Adult sibling at home

[Floradon]

Grateful for advice.

I’m getting quite concerned about my adult sister’s dependency on my parents and it feels to me it has put them in a very difficult position.

Sister is in her 40s. She has a toddler. She never had a job until around 5 years ago. She never moved out of my parents home. All out of choice (she has no health problems or anything). The child does not have a dad.

Parents are retired, on modest pensions, in their 70s.

My parents do a lot of the childcare. They don’t ‘babysit’ - they are basically co-parents. When the child was born they were doing night shifts so suffered the whole newborn sleepless nights. Child is in preschool for two days a week now, but otherwise it’s very full on at home. Sister works part time now. Parents do all the cooking, cleaning and general running of the house.

My parents pay all the bills, food shopping etc. Sister will buy clothes and toys for her child but parents buy all the basics. She doesn’t pay them rent or anything.

My parents are exhausted. They have aged rapidly in the last couple of years. They are also not financially well off and make comments about how they would like to do something, but can’t afford to.

They have said to me they want independence and my sister to move out. They have offered to help her to so. But she has it too good at the moment with very little to worry about financially or practically. She can afford luxuries - like nice clothes, hair and beauty treatments, because she doesn’t have to pay any bills. She can also go out whenever she wants as she can leave child with grandparents.

Basically my sister living with them places a massive pressure on them, and I’m not sure where it will end. My parents are suffering financially and physically from it.

Part of me thinks it’s for my parents to manage their relationship with their daughter, but because they have complained to me I think about whether they are unable to be direct with her. Either them or I approaching my sister would be challenging as she will not take any criticism well and it would be tricky to discuss without falling out.

What does everyone think? What would you do?

Well clearly what your parents should do is sit your sister down and have a long and frank conversation about what help they want to provide, what they are currently doing and how to get from where you are now to where they want to be.

But I suspect their reticence may be due to a worry about how sister will react - is she the type of person who's likely to get melodramatic and make wild proclamations like never letting them see their grandchild again?

Unfortunatley, I think for their own sanity they need to go with the first approach. How your sister reacts is not down to them. If they don't start setting boundaries now, it won't get any better in the future.

OP should stay well out of it.

It sounds as if your parents need to sell their home and downsize to a one bedroom bungalow . That’s easy for them to run and is affordable.
Talk with them , see if this is what they want . If you are all on the same page support them when they tell your sister.
Shes a grown up that’s being allowed to act like a spoilt brat .
It won’t be easy as she will view your parents home as HER own rightful inheritance.

Your sister thinks this will continue forever. But I bet she hasn't thought that as they become more frail she'll have to step up because she won't. They are ruining their lives to keep her happy.

My bf has a relative still living at home at 45 paying nominal rent. When they had a crisis he didn't help at all. He sees himself as the one needing help all the time. We've tried to encourage them to get him to leave but it won't happen. Soon they will be living in an entirely unsuitable house for the purpose of housing him.

Given that your parents have already indicated to your sister that they want her to move out, I think it's fine to have a more direct conversation about it with her. She obviously needs it pointing out to her and you could start that conversation if they feel unable to for some reason? I expect she doesn't want to move out as that would mean her having to step up considerably and work a lot more hours, but it's not a reason for her to stay at home.

This hasn’t just happened, they’ve played a big part in her dependence and entitled attitude.

It’s not very fair to complain to you while they continue to make her life so easy, what do they want you to do? It’s also not fair if they expect you to play any part in telling her the gravy train is over.

I agree they need to downsize so they can kick her out and future proof for themselves. Is that something they want to do? I’d validate their feelings that change is due and help them with practical things like house hunting etc but don’t talk to her yourself, that wouldn’t end well.