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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend messaging ex

12 replies

rosesl · 07/10/2024 18:56

Name change for this but my boyfriend of 2 years let's call him James. We don't live together officially but he spends a lot of time at my house. On the face of things we get on a great.
Anyway a random woman has viewed my IG stories so I messaged her asking if I knew her and her response was 'no, just been nosey! James keeps messaging me and I was trying to work out if you had split up or if he was still a d*'
So I've asked James and he's denied it, said she's jealous ex.
I messaged her back and this lady has then forwarded me these messages which are off him. The first time it was late, I assume he was drunk and he was asking how she was, she didn't reply. The next time she responded and he asked to meet her the next day, she didn't respond again. He's messaged her a further 2 times - both times he's deleted the messages so not sure what they said and she said they were deleted before she saw them too. This is on what's app so you can see if someone has deleted a message.
I'm sure they've all been sent when he's drunk.
I've spoken to him again and said I've seen the messages and he has admitted messaging her drunk but doesn't know why. Not interested in seeing her etc.

I've asked how he knows here and he said he dated her for a few months around 5 years ago and then again for a few months shortly before we got together which incidentally she is saying there is a cross over. He's saying it didn't work out as she lived too far away (about 30 minute drive).

I'm so angry and hurt by his actions. Is there any excuse for this?

For context this is a man in his early 40's with 2 kids! Do they ever grow up?

OP posts:
solice84 · 07/10/2024 18:59

No excuse
He's trying to to cheat on you
And he will

SauviGone · 07/10/2024 19:02

If she was up for it, he’d be cheating on you with her now.

We don't live together officially but he spends a lot of time at my house

Usually means - he eats your food, uses your utilities, sex on tap, but doesn’t contribute a penny.

smallsilvercloud · 07/10/2024 19:05

There's no excuse, he would already cheated if she'd met up with him, she's done you a favour, don't wait around to find out about a next time which probably be that he has cheated.

DeliciousApples · 07/10/2024 19:06

She doesn't seem to want to do the dirty on you however if she's interested in him if he's single then it sounds like she wants him back.

I think I'd be happy to oblige.
Drunk texting her when he should be drunk reacting you isn't acceptable. He's not that into you. Sorry. Dump and move the cocklodger on.

If you follow her posts in a couple of weeks time he'll be in them.....

rosesl · 07/10/2024 19:07

Yes I appreciate it's not her fault.
He is very generous with money but prior to our relationship was living at his parents with his children there half the time so he has no expenses and is a high earner

OP posts:
rosesl · 07/10/2024 19:09

I guess what hurts is he's drunk messaging her not me. He hasn't seen her for 2 years and still thinks about her when he's drunk.
It appears he's messaged both her phone and her work phone to get in touch too

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 07/10/2024 19:12

rosesl · 07/10/2024 19:07

Yes I appreciate it's not her fault.
He is very generous with money but prior to our relationship was living at his parents with his children there half the time so he has no expenses and is a high earner

Does he contribute to your household expenses? Do his children come to/stay at yours?

As others have said if she’d have been up for it he’d have shagged her and cheated on you. And unfortunately she might not be the only one he’s messaging. You only found out because she was honest with you

Nicebloomers · 07/10/2024 19:16

He’s fishing for some side action. She might not be the only one too. It’s a shame but I’d throw him back. Sorry he’s a disappointment

perpetualnothingness · 07/10/2024 19:16

Sadly, quite an amount of men are just like this. Even if they’ve got an amazing GF or wife their minds wander to wanting ‘different’ as soon as the frontal lobe disengages under the influence of alcohol.

Always fishing for one they’ve caught before or after a new nibble.

put him in the bin. At 40+ years old this is entrenched behaviour. He can’t change. Everytime he picks up a drink he will pick up his phone for a fishing expedition.

There ARE decent men out there who will call YOU or text YOU when they are drunk because they feel very loved/lusted up and emotionally expressive about the person they are actually with. He isn’t one of them by the sound of it.

rosesl · 07/10/2024 19:22

Thanks guys, it's just so disappointing. I never thought he'd be like this. We have a healthy sex life but he's not the type to come home from a night out and want sex, well not with me anyway.

He contributes towards food and pays for holidays etc. his children stay at my house regularly

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 07/10/2024 19:25

That’d be the end of it for me. I can’t abide dishonesty in a partner.

rosesl · 07/10/2024 20:43

I just can't believe he's done this. Our girls are all so close they will be heart broken.

OP posts:
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