Getting a divorce from someone who lied and cheated but I’m devastated, what is wrong with me?!

[Applejoker]

Short story long (sorry it will be long)…..
Married for 10 years and H has on and off been in contact with other women (I saw numerous WhatsApp messages to glamorous looking women). Always said how sorry he was but I never truly believe it stopped. I know, I know, I should have left sooner but I’m a fool and didn’t. Leopards, spots, etc. I don’t know if he physically cheated.

Fast forward and he’s now in prison (not DV/V related) for something I had ZERO clue about. My world got turned upside down overnight and I lost everything and now struggle in pretty much every area of life.

I’ve filed for divorce as I can’t wait and he’s just continually lied to me on a catastrophic scale.

BUT, here’s the thing. I feel immense guilt and sadness for him and ultimately us. I worry about him and his feelings. What is wrong with me?! I’ve met someone new and I fear I’m sabotaging it because I’m still hankering on to something that didn’t really exist. I thought our life was pretty perfect and we had no worries and then boom. The thought of my H finding out I’ve met someone else breaks my heart as it will destroy him.

I’m at a real loss and just need some advice or words of comfort.

Nothing wrong at all! I think it's a very normal response but I doubt you're sad about losing him, maybe more grief at losing the life you thought you would have?
My ExH cheated multiple times but it still broke me choosing to divorce hi. Because it was scary, it was ending what I knew (even if it was shit!) And I definitely grieved for my future life.
Even now, a few years on, I go photos of us and the kids and it makes my heart ache.
Be kind to yourself!

Thank you, and yes I think you’re right about the life I thought we had and would have. It’s just a very sad place to be sometimes. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I think it’s because you thought everything was perfect and the rug was pulled from under you. It’s probably almost like shock that you’re experiencing. How long have you been separated?

You’re grieving the life you wanted or expected from your marriage. Also, you married him, so he must have had his good points, and you’re missing this. Maybe also missing his companionship and daunted at your new future. Give yourself some tlc. .

Separated over a year now. He tells me how much he misses me and thinks about what he’s done to me everyday, that really gets to me. I’m an emotional person and the tears are just flowing at the moment because I know what I’m doing is hurting him and because he’s in prison he doesn’t really have anyone to talk too and that also upsets me immensely. I know I’m not responsible for his feelings but it doesn’t stop me feeling sad for him. My world literally imploded though, I now work 4 jobs trying to keep enough money coming in to pay rent and bills and I’m really scraping by.

You're grieving!
Isn't there something like seven stages of grief?.
Just because his moral fibre was lacking doesn't mean you should feel nothing but pleasure to escape the marriage... All your hopes and dreams gone up in smoke, your own loyalty and deep commitment wasted, you loved him deeply - that doesn't vanish over night just cos he didn't deserve it.

Give yourself a break and a hug and allow yourself to feel this deep deep loss and all the tangled of who said and did what and tragic timing, and wasted potential etc etc

Why are you in touch with him OP? You need to have zero contact with him for your own well being. Any divorce stuff can go through solicitors.

If he's really learnt his lesson, he'll improve and do better in future.
Or it's just self pity and he'll talk as long as you let him while he's got your attention.
Better yet, reason his contact to what you can cope with, one half hour chat a month... Or nothing, but don't be at his beck and call...
He can talk to the prison chaplain if he needs a shoulder to cry on...
His self awareness isn't great if he 'realises' he's caused you a great wound, fucked your life up and yet still expects you to offer emotional succour to him - more burdens. Selfish to the end isn't he.

I do think you mustn’t lose sight of the fact that he was messaging other women and you really don’t have an idea of what exactly went on.
Dont allow him to milk your guilt @Applejoker, this is all on him. He possibly cheated, lied to you and has ended up in prison. Don’t allow him to turn the tables as if you are the one that should be helping him and are unreasonable not to do so. I’m sure he is sad it’s turned out like this but I do think he’s playing you here.

A year is not a long time at all. I wasn't anywhere near ready to start a new relationship at that point - and I didn't have ambiguous feelings about my ex as you do. Are you sure you want to jump straight into a new serious relationship? Maybe the sabotaging is your subconscious being very sensible?

As for why your feelings are ambiguous - you are a decent human with a heart, and can't just switch it off instantly.

"The thought of my H finding out I’ve met someone else breaks my heart as it will destroy him."

It really won't destroy him. He's probably not nearly as upset about your split and his imprisonment as you think. There are counsellors at the prison he can talk through his feelings with and I bet he's made friends with other prisoners that he can manipulate like he did to you.

If you want to have a happy life and give your new relationship a fighting chance you need to move on and not accept contact from him. Is there someone at the prison who can be an intermediary for your divorce?

Honestly I think starting a new relationship so soon is a mistake.

You're going from one man who routinely lied to you, cheated on you and shredded your self esteem to someone new when you haven't dealt with the emotional impact of all of that.

You'll likely pick another lemon that way.

I think you should take a year out to do some counselling or self-help and get yourself in a better place.

Do you have children op?

I had a similar experience- stbxh was found talking to other women which I thought was as bad as it got. Stayed with him because I believed his apologies and that he was genuinely sorry. Then it turned out he was being investigated for iioc and what I'd found was the very tip of the iceberg. I lost my home, my job, friendships and will be lone parenting under financial pressure.

Your grieving because you had hope and hope is powerful. You had hope for who you wanted him to be, you had hope for your future and you had hope that he would love you the way you are supposed to be loved.

I think you're still maybe in a bit of denial as to who he is. You have sympathy for him because you are an empathetic human being who feels pain when they see someone in distress. But he's only in distress as a consequence to his choices. He chose to do what he did repeatedly knowing it would hurt you. He chose the betrayals over you repeatedly. And now by coming back to you upset he's trying to play on your good nature and your care for others to benefit himself.

The idea of stbxh in prison is deeply uncomfortable for me... I fully believe he deserves to be for what he's done and the victims deserve that justice. But I can't imagine him in prison the thought makes me feel sick. But when I feel like that I remember that I cannot let him drag me down with him. Drag our child down with him.

If you have a chance at happiness you need to take it op. And that means cutting your ex off completely. No more contact means no more manipulation. No more lies. No more nasty surprises and disappointments. Get yourself into counselling, value yourself and aspire for a good life. A peaceful, calm and loving life. You cannot have that with him.

You do know that as soon as he gets out, he won't want you OP, don't you?
Oh he might use you to get back on his feet again but ultimately he will have someone else (probably already a work in progress) and if they have somewhere for him to live, you won't see him for dust.
You need to toughen up and stop feeling sorry for the pathetic waste of space. Concentrate on your own future happiness and cut all direct contact.

Thank you, I really appreciate your comments. I’m lucky (but also unlucky) as we have no children (something I have longed for).

I’m so sorry to hear of your situation too. Having to rebuild your life is scary but it’s also a second chance and we don’t often get those. The thought of someone you loved in prison is utterly harrowing but when I find myself starting to think about it I distract myself with something else as I don’t need that anxiety.

I hope you too are taking time for yourself.

I don’t have a solicitor for the divorce as I don’t have the money. Also, all of his assets have been frozen so I don’t think I’ll be entitled to anything at all.

Do you claim any benefits op? If so universal credit is a gateway benefit to legal aid? If his assets etc have been frozen it's essential you seek legal advice as you may be entitled to something and that needs to be protected urgently. You can take the cost of your legal fees out of that and usually an initial consultation would be about £60-100 for an hour? That would be worth doing just to get solid advice on your position.