Also we didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they had used that successfully as a form of contact, that we were accepting gifts.
So we post them back now.

Dd2 was 8mths the last time she saw them so won't grow up remembering them, if she asks we will be honest and tell her what we told DD1.....
No point pretending they are something they're not.

Edited

Thanks for this. It's helpful. Similarly my husband's parents are much more involved so they have a strong relationship there.

OP posts:
Original poster
FindingNormal · 09/10/2024 21:00

Jessie1259 · 09/10/2024 20:54

I wouldn't bring it up unless they do. Do they ask when they're seeing them next? If it comes up I would just say that your mum was very unkind to you for a long time so you decided not to see her for now. You can't protect your children by minimising it too much because otherwise they will just think you cut people out for no reason or that they should run away from home the minute you're 'not very nice' to them.

They do sometimes ask yes- and until I had made the decision that enough was enough I just sort of vaguely said I wasn't sure when we were going to see them next. But now I feel like the decision has been made so being truthful but age appropriate is important

OP posts:
QueenMaize · 09/10/2024 21:23

I went NC with my mother when my youngest was 3-4 months old, eldest was 10 and middle was 18 months. The eldest (now 15) has maintained a rare exchange of texts now he has a phone and understands and respects my reasons, he feels a sense of obligation. The younger two have asked if I have a mum and where she is, mainly because they notice I don’t call my stepmum ‘Mum’, I have explained to them I do have a Mum but she wasn’t very nice to me and so I chose to not have her in my life. The questions started when they were 5 and 4. It’s great that you’re thinking ahead on what to say as it can be so random! Thankfully she has no idea where we live now as I know she would turn up if she did. I hope that doesn’t happen to you OP.

Rania21 · 14/03/2025 21:38

FindingNormal · 09/10/2024 20:20

I have recently decide to go no contact with my parents after a fairly long time with very limited contact. I have 2 primary aged kids who have seen their grandparents a handful of times in their lives. Their relationship with their grandparents is not a deep relationship at all but the kids seemingly enjoy seeing them and think of them lovingly I think. Presents are sent for birthdays/Christmas although more recently this has just been cash.

I am wondering how to explain the no contact to the children. I don't want to slag my parents off or to build up resentment in the long term (from the kids- my parents can be as resentful as they like) but I am just not sure how to explain it to them. They know they exist and every so often ask about them (although we haven't seen them in over a year)

Has anyone got any advice or links to resources where these sort of age appropriate conversations are considered

Thanks all.

You should not be projecting your own feelings to wards your parents on to your kids, they have a right to their relationship and it will backfire when they’re older

ClioMuse · 14/03/2025 21:54

Rania21 · 14/03/2025 21:38

You should not be projecting your own feelings to wards your parents on to your kids, they have a right to their relationship and it will backfire when they’re older

Show quote history

Em Rania leave the OP be. You have no idea what she's been through with her parents.

Original poster
FindingNormal · 14/03/2025 22:12

Rania21 · 14/03/2025 21:38

You should not be projecting your own feelings to wards your parents on to your kids, they have a right to their relationship and it will backfire when they’re older

Show quote history

@Rania21do you mean that you think my parents have a right to see my kids or that my kids have a right to see my parents. I have issue with either view to be honest.

OP posts:
Rania21 · 15/03/2025 11:46

I have every right to voice my opinion on a public forum.

Original poster
FindingNormal · 15/03/2025 14:56

You do u babe

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2025 14:57

Old thread.

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