How to manage visitors with a new born

[Lara121]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and I feel really overwhelmed by the amount of people who have visited us/asked to visit us. I am quite an introvert if I'm honest and have a few people that I feel comfortable enough with to be myself (everyone else gets smiley, nothing is the matter, everything is fine me which I know is slightly fake but I hate offending people and worry a lot about being rude).
My in laws have been visiting a lot as well as family members from my side that I don't know very well. All of these people never or rarely visited us before my son was born and to be honest I just want my mum and my husband. Is that selfish?
Baby sleeps okay during the day, very little at night and I'd just like to be able to go to sleep when he sleeps and breastfeed when I need to where I feel comfortable (some family members aren't comfortable with me breastfeeding in front of them).
I don't know what to do. Is it selfish or ungrateful to ask people for some space for a little while? I understand I can't ask my mother in law to stop as she is the same relation as my mum but I'm exhausted and I suppose she isn't someone who I feel comfortable with ( or know very well - she was never interested before but now she is trying).
Help.

No it's not selfish. It's okay!

Take a couple of weeks without visitors (or only a few short from grandparents if you think its best to allow them) and settle down as a new mum and family. Ask your husband to support you.

Definitely not selfish. Remember you are still healing - you need time to recover as well. It sounds like you've already had some visitors, so it's not as if you are saying noone can come at all. If you need an excuse, just say baby has lots of appointments with HV / GP etc so no can do, and offer them a time to visit in a month or so.

With my second baby, if DH's family were visiting, I gave the baby to him and let him host whilst I went for a nap upstairs. He just told them that I was recovering / doing lots of night feeds etc and needed the sleep.

Also if anyone is uncomfortable with you breastfeeding in your own home, make sure they are the ones to leave the room, not you. Otherwise I'd be telling them they are welcome to postpone visits until you wean!

This is the advice I received from my HV. Tell people your Health Visitor has ordered you to have no visitors (at all) for a week. If necessary, put a sign on the door.

Tell people you are not up to seeing them just yet and you'll let them know when it is convenient for them to come.

When you eventually feel up to having visitors, chat to them for 10-20 minutes before handing baby to husband and going to bed for a rest.

Be firm. Don't let people mess with your recovery.

At least a month I'd say!

No way are you selfish. it's awful the way people descend on a new mother and baby and then often sit around talking to themselves. Not bad if they only stay for ten minutes but that doesn't happen often.

For the first month visits should be restricted to grandparents, otherwise just people to whom you are close, maybe siblings, who will not mind you going up to bed, feeding etc, and who will help, ie wash up, tidy, fold laundry, quietly.

Tbh if family members aren’t comfortable with you breastfeeding then I’d suggest they don’t visit until they are! (Easier said than done I know) Yes definitely limit visitors- you’re still recovering! I personally find that people are better about not being allowed round if they have a date-in-the diary e.g. “so sorry we can’t see you Wednesday, we are free on Sunday at 2 though and we’d love to catch up then” etc. Hope you find something that works for you.

I agree with PPs! Perfectly fine to say not this week thank you. Also to your MIL you can say the same! I’m a MIL and we visited very very briefly a few times during the early weeks. It’s not about your MIL or your Mum for that matter. A quick ten minutes is fine for a quick baby cuddle or if you’re in bed with baby then stay there. They’ll be fine with that if they are caring and reasonable, if not then tough. Get your DH to support you and hand off some of these family visits for a few weeks at least.
Enjoy your new baby ❤️

I felt exactly the same as you.
My Husband put a note on our front door saying "Mum and baby resting, please do not knock"
which was great as it stopped unplanned visits from well wishers.
If I had messages come through on my phone, he answered them saying "Hi XXXX, Thanks for your well wishes, XXXX and baby are doing really well but are taking some quiet, uninterrupted time to bond and recover. We'll be in touch soon" and then sent them a photo of baby. It seemed to do the trick and no one (that I know of!) Was offended.
My mum and sisters all came over whenever they liked as I'm comfortable being around them and really wanted them around, they were super helpful in practical ways and I didn't feel the need to mask my true feelings in front of them.
Don't feel guilty or selfish, you need to put yourself first!

People are coming to your house and saying they're uncomfortable with you breast-feeding! That's absolutely outrageous.

I preferred visiting others houses. Mine was always a shithole when kids were little, and I got to leave when I'd had enough.

All those that didn't visit before, don't give them a second thought cos once the baby is a few months old, they'll not be visiting then either! Took 2 babies to learn that. 3rd wasn't 'shared' with randoms!

Definitely not selfish. And you can ask your mother in law to not visit as often as it is different relationship than your mum.

Your mum will look after you first and and baby 2nd. And no matter how great your mil is it will be the other way round.

If I could go back I’d have had only immediate family the first 4 weeks as it’s so overwhelming.

And no actually cares about you. They are there for the baby snuggles and don’t come back after.

