Is this cheating?

[BeRedTiger]

Hi,
I am a long time reader first time question asker. So here is the story. I am a male married for over 15 years. I have been an active husband and do primarily all the house chores in addition to the full time job. My wife has been pretty happy, however, she is a little bit on the quiet side. She has always complained that I am not that emotionally available and that I don't appreciate her always or express love in words.

Recently going through her phone, for a completely unrelated thing, there was a text message which looked a bit funny. So i opened it up and it was a joke from one of her ex work colleagues. I know of the colleague and she has told me that they chat work related stuff from time to time to vent. Before i closed the chat, i just realised that the phone said that there are around 15K messages in the chat and if I wanted to archive because of storage constraints. I was a bit shocked by the number of messages. So i started reading them. Now, most of the messages were harmless chat but every now and then they escalated in to sensual stuff. Like he said I wish I could sit next to you and feel your back next to me while watching a movie, or how I wish I can run my hands through your hair and comfort you or how you feel like the morning sunshine. There was nothing pure sexual but still touchy feely stuff. She had replied with similar messages saying I wish it was so. But every now and then she told him that such talks will only result in someone getting hurt. Later there was a suggestion to move to snapchat so that the messages can be deleted automatically.

I confronted my wife about it and she got very angry that I went through her messages without her permission. She said that it is not an emotional affair and that it is just a normal friendship that sometimes escalates a bit. But there is no improper stuff happening considering the colleague now lives in another country 6 hour away plane ride. She said that I knew about this and that I had given her permission to talk to her male friend. She then said that she thought I was an exhibitionist and wanted to share her with other people and then it all goes back to the point where she says that my EQ is low and that I dont properly connect with her. She says that she knew this before we got married but thought I will change overtime. We have two young ones and at this time i have no desire to leave. She has stopped talking to that colleague and is now going to counselling saying that the whole thing has been very difficult for her. The counselor (IMO) has been agreeing with her saying that because I am not that emotionally available and that she found a chance to fulfill that side of her personality without having a physical affair so there is nothing wrong done.

I just want to get the opinion of members here to see if you will consider this cheating. Yes it hurt a lot and the fact she did not apologise for it either. She actually says that she has done nothing wrong and not ashamed for anything.

Of course it's cheating. It's an Emotional Affair. Would she be happy, if you were texting a female colleague, saying how you'd like to run your fingers through her hair, and feel her body next to yours?

I would be furious if I found anything like this on my husband's phone - the marriage would be OVER.

Not a nice situation to be in, sorry you're going through this.

For me, it is overstepping a line. I would be hurt by it and see it as a red flag, regardless of if it's labelled/considered as cheating or not.

I would say that it doesn't matter what it's labelled as - it's where you set your boundaries - and to ask yourself if she's overstepped them for you or not.

Regardless of the reasons she's using to validate her actions, the blame should not be on you. She's choosing to 'escalate' things and that's her choice entirely.

Hope you're okay x

Yes. She crossed a line and somewhere in her, she knows that. She is currently in denial (they ALL start out there when they get caught) and only time will tell if she can and will realise just how badly she’s fucked up. Friendships do not “escalate a bit”.

Yes, it’s cheating, and the suggestion that it move to Snapchat and her talk of someone getting hurt confirms it.

I actually asked her the same that how would she feel if i texted someone. She says that she will not allow me to talk to anyone that way and will stop the talk way before it escalates. She is insisting that I knew about it and that I didn't stop it. She said that you knew we were chatting late night, what did you expect people chat late night about. In fairness she did tell me that he compliments her sometimes and that she feels good about the compliments. Call it my ignorance but I thought it was all benign. She said that since there is no possibility of a physical relation that is why she was ok if it escalated a bit. She also told me that the guy is getting married to someone else. When I asked what would his wife think, She said that it is not her problem but the Colleague's issue.

She would expect you not to do it, so it is entirely fair for you to ask her to stop. If she refuses, that’s a very bad sign.

She is insisting that I knew about it and that I didn't stop it. She said that you knew we were chatting late night, what did you expect people chat late night about.

Ow. That's not good. It's your fault that she was having dodgy late night chats, because you didn't stop her??

She says that she has stopped. It has been more than 2 months since she had any contact with him. She says that it has been very hard for her. But I think there is a trust deficit now, I don't know if she calls him from work or uses some social media that I dont know about or have they actually broken whatever there was.

You need couples counselling together. Her counsellor is (quite properly) listening to her in a non-judgmental way and helping her understand why she did what she did, but she's obviously interpreting that as her counsellor agreeing with her that her behaviour is fine. And repeating that to you. A counsellor isn't a referee, but a good couples counsellor should help you both understand how the other person feels.

I am really sorry to hear that - it must be very hard.

Can you open up more emotionally to her and give her something of what she is missing? You read a lot of her conversations - which might give you an idea of what she wants to talk about.

I also agree with PP that some couples counselling would help, but if she is still in contact, it won’t work.