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Original poster

Is he just not that interested?

27 replies

Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 05:22

I’ve been on 4 dates with a guy over the last 2 weeks, date 1 was cocktails where he quickly asked me on a 2nd date before the date had finished, 2nd date was out for lunch a couple of days later, 3rd date I suggested a dog walk and 4th was another dog walk at the beach near his home. 4th date went well, he invited me back to his for coffee and we kissed…quite a lot! Texting had slowed down slightly, he is still initiating texts and last night called me and chatted with me for around an hour, we get on well and there is chemistry there. That was Saturday and he hasn’t asked to meet up again. I knew he had a big work thing yesterday, so thought maybe he was pre occupied with that and needed to get that out of the way first. He called me after his work thing to tell me all about it.
I like a guy to ask me on the next date, is he just not that into me? Do I ask him out on date 5 or just wait, as really it hasn’t been that long.
I’m slightly confused, I really like him and I’m used to guys asking me for the next date. I don’t want to come across as needy.
How do I go forward with this, any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 08/10/2024 05:43

Rip.off the plaster and ask him. Then you know and can move on or move forward. Good luck,sounds promising!

Original poster
Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 05:59

Maybe I’ll brave it and ask him if he’d like to go on another date this week…nervous about it!
The last few guys I’ve dated have lovebombed me slightly, so I’m not used to this playing it cool thing. Think I even had one tell me he loved me on the 4th date 😐
He’s really opened up about his life to me and things he’s been through but has also been quite shy, in other ways. He held my hand on a dog walk but asked if it was ok first, which was sweet.

OP posts:
Queenofheart · 08/10/2024 06:03

If he’s initiating texts, are you not? He may think you’re not interested.

he sounds like he’s keeping in contact but it’s slowed down whilst he’s been busy.

I’d maybe text him and say something like, hope things have calmed down a bit for you now your event is out of the way, let me know if you want to meet up again, then leave the ball in his court.

if you’re new to dating, I’d recommend reading The Rules, got some great tips in there!

Heavier · 08/10/2024 07:14

You need to do some of the work otherwise he’s left wondering how interested you are. Ask him for another date. If he’s not keen at least you know where you stand.

IlooklikeNigella · 08/10/2024 07:29

Queenofheart · 08/10/2024 06:03

If he’s initiating texts, are you not? He may think you’re not interested.

he sounds like he’s keeping in contact but it’s slowed down whilst he’s been busy.

I’d maybe text him and say something like, hope things have calmed down a bit for you now your event is out of the way, let me know if you want to meet up again, then leave the ball in his court.

if you’re new to dating, I’d recommend reading The Rules, got some great tips in there!

All of this. I'm a fan of letting them do nearly all of the running in the early days but you need to let them know it's welcome.

TwistedWonder · 08/10/2024 07:33

Heavier · 08/10/2024 07:14

You need to do some of the work otherwise he’s left wondering how interested you are. Ask him for another date. If he’s not keen at least you know where you stand.

Agree with this. Your OP reads like he’s done most of the running which you like and that’s a positive but after a few dates it’s good to match energy and show him you’re as keen as him so asking him to meet up again would be the logical next step to me.

Original poster
Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 07:56

I did suggest the 3rd date, and when I suggested a day in the week or at the weekend, he suggested let’s do both…so we did!
His messages were also very flirty at first but since the 4th date, his flirtiness has died down a little. I do know he likes it when someone makes the effort, he’s told me…maybe I should listen to that and ask him when he’s free next.
I did initiate the first text this morning, we’ve had a little back and forth already this morning, I’ll ask after he messages back today…I really hope he says yes, I’m nervous and don’t like putting myself out there in that way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 07:59

I braved it and asked…the waiting for a reply is nerve racking!!x

OP posts:
Clockoff · 08/10/2024 09:08

If you’re having to ask then it’s a massive red flag and you know the answer. Even if he uses some sort of word salad when a guy is interested you know.
I would advise never to ask and go with actions and your gut feeling

Original poster
Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 20:22

So I did ask…he replied pretty quick and said he was free Thursday lunchtime, I suggested lunch out and there has been no reply since, So I’ll take that as a no, not interested! It’s obviously not meant to be.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 08/10/2024 20:38

When was the last message OP? Give him a bit more time before writing him off but at least you’ve asked now and you’ll know one way or the other

Popebendydick · 08/10/2024 20:41

Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 20:22

So I did ask…he replied pretty quick and said he was free Thursday lunchtime, I suggested lunch out and there has been no reply since, So I’ll take that as a no, not interested! It’s obviously not meant to be.