I'm normally a people pleaser and with me eldest I let people come whenever they asked but when I had my baby 7 months ago I said no to everyone except my mum and partners mum. I felt so much better for it. Also I've been in my house for a good few years and said anyone that needed to ask for the address to see the baby it was a definite no!! People seem to just come out the woodwork for one cuddle with a new baby.
Don't feel bad, think of yourself. You are definitely not selfish

Don’t feel bad about breastfeeding. It’s your house. Let them know and they can leave if they want. Put grandparents to work. Can they meal prep something you can Chuck in microwave later? Give people jobs that come over. Hoover round etc.

can your partner be the gatekeeper and say no thanks to visitors.

this is your special time and you can spend it how you want but just so you know people will drop off shortly when you need some extra help so call them and ask them to come over. They will say no!!

If people turn up unannounced then say you are going for a nap etc as you were up all night.

Not unreasonable at all.
Msg any group chats or the relevant people (or ask your dh to msg MIL and his side) just telling people that it's been lovely seeing everyone so much and you appreciate they all want to visit the baby, but that you need to have a break from visitors for a while because you're exhausted (understandably,) and need to get some rest while the baby does each day as you're not getting enough at night. Make sure to say, "as I'm sure you'll all understand". So that even if they want to object, they're put off hopefully.

It'll start to die off now anyway - all those distant relatives you haven't seen in years have done their duty visits and will disappear again.

Definitely just breastfeed whenever and whenever you want. If visitors aren't comfortable with that then they can leave, not you.

Tell people what you want and need. Tell them clearly and kindly. And if they don't pay attention, or make a fuss, or become passive aggressive, then you know who to avoid for the future.

If a new mother says 'It's been lovely to see you but I need a few quiet days now', anyone who doesn't respect that has revealed themself as an arsehole.

Also: there is no better predictor of a baby's wellbeing than the wellbeing of its mother. You need to look after yourself. Not everyone else. They can look after their own feelings. You need to make things good for you and your baby.

So the whole my mum his mum …. It is very different when you are the daughter of said grandparent let’s be honest your not going to be the same with MIL ad your own mum .

breastfeed where you want when you want as you are caring to the needs of your baby but also wondering if it is making you feel uncomfortable in front of lots of people ? Breastfeeding can be daunting at the start of your journey and takes a good month to get adjusted to it with your preferred hold etc .

Visitors … put a note on the door saying “ so sorry we are not having visitors today mum and baby are resting “ and anyone calling in and texting say sorry not today but I’ll let you know when we are up to it ! If you don’t stop this now you will resent it when baby is older , the early days should be you partner and baby not every long distant cousin and aunt or uncle that you don’t see one year to the next .

finally , 3 weeks in and your feeling bad for saying no or needing to say no … why ? Your body has just been through the most traumatic experience and is nowhere near recovery, if you don’t rest now when you can or sleep when you can you will burn out !

sending positive vibes one mum to another and stay strong and stand your ground … remind your partner if he doesn’t support your wishes that it wasn’t him that just pushed a human out of his body and everything else you have just been through and that if he can’t support you then you know where you stand in the pecking order e.g doesn’t want to upset his mum or family but happy enough to upset you and think that’s ok !

xx

No- you need to set rules and your husband needs to tell your in-laws.

1. Anyone who wants to visit needs to ask and it may or may not be convenient.
2. You will breastfeed as and when you need to in your own home. Anyone uncomfortable can leave.
3. If you want to nap, they need to be quiet.
4. Anyone who comes around should not expect to be "hosted" in any way, and preferably they should help out with chores.

This is YOUR time with your newborn, they don't need to be coming around all the time and they have no rights to make any demands on you.

It's fine to say no if you need to rest! Put visitors off for a few weeks except mum and MIL and don't feel you can't go for a lie down while baby is sleeping, they should be looking after you not the other way round! If they are there, they can help by doing some laundry, cooking and shopping and making drinks and food for you while you're feeding and resting!

This is absolutely fantastic and I strongly recommend doing this. I have 4 children. With my first two, everyone was round in the first week and I felt so overwhelmed! My 3rd baby was during lockdown and honestly the most peaceful I've had it with a newborn because it had to be that way. My youngest I did the same as lockdown. Not everyone rushing round at once it's too much! You are mummy and your word is law. If you just want hubby and your mum then make that so 😘❤️ congratulations with your new little love 💕

I complete agree, despicable behaviour from your visitors.

If no one can put you and your baby first then message out that you are resting and put a sign on the door.

No, it's not selfish to ask them to stay away. This time is the most precious and should be yours to enjoy. However, I would say that anyone being offended by you breastfeeding should leave, quite frankly and I'd be telling them that. Do they want your baby to starve?! I despair in thi day and age but you must stand up for yourself and say no, it's my home, I will feed my baby when and how I want.