Help me say no

[TheWomanWithTheStick]

I'm drowning in a failed marriage and just need to say no to the latest from H. I want a divorce, and have got as far as telling him we have no relationship as a husband and wife, and that such a relationship will never ever be coming back. In my mind I've already separated and am imagining moving on, but H does not seem to be anywhere near the same page. Apart from him searching online for prostitutes, but that's another matter. To cut a long story short, today he has asked me to book a week off in August next year so we can all go to New York. It has been a dream of his for years to go, I've never wanted to, and now it is most definitely the last thing I want. I feel absolutely sick. How do I find the strength to say no?

What is making you afraid to say no? What do you think will happen?

I ask because knowing what is making you scared to say no will help people give you the most useful advice.

You just have to to do it. I have done so today and feel so much relief! Even though it is hard- I am bring true to myself! Just be honest, clear and keep repeating yourself if needed. If he refuses to listen start taking steps re separation/divorce without him, and inform him of them. He will get on board when he knows it is what is happening!

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast Because the drama will be unbearable. He is the most awkward man to get along with and he can see nobody else's point of view but his own. It is exhausting to go against his wishes so I have fallen into the trap of going along with things to keep the peace.

How did he react when you told him your marriage is over? Are you scared of his reaction?

Sounds awful.
Maybe just proceed with leaving, then you won't be there come august?

Gosh OP. You know he uses prostitutes and yet you are the one worried about upsetting him!.
He sounds a horrible bully. It sounds a really dysfunctional marriage.
I think you need to proceed and make the separation from him real. You say you have already mentally come to the conclusion that separation is what you want. I think you should start taking the steps to make it a reality.

Just tell him no, youd rather spend the money on a divorce. You need to bite the bullet here and just be blunt.

File for divorce on line?

have got as far as telling him we have no relationship as a husband and wife, and that such a relationship will never ever be coming back.

Are you referring to a sexual relationship? Because all he will take from that is a green light to find prostitutes knowing you will still wash his underpants, cook his dinner and clean up after him.

Have you been explicitly clear that the plan is to separate/divorce? What have you done/said to facilitate this, ie not washing his underpants, separate food cupboards, not cooking his dinner??

EDIT - to answer your question though. You tell him you won't be around next August so can't go. That might give you the starting point for a very clear discussion about your future.

Could you not move out and go stay with family or friends until you find your own place?

You've told him the marriage is over so why stick around? Whats the point of that?

Get away and get the divorce ball rolling with a solicitor.

Do you have a plan of what you're going to do in practical terms? This seems more crucial than trying to get him round to your way of thinking - which will never happen. Get yourself sorted and then tell him what's happening - you don't need his permission.

Laugh at him and remind him you’re divorcing. Tell him you plan to have other plans by August 2025.

Sorry cross-posted with you there. Do you have a good Divorce lawyer lined up?

The Divorce system has changed in the UK so it's now no fault but it's in your interests to file for Divorce before he does and get good advice on splitting the assets, especially if you have things like cars, pensions and property.

Please don't move out as others have suggested until you've sought legal advice

And I think the minimum time for a Divorce is now 20 weeks so with a bit of preparation and a bit of luck and done good legal advice you could be rid of him by March. Imagine what a lovely Spring and Summer you could have, without him.

Thanks all. I've looked into buying him out and have a solicitor in place. I want to keep the house and stability for the kids. He is just very very hard to talk to. Even when I confronted him about the searching for prostitutes, he just said he never went further than looking and that it was my fault anyway for withholding sex. He cannot see that everything he does drives me away, mentally if not physically. I don't do any cooking or cleaning for him at all. We live very separately just in the same house. Yet he still wants this big family holiday. It is crazy-making.

How old are the Dc?

Op it sounds like you have mentally left the marriage and have all the elements in place -plan, solicitor, living separately etc- to move forward. Now is the time to have courage - to know that he may well not react well, in fact he will likely react horribly, and that is not your responsibility! Just remember why you are doing this -for you and your kids, and the peace that awaits you on the other side. X

You've started the physical separation so that's good but maybe it's time to start on the paperwork. Divorce is really three parts, the divorce itself, the financials and the children. You can do the actual divorce online by yourself as it doesnt require much - £600 and knowing where/when you were married. After that it's just clicking the proceed button for each stage (ie still want to after cooling off period, want decree nisi, want decree absolute). Go to gov.uk website for the link. He will get notified so that will be a very clear message you are done. You have to have 20 weeks cooling off period first, then you have to wait on the courts so it all adds up. It is certainly not a quick process so best to start soon.

The financials - download and start filling in Form E. It's a very long form but unless you are super rich or have lots of houses most of it won't apply to you so don't feel overwhelmed. You can do most of it yourself and just have a solicitor/mediator at the end. You both need to do a Form E each so you could be kind and print one off for him. That will be another clear message that it's over.

No comment about the children part as I never had to do that. Good luck OP.

I’m a family lawyer and was just saying to a colleague today how bizarre it is that the husbands are literally on another planet when it comes to this. Total denial. It’s almost always women who instigate.
I would just ignore him to be honest. He will have time to get used to the idea once your divorce application is in and he has to file an acknowledgement 🙂

We live very separately just in the same house. Yet he still wants this big family holiday. It is crazy-making.

You just have to put your head down and proceed with the plan that is right for you and don’t worry about why he thinks and does these crazy things.

After lying to me for a decade, emotionally and financially abusing me and saying many contemptuous things to me, after we split my ex thought that I might want to schedule a weekly “family dinner” for us and the kids.

He didn’t seem to grasp that I am civil only the sake of the children and if it weren’t for them I would never speak to him again. So no, spending one evening a week with a man who had treated me like trash was not something I wanted to do.

He also didn’t see the disconnect between telling me many times what a terrible person I am and then wanting to see me every week.

The thinking of these men is twisted and disconnected, They feel entitled to get what they want from us and frustrated if we are unwilling to provide it. Our reasons for not wanting to give them what they want don’t come into it; they don’t see them as valid in any way.

You have to accept that there is no getting through to them and you just have to find your way around them.

Everyone should know not to give into bullies. You'd tell your kids that. Don't give into your h.

Been through similar. Make sure you have your children's and your passports and documentation kept in your possession. Start collecting the paperwork you need.

I've not been through and I'm so sorry that you have. I was going to suggest the same thing about Passports and Birth Certificates which is part of the reason I asked about the ages of their DC

Say no- it would be awful.