BF and marriage

[Rainee123]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I have always been clear that I wanted marriage particularly if we were to have children, as it was important to me to feel like one family and also to provide the protections of marriage.

Boyfriend has been married before, in his early 20s, didn’t last long. I was sure to question him early on to see if it was in his plans to get married again as it would be a potential deal breaker for me, he said he would and the relationship developed, buying a house together, getting a dog etc.

Now, 5 years in, and in my early 30s, every time I bring it up he gets defensive. We have started talking seriously about trying for a baby, yet he doesn’t seem to budge on the marriage front, says that if you are happy why bother. This upsets me because I was clear from the start that it was my desire to get married. Also he bothered before, with someone else.

We earn pretty much the same and contribute 50/50 to everything so I can’t understand why money would be an issue.

I just feel like a fool, like I’ve been strung along for so long with my feelings and desires not really considered.

I don’t really know why I am posting this, I suppose I am asking for advice and what would you do in this situation.

Oh love. This is what men can be like!

Tbh, I'd lay down the law to him. You've been together 5 years. Either he commits and you get married. Or he fucks off and stops wasting your time.

Don't try for a baby with someone who is happy to remain in a disposable relationship

You’re in your early 30s. Still time to find someone else to have babies with.

He’s been Future Faking you for 5 years. I’d have a hard conversation with him that I won’t allow him to Future Fake me any longer. It may involve moving on to find someone else.

I would tell him what you want and that you won’t be having a baby unless you are married. If you do have a baby, he will never marry you then.

My DP and I have been together some years, had a baby and moved in together quite quickly. Both been married before and we always said we’d get married one day only he changed his mind. It does upset me sometimes as it makes me feel I am not good enough to marry. Financially, I’m ok.

My friend refused to move in with her DP, a confirmed batchelor, with her two DCs unless he committed to marriage. They got married a year later.

Do not get pregnant. Tell him you want to get married and if he doesn’t that’s fine but you do, so you’ll need to part ways. If he doesn’t want to get married, there’s nothing much you can do and I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum because doing something under duress is never a good basis for anything. Just be honest about what you want and assess if the relationship has a future or not. Do it now though before you get any older. You still have to meet the right guy to marry and have kids and that may take a few years.

In your situation I would be getting very cross tbh.

There is an ultimatum here, but actually the ultimatum now lies with you. You know what you want and what your boundary is.

So tell him how it is, and that you need marriage. Either he wants to or not. That’s literally it. Do it tonight, even.

Then move in with your life, in whichever direction it goes. It will work out just fine.

Also agree with pp: do not have a baby with this guy under these circumstances.

Also: you are being perfectly and entirely reasonable. Marriage is not a dirty word.

He is not going to marry you and deep down you know this.
Nothing you say, or do, will change his mindset.

Emotionally investing in a man that behaves like this, goes back on his word, or changes his mind over time, and you know he has moved the goal post re marriage, perhaps you need to shift your focus away from him and towards what you want, and need.
This man will not go along with what you need.
He may love you, but not enough to respect this simple request to marry you.

Buying a house does not equal marriage.
Being happy now does not equal to marriage.
Having shared finances does not equal to marriage.

Do not change your needs to protect his. Shift your focus if you want these things, and shift them away from him and more towards you.

some men are just like that OP, they tell you what they know you need to hear in order to carry on as usual. They fear the "trap.

He is protecting himself from another marriage for whatever reasons he may never tell you. But after 5 years its quite clear he is quite confortable and where HE is happy. You dont matter that much as he has done this before, didnt work out and to keep you all this time, has told you all the things he needs to in order to keep you where he needs you re sex, financial contribution, housework, status etc..

Well your only alternative is to ask him to marry you? If he says no you can move on. However I don't think I'd like to pressure anyone to marry me but if everything is good currently in your relationship do you leave just to get married? The next guy might want to get married but he might be a worse person 🥴

Thanks all for your responses so far, really appreciate it.

I suppose this is my biggest worry if I was to leave, BUT I was very clear when we started our relationship it was what I wanted. It does feel like he has left it to the moment where I have to seriously think about children in the hope that it will make me overlook marriage.

Id break up. He is not a nice man. You have been very clear about your expectations and he has been dishonest by not explaining that he does not share your views on marriage. Thats cowardly and selfish. I'd say he is also completely aware that marriage is a legal contract that gives you rights and he does not want you to have those rights. Not a man you want to be tied to.

I'm sorry.

If you have children without marriage, you bear the career risk and financial burden motherhood brings but without the compensatory benefit of sharing the gains he makes as his career and pension pot progresses. He, on the other hand, gets his genes out in the gene pool with minimal commitment of finance and labour.

exactly this. At the moment you are financially equal. The moment you take a maternity leave, that changes.

I'd simply say to him "look you knew I wanted marriage. I have no intention of having a baby with someone who isn't married to me. you feel differently and don't want marriage so lets figure out how to sell the house/sort the break up out" Don't accept a vague promise to marry you eventually. Don't accept a reluctant "I suppose I'll do it if you want it so much" Tell him he should be bloody thrilled to marry you - not have to be persuaded into it.

because that is the truth, OP.

He’s stringing you along OP hoping you will give up and accept he won’t marry you.
Call his bluff , you know what you want have been honest since Day 1 - he’s the one changing the goal posts .
Dont lower your expectations, and don’t have a baby with him