Impossible to reason with ex partner

Crazylife38 · 2024-10-09T05:01:33+00:00

Hi all so 3 weeks ago my ex walked out on me and his ds now living in his mates spare room , things were amicable until he started with he childish selfish ways again, long story short I said he will see his son once I have sorted set days for our sons benefit not when he demands , he turned up Friday expecting to just walk in my house again but because he couldn't he kicked off calling me a rat etc in front of out DS so I rang police I spoke to social services yesterday and they agreed with me that he needs to sort his life out , grow up and he needs set days for our ds as our ds needs a safe , consistent and providing dad not one who kicks off , hes 35 by the way and thinks hanging with his younger mates every night acting like a teenager is what adults do , they are going to ring him at some point, anyway after I told him his child comes first before his mates and everything else and that he really needs to grow up get a job and stop acting like a teenager for his children not anyone else it's not sunk in! even his own daughter to his ex told him that he needs to get a proper job and his own place to live so that he can have his children properly and the response she got was ' don't tell me what to do I do what I want when I want ' I spoke to him yesterday about set days which social services wanted me to sort , and he ignored it , then demanded to speak to our ds via facetime and because I missed the call he was making demands at me . I don't care what the guy thinks of me but to me my child comes first yet it's impossible to co parent with him he cant speak to me with respectjust swears at me ot talks to me like dirt! Has anyone had similar or no any other roots I can go down ?

Whatbloodysummer · 09/10/2024 06:24

You're going to need either supervised contact only, which would be at a separate venue i.e he never comes near your home or needs to talk to you at all (all contact should now be only via an email and only messages relating to your child and contact should be discussed), or arrange contact via a 3rd party e.g your parent/his parent.

So firstly, open a new email account that is solely for him to use to arrange contact etc, email him a message on the new account to let him know this is the only way he is to contact you from now on and that you will only reply to emails about contact etc.

Secondly, BLOCK him from ALL mobile/social media.

Thirdly, I'd contact my HV for a meeting to discuss his abuse so it's on record (and it IS abuse) and how to arrange contact.

Lastly, I'd also be phoning the police whenever he verbally abuses you so that it's on record too. This would include him turning up at your house (you DON'T open the door or communicate with him in ANY way, you just phone the police immediately), sending you nasty emails or any contact he makes at all which is nasty or abusive (he'll try to get to you via friends mobiles/social media/whatsapp etc, so don't get sucked in, once you know it's him, you hang up).

Meantime, he gets zero contact with his DC unless he's done it correctly and not abused you.

Original poster

Crazylife38 · 09/10/2024 06:44

@Whatbloodysummer thank you for your advice :)

OP posts:

Meadowfinch · 09/10/2024 06:52

I'd suggest some basics until a regular routine is established or until you get a court order.

You don't say how old your DS is, but bear in mind that co-parenting is for up to 18 years if your child is to have a relationship with their father. It isn't easy. I know I've had to bite my tongue a few times over the years to get the balance right but it can be worth it.

Why not suggest he collects your DS at a specific time on Sunday and takes him out for a McBurger or whatever. Set your ex's expectations clearly. He's not coming in your house. Have your DS ready. Be calm, breezy, professional in front of your child. See if you can manoeveur him into behaving decently.

Original poster

Crazylife38 · 09/10/2024 07:31

@Meadowfinch tried it his response is I do what I want when I want x

OP posts:

Meadowfinch · 09/10/2024 07:37

Op, then you invite him to collect your ds at 10am. Don't tell your child. Go out at 11 and get on with your day. His loss.

Then rinse and repeat. If he wants to see his child, he'll show up next time.

Daschund · 09/10/2024 07:57

Was he ever consistent with his ex and DD? It sounds like he has form (if you hadn't said his age, I'd have thought teenager), a deadbeat in the making.
Make sure you have an email (or written) trail where you have done what was asked by child services or whoever, beyond that I'd leave it to him to take you to court for access. Then it's on him.
Women need to think very carefully who they procreate with. Only my youngest (18) is a DD. My thoughts for a life partner at that age were so naive looking back, all hearts and flowers. I regularly reinforce with her the importance of financial independence (especially if she wants DC), marriage and deeds not words. I'm not victim blaming or projecting (married to DH 30 years), but I think we need to educate women to protect them from such feckless individuals.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 09/10/2024 08:25

Ime a man with dc to different women won't ever get his shit together and organise proper contact...
Send him potential contact options. Do not communicate beyond that. Or tell him to get a solicitor.. He won't bother I imagine. Claim cms... He doesn't get to opt out of financial support..

