I feel pathetic, I'm a grown woman with 4 kids and feel trapped in my 12 year long relationship.
I find it hard to work out how I feel because 30% of the time my partner (we aren't married despite all the children and all the years) can be normal, helpful and I'm still attracted to him. However, the other 70% of the time has become unbearable. It's been a rollercoaster for a while now. I look after our children all on my own, I don't drive and so my partner does the driving (not a huge amount can I add as school and most other commitments are within walking distance so I walk) and he cooks some dinners during the week. He works 2 days a week and we're fortunate enough for him to earn a good amount in those days for us to live off (own company). But that's it.
Our sex life has gone downhill, he sleeps in everyday until 9/10am (not on work days) and when he wakes it's WW3 for absolutely no reason, he expects me to take care of him like I'm his mum and do literally everything for him, the kids and I aren't allowed downstairs or in our own front room nearly every night of the week, he talks down to me and in a patronising tone 99% of the time and is very dictating, he tells me what to do and when to do it (the other day I was told to think of a consequence for myself if I didn't do what he said???), he makes sarcastic comments about my appearance, he does no nappy changes etc, no school runs... It's just awful. We are not a team. There is no romance. It's really sad but lately he has started not to look after himself, so he won't shower for days but still expects me to sleep with him and pleasure him and he is generally hygienically disgusting around me more so than before. Just doing things that aren't acceptable and are gross that nobody should have to put up with. I've told him how this makes me feel and he just laughs. His mental health appears fine (I have seen him in dark days and these aren't them) and I've told him I will support him fully with this. When I look back and think about how I expected a relationship to be growing up - this isn't it. This isn't what I want for me or my kids.
He often accuses me of cheating on no grounds and says if I leave him then he will do everything he can to take the kids from me. I own our house and it's in my name because in the past he has been unfaithful so I could never leave us all in such a vulnerable situation and potentially homeless should he do it again. I do love him but this has been a recurring cycle for years now and despite good communication, nothing is getting better and I feel sad about my life. I feel done.
For some it may seem easy for me to just up and leave but it really isn't and that's why I'm posting here.
Thank you to anyone that can offer me advice. Please no judgement.