How do I handle this

[MozzarELLA2024]

I have been married for over 20 years and my DH was my first proper relationship. We have had ups and downs but lately there seem to be more downs.
For background, I am going through a bad
time at the moment. My DM has been ill since the beginning of the year. She is now on palliative care. I am finding this very hard and I am, understandably, anxious. I have spoken to my GP and they want to try talking therapy before medication so I am waiting for that.
DH blows hot and cold, I never know what mood he will be I when he comes home. We have spoken about this many times and it usually ends with me being blamed. I am too sensitive or I have changed since DM became ill.
Last week, he came home quiet and moody so I left him to it. After a couple of days it hadn't improved, so I talked to him about it. His workplace is restructuring and some people on another department are facing redundancy. He said he was having to comfort some of the women who were losing their jobs. He was worried someone would tell me and I would take it the wrong way. He said other people have problems and it is not all about me (I never thought it was).
I have also started a new course through the job centre to try and improve my job prospects. I was made redundant a few years ago and then became a SAHM. He has not been happy about me attending these courses. He said I am in a vulnerable state and he is worried I am not thinking straight and will cheat on him. I have never cheated in my life or given him any reason to doubt me. He told me he has had lots of offers and opportunities to cheat but hasn't but he thinks I wouldn't be able to resist if someone was kind to me.
All this is making me more anxious than what is going on with my DM. There have been other things said but I think I have rambled on for too long. I am in an anxiety fog and not sure what to do.

He sounds like a dick

He may well be projecting his cheating onto you.
He is a horrible person to treat you this way, keeping you in a permanently anxious state.

He's either already cheating physically or emotionally or wants to and is projecting his own low morals onto you.

He sounds like a spoiled child throwing his toys out the pram because you're not giving him enough attention now your mother is dying.

He's a pathetic and thoroughly selfish piece of shit.

A decent partner would not be punishing you for being less available to them, but would be understanding and supportive of you through such a difficult time.

For whatever reason you are being controlled.

i couldn’t just read this and run.

I am so sorry you are going through this as it is hard to see a parent decline like this as you are expecting the worst at any moment. I can imagine you being very up and down emotionally which is normal.

I really don’t trust what your DH is saying tbh. He’s doubting your fidelity with no good reason on one hand. On the other he’s saying he’s comforting people at work ( mostly women I’m guessing) and he’s telling you in case someone tells you ..: if this was innocent then why would people be raising a concern with you? Sorry, I know this is prob not what you want to hear right now x

Lots of red flags with this man,he's "comforting women at work " and worried you will take it the wrong way ? Then he's worried your going to have an affair at your job centre course? It's projection,he's basically telling you what's going on in his mind and twisting it round on you.I think if you were to dig a bit deeper into what's going on with him and his work mates you may find the answer.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

This has been hard to read. What he was telling me just didn't sit right but I am not really thinking straight.
Everybody tells me I am so lucky to have him. He will help anybody out, male or female so I keep telling myself I am overthinking.

It's a funny (not) thing that a person who is cheating will very VERY often accuse their spouse of doing it or being liable to, cheat.

Sorry but taking in all you've said I think he is cheating.

You've got a load on your plate already so push this to a back burner and concentrate on keeping yourself well. Emotionally detach from him if you can.

Be selfish and put yourself first and foremost. Let him wonder for a change. Spend as much time as you want with DM. Go for nice walks and/or a meal alone or with a friend to recharge.

You're not lucky to have him - you're walking on eggshells, he's trying to trap you into staying a SAHM, he's saying you would cheat. And why would someone at work tell you about him comforting women? I wonder what sort of comfort he's offering.

Oh and use those new skills to get a job

I know some of the people he works with. I asked him what the 'comforting' involved.He said he was giving them a hug as they were upset. I asked him if this was in public or in his office. He said it was in public as he wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea.

Another way to look at this is why is he allowed to comfort people but you need to report back on the minutia of your day?

And this: Last week, he came home quiet and moody so I left him to it. After a couple of days it hadn't improved, so I talked to him about it. His workplace is restructuring and some people on another department are facing redundancy. He said he was having to comfort some of the women who were losing their jobs. He was worried someone would tell me and I would take it the wrong way. He said other people have problems and it is not all about me (I never thought it was).

As for wondering if you would take it the wrong way. I think he might be telling on himself.

His manufactured mood that he had for days. Because heaven forbid you show an emotion or talk about what he's been up too.

It's gaslighting and manipulation. You have had 20 years to normalise this behaviour.

This is a lot to take in.

I have felt that I have been gaslit at times, so I started to write a diary to get my thoughts straight. He sometimes denies saying something that I know he has.