Give him a chance to respond, he said he was free Thursday, why would he say that if he didn’t want to go out

OhHaiOwlInYourTowel · 08/10/2024 20:42

Trust me, you know when a man is interested and you know when that interest is waning. People may try and tell you he's shy / wants you to make effort etc etc but really, it's all noise. If he was keen, you'd be in no doubt

And you are in doubt. You've noticed him cooling slightly and pulling back. Take it for the sign it is and move on to the next

Because even if he meets you for lunch, the whole cycle will just begin again

Throw this one back in the pond

Popebendydick · 08/10/2024 20:45

OhHaiOwlInYourTowel · 08/10/2024 20:42

Trust me, you know when a man is interested and you know when that interest is waning. People may try and tell you he's shy / wants you to make effort etc etc but really, it's all noise. If he was keen, you'd be in no doubt

And you are in doubt. You've noticed him cooling slightly and pulling back. Take it for the sign it is and move on to the next

Because even if he meets you for lunch, the whole cycle will just begin again

Throw this one back in the pond

Everyone is different though, and she clearly overthinks because he said he was free Thursday, she suggested a place to go, and because he didn’t immediately reply she now thinks he doesn’t want to go out Thursday. Doesn’t that strike you as a bit of an overthink? People get busy, interest naturally settles into something more comfortable. Is she matching his flirty behaviour? If he has dialled it back it could be for various reasons, not just a lack of interest

Original poster
Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 21:31

He messaged this evening to say he couldn’t see it going anywhere, which is cool. I feel a lot better knowing than wondering.

I shouldn’t have second guessed myself, I knew his interest was waning. I know how a guy acts when he’s interested, now I just a feel an idiot for putting myself out there.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 08/10/2024 21:33

You’re not an idiot at all. You asked a question and got your answer rather than him stringing you along and possibly ghosting.

Fortune favours the brave as they say.

Viviennemary · 08/10/2024 21:34

Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 21:31

He messaged this evening to say he couldn’t see it going anywhere, which is cool. I feel a lot better knowing than wondering.

I shouldn’t have second guessed myself, I knew his interest was waning. I know how a guy acts when he’s interested, now I just a feel an idiot for putting myself out there.

That's miserable if you liked him. The whole dating business can be grim.

OhHaiOwlInYourTowel · 08/10/2024 23:53

@Popebendydick no it didn't strike me as an overthink. It struck me as a man who's interest was on the wane and turns out that that was correct as it often is in these cases

Sorry to hear this OP but better to know now and onwards and upwards

H112 · 09/10/2024 00:50

Is he disappointed no sex on fourth date?

I knew my fella liked me from day one and nearly a year later he still replies ASAP to me 😂

If he liked you you'd know. Don't settle. I finally didn't and got the man of my dreams xx

Kat888 · 09/10/2024 08:59

I agree with the above poster. I'm very cynical but it's strange how it happened after the 4th date after you being at his house. If so bullet dodged because it looks like that's all he was looking for anyway. His loss I say.

TwistedWonder · 09/10/2024 09:02

Reading your updates OP it does make me wonder if he wanted more on the 4th date and because he didn’t get sex he’s lost interest?

You did right thing 100% - you asked a straight question and got your answer even if it wasn’t the one you wanted.

Good luck moving forward - there’s better fish out there

Popebendydick · 09/10/2024 09:28

Yeah it sounds like he didn’t fancy another lunch out, but was hoping for a more intimate date? Either way, at least it’s happened at the fourth date rather than a year in. His loss hey x

raydavis · 09/10/2024 09:45

Californiadream456 · 08/10/2024 21:31

He messaged this evening to say he couldn’t see it going anywhere, which is cool. I feel a lot better knowing than wondering.

I shouldn’t have second guessed myself, I knew his interest was waning. I know how a guy acts when he’s interested, now I just a feel an idiot for putting myself out there.

You're not an idiot at all. I was actually reading your post and was surprised at the amount of contact and effort he was making, particularly hour long phone calls since last date.

I was thinking he was maybe unsure if you liked him.

Men.....who knows??!

aCatCalledFawkes · 09/10/2024 10:07

Your not an idiot at all. If you hadn't of asked you would always of been wondering what the answer was.

Don't overthink think his response to much. At least you know and you can move on from it. Who knows what he wanted but at least he has been straight with you which is what you need to hear.

The only thing I would add is that next time you also need to be the one suggesting dates and doing some of the chasing. I would of really left you hanging if you hadn't of asked.

smallsilvercloud · 09/10/2024 11:40

At least you know!
Your hunch is normally right, when the communication drops off, they aren't interested.
A lot of them are eager until they don't get a shag easily, it's too much hard work for them to keep going on dates.