OLD date/parenting access. Does this add up to you?

[wherethehouseplantscometodie]

Have been dipping my toe back into the online dating world lately... lots of fish that have been thrown back and nobody I have felt like I've wanted to meet besides one guy who I have been chatting to for a couple of weeks.

We are due to meet this week for coffee but something is niggling at me.

Initially when we spoke he alluded to the fact he only sees his little boy at the weekends due to issues with his ex-wife, he has alluded to the fact she was quite abusive and difficult towards him hence him leaving 2 years ago, and said he'd explain more when we met.

I had taken this to mean he has his little boy Friday-Monday on weekends but this weekend it transpires he only has him on a Saturday night.

I guess for me this is somewhat triggering because my ex-DH is useless when it comes to contact with our DCs and I feel that the optimum should be 50/50 (though I accept that's not always possible in all scenarios!)

When I asked him why he doesn't see the little boy more during the week he said its because his Mum receives carers allowance and DLA for the little boy, and he also pays her CM and if he saw the little boy more this would reduce and they're working through the financial settlement now. (Little boy has autism but from what he says is perfectly happy when in Dads care). My understanding of DLA is that it would continue to be paid to primary carer (in this case Mum) irrespective of if he spent an extra night or so a week with Dad? And with the child maintenance, surely he would continue to pay as agreed just so he could see his child more?

I know that it's early doors and none of this is really my business at this stage, but knowing how my ex portrays things (saying I withhold contact when in truth I have begged him to see our DCs more at times) I guess I am concerned.

Any thoughts?

Sounds fishy to me. If it was me I’d be wanting as much time as possible with my children regardless of money. DLA would still be paid to the mother as she is the resident parent and his carer. DLA has nothing to do with it. I am also very wary of men who paint their ex as crazy and/or abusive because it’s usually the other way around. Rightly or wrongly, most men who have been abused tend not to broadcast it to relative strangers right off the bat. You say you’ve been talking for 2 weeks. Is there any chance that you like this guy because he’s actually been love bombing you over these 2 weeks? Saying all the right things to you? You say you’ve had issues with your own ex and this is triggering for you. Perhaps you should listen to your instincts on this one. Ask him some uncomfortable questions about his ex and see if he paints her as a complete monster and him the poor victim. It sounds like he does the bare minimum for his child who has asn. That is not a man I would find appealing.

Thanks for your reply @TipsyJoker this is also my concern. I cannot tell you how many men I've spoken to in OLD who have all said how awful their ex was and all have said "will explain more when we meet"

Even if that part is genuine, it's the contact with the child that concerns me. I asked if he has any contact (phone calls etc) with his child during the week and he said his wife doesn't allow it.

From my point of view, if it meant seeing my child more I wouldn't give a toss about having to proportion the DLA- surely it just goes towards the child's care anyway, and I know a lot of parents pop it into a savings account for future care needs/adaptions etc...

Two posts now, same writing style ' to the fact' used multiple times in each OP. Similar subjects. I'm not going to waste my time.

This is the first post I've written about this @Opentooffers ?

I've just seen the other thread you're probably referring to @Opentooffers - very similar, but that's not me posting.

Meet him in person and see what he has to say. You'll soon work out if he's a wrong 'un.

The DLA would go in its entirety to the resident parent, therefore the mum. Even if he saw the child from Friday till Monday, he would still technically be the non resident parent because the mum would have the child 4 nights a week and him 3. The DLA would go to the mum because she would have the majority care and the fact that she is registered as the child’s carer. It sounds like made up nonsense to me to paint him in as positive a light as possible. If it was me, I wouldn’t be letting my ex dictate how often I could see or contact my child. I’d be going to court to get contact increased. So either he’s talking crap and doesn’t want more contact, doesn’t care enough to pursue further contact or has been to court and given limited contact because he’s not deemed suitable to have any more contact than he does at present. Whichever it is, it’s not good and I wouldn’t want to be involved with a man like that.