Grandmother overstepping/underminding parenting process?

[Puddingsandpilates]

My partner is having a bit of a tricky time with a dynamic between his son aged 9 and the boys grandmother.

The boy likes it at his grandmother's house because every demand he has is catered to.

The palava is that the grandmother (when my partner has his son) will say to bring the boy around, then she'll say that she is getting tired and would like to see the boy less - she tended to ask for him once a week - so my partner won't take him round but when she speaks to the son's mum she will then say he can come round whenever he wants which the boy overhears.

Furtger to this, the boy has recently developed a behavior style whereby he will demand to be taken to his grandmother house and if he is told no he will escalate to throwing small furniture and physically lashing out at his father by kicking, spitting, scratching and punching.

The boy's mother has a permissive parenting style along with the boy's grandmother (my partners mum) and my partner is firm but fair.

My partner has spoken to both ladies and mainly his mum (the boys grandmother) to try and get her to flip flop less however they don't see any problem, overlook the boys behaviour and the grandmother will undermind the dad parenting around his son.

I personally had a disciplined upbringing and have no experience balancing opposing parenting styles across generations so don't know what to advise.

For context they split up amicable when the boy was young and the boy isn't on the spectrum.

An older friend of his family who studied psychology to a high level said that the grandmother is projecting the anger she felt from the break up of her own relationship to his dad onto him/my partner (her son) by causing this cufuffle but I don't know about any of that.

Has anyone experienced this dynamic and have helpful guidance/advice on how to resolve it please?

It isn't really your place to deal with it but it sounds very much, to me, that he acts like this because he gets his own way

Rinse and repeat

Your partner needs to set firm boundaries and then stick to them

The problem isn’t the grandmother it’s your partner. It’s easier for him to take son to hers instead of parenting him himself and so that’s what he does. she’s probably undermining his parenting because he isn’t doing much

Stay out of it. He can ask for his own advice about "the boy."

An older friend of his family who studied psychology to a high level said that the grandmother is projecting the anger she felt from the break up of her own relationship to his dad onto him/my partner (her son) by causing this cufuffle but I don't know about any of that.

Snort.

No. Actually. He has his son twice during the week and the whole weekend - he is an active parent. Christ alive lady.

Christ alive. Who are you to tell me to stay out of it. Snort less perhaps!

Who are you to get involved with this 'boy' and his relationship with his family member? If his mother and father are okay with it then stay out of it. If they aren't ok with it then let them deal with it. And if you must ask for advice don't bite everyone's head off when they try and give you what you are asking for.

Sorry ds it's our time together.. Maybe dm can take you to dgm next week?

Is everyone responding to my post unhinged?

I'll be deleting this post. Utterly ridiculous and useless comments. As if anyone is going to turn a blind eye to what's going on with a child in their own household unit. Not a braincell between the lot of you that responded. And just so everyone is clear I will say do and respond as I like. Dimwits

Does 'the boy' fling small furniture around at school, physically lash out at his teachers/classmates by kicking, spitting, scratching and punching?

Thought not.

I think that you are trying to project your DP poor parenting on to the females in the family rather than admit his own discipline approach is out of control.

Your partner can't change the way his mum or ex handle the son unless they're also keen to co-operate with a consistent co-parenting strategy. Which doesn't sound like it's going to happen.

Basically he has to parent as he sees fit in his contact time and, in his house, it's his rules.

He can't dictate how the ex parents though, so he has to let that bit go. (As do you).

He can put in boundaries with his mum and not have her as involved if she undermines him.

To be honest I’m a bit confused as to what the issue is. I used to love going to my Grandmother’s as she spoiled me and I was indulged more than I would have been at home. I understood thought that she wasn’t my parent and it never interfered with me knowing how to behave and what to expect at home. I also knew if I was rude or misbehaved when there id be told off at home or told I wouldn’t be allowed back.

it sounds like your DH isn’t making the expectations clear or following through if he misbehaves. He can have a lovely time with granny at the same time as knowing what his dad expects of him and what will happen if he doesn’t meet those expectations. Going to granny’s is a treat which is removed if he is poorly behaved.

your DH could try ‘DS, your are going to granny’s on Friday evening for tea. I expect you to behave like XYZ otherwise you won’t be able to go’ and stick to it. Granny can tell him what she likes but dad gets to decide.

Snort.

But 'the boy' isnt behaving in his own home with the OPs BF.....maybe he is fine at his ex's and the DGM .... we only have the BFs word (finger pointing) for it?

Sounds like a messy set up OP - do you have DCs yourself? Is this a family system you want to be drawn in to - because thats what it looks like your BF has done - why are you - and not him seeking parenting advice?