Am I wrong for wanting to distance myself from a 20-year friendship that’s becoming toxic?

[LoftyZebra]

I have a friend who got married four years ago and had a child two years ago. We’ve known each other for over 20 years, but now we barely have anything in common. Since she got married, she seems to have lost her sense of self, but I used to trust her and thought she’d be someone I could still talk to.

I recently went through a heartbreaking breakup, and I expected her to be supportive and reassure me that I’d find someone better. Instead, she blamed me for wanting a relationship and told me I didn’t need any new friends because I had her and my cousin, who doesn’t even live in this country. She also said that all men would just use me, which feels hypocritical, considering she came out of a long, abusive relationship and quickly remarried within a year.

Lately, having a meaningful conversation with her is frustrating. Every time I try to discuss other topics or world events, she brings everything back to her husband, her child, or her new religion, Jehovah’s Witness, which she converted to after getting married. It’s draining and annoying, and honestly, it was the final straw for me. When I told her I was planning to meet new people, she questioned why I needed new friends, as if I should just stick with her and my cousin. But I’m an extrovert who enjoys making new friends, and I miss that part of my life.

Her mindset has been really messing with me, and she’s starting to remind me of my narcissistic mother. She doesn’t work and stays home with her child, and I’ve noticed that she’s been sharing my private conversations with her husband. When I visit, he often brings up things I’ve told her in confidence, as if he and I had discussed them directly, which is completely inappropriate. Whenever I bring up real topics, she’s dismissive and uses her religious beliefs as an excuse to ignore them.

I don’t want to be friends with someone who only cares about their family and expects me not to have my own social circle. Am I wrong for wanting to cut down on communication with her? I feel like she’s becoming judgmental and it’s affecting me mentally. I’m starting to feel like I’m losing myself because of her behavior.

Fade her out without a moment of doubt.

🤣🤣 The way how I LOL’d! I have it’s been a week now since Ive spoken to her and I honestly
feel so much better and like myself again without second guessing myself, I kinda felt crappy about it but…. The way how I feel said otherwise 🥴 like the clouds have been removed.

It sounds as though she isn’t in a good place and because she isn’t admitting it to herself or you, she’ll only drag you down. You need to distance yourself from her and meet new people.

Cut her out

It’s very sad but you definitely need to end it for the moment op. She isn’t able to be a friend to you right now and she has lost sight of what a friend is!

I think a twenty year friendship deserves some explanation if you are going to end it though.

I would not normally advise writing a letter but in this instance it might be the right thing as she is hardly receptive to conversation atm.

I would keep it brief and refer to what great times you had in the past but that now you feel your lives are going in such different directions that true friendship is not possible between you currently. But put in a sentence saying that if she ever needs help in the future, to get in touch. She may come back to you when her marriage proves too difficult.

Take care op and I hope you can move on and put your time, focus and energy in to new friendships that are fulfilling and kind.

Another change in life, fade her out, but be kind and then you'll have no regrets.

This was so beautiful! Thank you! This is how I would want to approach it without getting into too much of a conversation about it. Thank you thank you. Appreciate you.