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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I dump him over his ex!

6 replies

SillyMauveFawn · 08/10/2024 14:18

Possibly a long one...
With my now boyfriend over two years, both have children from previous marriages.
I'm still living with family, trying to get rid of my house. He rents a room then stays at his mother's the weekend when he has his children as no space in rented accommodation.
So when he split his ex had a partner, moved in with him then they broke up and she was "homeless". She was staying with my partners mum.
She went to the local paper about being homeless and was given accommodation temporarily and has now been given a state home.
The thing is she never has the children, she works a couple of days a week but his mum is doing all the child care. So he pays his mum and her child support. He tried lower the amount and she drove 30mins up and almost knocked the door down and then keyed his car.
I get on with his children and his mum but I just can't wrap my head around this at all, she moaned she had no home for the children but still leaves them with their grandmother who isn't young.
Can I say anything to him, it's really starting to annoy me, I don't know if they are all afraid of her or what.
I suppose it doesn't help , that I myself am struggling to find a place but am doing it all alone with zero help. Also she broke their relationship, she wanted an open marriage.
Please help, I have contemplated walking away but I truly love him and he is my safe space.

OP posts:
PaininthePreferbial · 08/10/2024 14:25

He's not your safe space if you're posting on MN about your relationship Flowers

Beware the man with the crazy/whatever ex. Be aware that all he tells you might not be true, no matter how believable he seems.

DadJoke · 08/10/2024 14:31

Him trying to cut child maintenance.
You finding a place entirely on your own.
You asking permission to speak to him about this.
These are all red flags for your partner.

Do you want to be the next crazy ex?

BobbyBiscuits · 08/10/2024 14:55

I wouldn't rely on another person to be your 'safe space'. You need to find a network of people and your own inner strength to be safe.
There's nothing you can do about this situation. It doesn't do you any good dwelling on it. Plus the fact there's almost undoubtedly more to it than what you think you know/have seen.
Is he trying to involve you in this saga? If so then I'd tell him it's not my business.
He needs to be managing his relationship with his ex for the sake of the kids but is he focussing enough on you and your needs?

SillyMauveFawn · 08/10/2024 15:07

Thanks for your replies, it wasn't child maintenance he was cutting, he was giving her extra to get her on her feet as such, like spousal support as such.
He doesn't really involve me, I'm just super aware of little things. Hes never painted her as the crazy ex, I've just seen her enough to come to that conclusion myself. Like a male counterpart coming and going seeing the kids at her own will. I've seen her children more than her this past year. He is a good soul if anything I do feel he's afraid of her. I come here for answers as I've never been in this situation as my marriage was since I was a teen and it was a domestic violent one at that, in which I fled and have zero contact with my ex

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/10/2024 15:43

"state home"? Where are you from OP?

At any rate
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that

-Warsan Shire, "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love"

SillyMauveFawn · 08/10/2024 15:51

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/10/2024 15:43

"state home"? Where are you from OP?

At any rate
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that

-Warsan Shire, "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love"

From Ireland, the government help those on low incomes and you basically get a "forever" home for less than a mortgage/rent.
I know he won't be my home and I know I'm difficult to love because of my past , hence me questioning everything

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