Original poster

Crazylife38 · 09/10/2024 08:41

@Daschund no wasn't consistent with his ex still isn't he can go 3weeks or more not seeing his kids to her , he never bother with his child to me before when we were together now he thinks seeing him for 10 mins or taking him out once makes him dad of the year no it doesn't work like that x

OP posts:

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/10/2024 09:19

Whatbloodysummer · 09/10/2024 06:24

You're going to need either supervised contact only, which would be at a separate venue i.e he never comes near your home or needs to talk to you at all (all contact should now be only via an email and only messages relating to your child and contact should be discussed), or arrange contact via a 3rd party e.g your parent/his parent.

So firstly, open a new email account that is solely for him to use to arrange contact etc, email him a message on the new account to let him know this is the only way he is to contact you from now on and that you will only reply to emails about contact etc.

Secondly, BLOCK him from ALL mobile/social media.

Thirdly, I'd contact my HV for a meeting to discuss his abuse so it's on record (and it IS abuse) and how to arrange contact.

Lastly, I'd also be phoning the police whenever he verbally abuses you so that it's on record too. This would include him turning up at your house (you DON'T open the door or communicate with him in ANY way, you just phone the police immediately), sending you nasty emails or any contact he makes at all which is nasty or abusive (he'll try to get to you via friends mobiles/social media/whatsapp etc, so don't get sucked in, once you know it's him, you hang up).

Meantime, he gets zero contact with his DC unless he's done it correctly and not abused you.

Children copy their parents behaviour .
There is a danger your child will mimic his fathers poor parenting if you do not put things in place to prevent him from being ……
I think the above advice is a good starting point.
Dont allow this man to mess your child about , waiting with his coat on for a dad who doesn’t turn up , treats his wife and women like objects and can’t be bothered to work.
Be strong OP and don’t let him dictate your son’s future

Original poster

Crazylife38 · 09/10/2024 09:25

@Pumpkinpie1 thank you. The way I see it is he has 0 respect for me the mother of his child so how can he respect his child

OP posts:

sunflowersngunpowdr · 09/10/2024 09:43

I don't really get it. He called you a rat so you called the police? Did he try and hurt you or was he just calling you names? He's a lazy layabout but you knew this as he was a deadbeat father to his other child. Why did you choose this man to procreate with? You say your son comes first ... doesn't that mean you are supposed to choose the best father possible for your children? I understand that life happens and we all make mistakes but there's no point in being angry now - you knew what this guy was like.

thiscantbemylife · 09/10/2024 10:29

sunflowersngunpowdr · 09/10/2024 09:43

I don't really get it. He called you a rat so you called the police? Did he try and hurt you or was he just calling you names? He's a lazy layabout but you knew this as he was a deadbeat father to his other child. Why did you choose this man to procreate with? You say your son comes first ... doesn't that mean you are supposed to choose the best father possible for your children? I understand that life happens and we all make mistakes but there's no point in being angry now - you knew what this guy was like.

So she should get a Time Machine and go back in time? What is the point of comments like yours? Everyone has different intellects, different situations. I picked a guy who to the world was charming and was financially stable and successful but as soon as I was pregnant his mask slipped. You can’t always just blame the mothers.

She has come on here for support not a scalding and victim blaming.

Original poster

Crazylife38 · 09/10/2024 11:10

@thiscantbemylife exactly this thank you !and I'm sorry but when he's threatening to smash my door through calling me names in front of my children through the windows booting my door why shouldn't I of called them ? I don't see the point in these comments either sorry there lives so perfect 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

thiscantbemylife · 09/10/2024 14:01

Crazylife38 · 09/10/2024 11:10

@thiscantbemylife exactly this thank you !and I'm sorry but when he's threatening to smash my door through calling me names in front of my children through the windows booting my door why shouldn't I of called them ? I don't see the point in these comments either sorry there lives so perfect 🤦‍♀️

I understand.

Taking abuse out of it you could even be with someone ten years and someone will say why did you pick them. When the guy you would pick at 21 wouldn’t be who you would pick at 31 and for the lucky ones you grow as your relationship does but for some, people change and can become worse with time.
Gosh I would have done anything to have known how my ex would have turned out but my judgement now as a woman in my 30s is much different to when I was in my teens and 20s.

Sometimes it’s as simple as that folks and not kind to kick someone when they are down.