Am I wasting my time??

[Aquariusgirl88]

I've been with my partner 7 years ish, we don't live together and see each other 2/3 times a week.
I have 2 girls from my previous marriage and he is good with them... When he sees them.
For years ive been saying/ thinking our relationship should move to the next level like living together. I own my own home and he rents, he will not move into my house as he doesn't like the area (there's nothing wrong with it) and there isn't a separate space for an office. He has recently reluctantly agreed we can start looking for something together but it will be me putting all the deposit it and him with a list a specific of what the criteria needs to be!
I'm nervous to sell up and buy when we've never lived together especially with the children involved.
Am I being stupid? Should I continue with this relationship?
I do love him and we do have a good relationship in a superficial kinda way, it never goes very deep. He is the sort of person who likes his own space and I just worry how he'll cope in a busy house 24/7.
He's currently not involved in the day to day running of house or family life and I just worry this will be to much.
So confused what I should do 😭

He doesn't want to do this, if he did, he'd be keen.

Please do not uproot your children and sink money into a deposit for someone who isn't even really on board with the idea. Your house is your security, please put your children first.

Why can't you carry on as you are? Definitely don't move in together. He's telling you he doesn't want to live together and you are forcing it. When it goes wrong (which it will), the blame will be landed squarely at your feet for pushing it.

As the saying goes "If he wanted to, he would". He doesn't but you are forcing his hand. Carry on as you are and keep yourself and your girls happy and secure, or end the relationship if you really want to look for a live in partner.

Personally I'm very happy with living separately seeing each other a few times a week whilst we've both got kids at home. I shudder when I read about blended families which sound like hell, dealing with ex's, money, different standards of housework and childcare arrangements.

Definitely don't do this. My friend was in a similar situation, she put down the entire deposit and just over a year later they have split up and selling the house, and the money will be getting split 50/50 despite him not putting in a penny!! He had promised he would never do this and now she's left with her child in a way worse situation than she was in before. Unless he could match your deposit I wouldn't give it a second thought. Also I'm assuming you need to stay in the same area he doesn't like to avoid moving your children's schools etc? So he will have to compromise if he's keen to become part of your family.

If you insist on doing this OP, then please speak to a solicitor about ring-fencing your deposit. Someone with more knowledge may be able to advise on your thread, but I think there are legal documents that can be drawn up to safeguard yourself financially.

That said, I would not move in with him. He isn't keen and you've spotted the red flags. You will most likely regret it - plus you'll then have another upheaval to deal with when it all falls apart.

Given your opening post, jumping straight into buying somewhere together seems really, really high risk. You'd have a better idea if you'd had a test run - it's a shame he won't move into yours, as this could be a temporary situation to see how you all find living together and would be far less upheaval for your children if it doesn't work.

He does not want to do this at all and is showing you both through word
and deed. Certainly do not sell up and throw in your lot with this man, you'd be mad to do so.

I would also end the relationship as its really going nowhere even after seven years together.

It sounds like you are pushing him OP into a living arrangement he doesn’t really want.
A reluctant partner is not a solid foundation for a relationship especially when you have children.
Think of them before you throw away their financial future.

This.

Why do you want to live together? Is it just because you think you ‘should’?

It sounds like a terrible idea, you will loose out financially, he hasn't spent enough time with your kids and may resent them, try to parent because he's another adult in the house. He has a set of criteria, etc. he's not bothered, if the relationship is superficial then call it a day. You're allowed to admit he's not enough and forcing him into a situation he's not happy with is going to make everyone miserable in the end.

@Aquariusgirl88 "reluctantly" gives you your answer!! wasting your time. you are more invested than he is! dont do it.

I was going to say exactly this.

Sounds like a bad idea. Don't uproot your kids for this man he doesn't sound worth it

He doesn't want to live with you. He is very demanding about the situation he lives in even though you would be the one putting up the money.

There is no way your children would be happy living with him. Whywould they? They don't know him. He doesn't care for them.

Financially you would lose everything and you would be very unhappy.

Like @FatLarrysBanned, I'm in a similar situation and I actively don't want to move in and blend families.

Is there a reason why you can't wait until the kids are older/left home and just continue as you are? Does it have to be the binary of move in together or end the relationship? In someways it's a positive situation - you're financially stronger as a homeowner and he's happy to keep paying his rent and living separately. You have the exact opposite of the mumsnet cocklodger!

Nope, don't do it. Why would you give up your security for a bloke that quite clearly doesn't want to take the next step? Cut your losses and find someone who will cherish you enough to want to live with you and all that that entails.

Why change things? It seems fine as it is. You see each other quite regularly. Keep your own space. A relationship doesn't have to "go" anywhere via the classic route of sharing space. Your children need to come first. Perhaps once they are much older or have left home you could reassess things, but don't do this to them!!!

Why do you want to live together?
Sounds like he doesn't actually want to but you're putting pressure on him.
Living together is not an automatic progression. You can live apart.
But if you really want to live with a partner maybe find someone who wants that too?

There is no “next step” in terms of marriage/living together/living separately. You’re both individuals so do what’s right for your relationship and stop comparing to others. It doesn’t mean you’re any less committed to each other.

Marriages end. Couples living together split up. Blended families can be a nightmare.
A lot of people on relationships would love what you both have but it’s unattainable due to costs or logistics.

Whatever you do, do not sell up to live with him and put your children’s needs first.

I agree. This is rarely to the benefit of the children in either relationship. I say this as a single parent.

You're just dating. For 7 years. If you want a permanent relationship this isn't the one.

I know everything everyone is saying is right and I know what I would be saying to someone else in this situation but I guess I just hoped over time things would change, move forward.
It seems such a waste to end the relationship after all this time but it's like it's moving in slow motion. I'm nearly 40 and don't want this 50/50 life anymore

Am I being stupid? Should I continue with this relationship?

'Yes' and 'no' in that order.

You are behaving as though you are desperate to live with this man and he is clearly reluctant. Why do this to yourself??

You can have a relationship without living together.

I suppose you need to make a decision on what you want, if you want to make a home with a partner then I don't think this is the relationship for you. If you really love this guy then you need to accept that living apart is the way it will go for now.

You're flogging a dead horse.

Don't move the horse and subject your children to this.

You can do so much better.

I’m quoting the post above because it deserves to be read twice. Actually, just keep reading till it sinks in.