Sticking it out for a bit longer to get ducks in a row?

[Ernestina]

I'm pretty sure I'm done. 18 years of marriage. 2 teenagers.

I don't want to go into all the ins and outs as he knows I use Mumsnet (I've name changed for this), but the latest incident of rage was the final straw. He has never hit me or the children, and he can be lovely for weeks or months in between the incidents of rage and breaking things, but after reading about similar situations on here, I can see that I've been trained from a young age to think this angry behaviour is normal or somehow my fault when it really isn't.

Logically and financially it makes sense to stay. Splitting will not give either of us a very high standard of living. At the moment I can't even see how it's possible for us to split and run two households. But I have a visceral feeling that it's over for me. I can't explain it. It's like my logical brain stood back and handed over to some inner part of me that knows what's best FOR ME, not everyone else.

So... is it crazy to spend a year or two reducing outgoings and working as hard as possible to increase my income (maybe get a better job) and build up some savings before pulling the plug?

I think it makes sense to start preparing for this, yes. But I think that once you’ve checked out and are actively working towards that point, it is much harder to keep going in that dysfunctional relationship. And if you end up giving off subtle signals that this is the case, there is surely a risk your husband’s bad behaviour will get worse, or more frequent, or both. Two years is a long time.

In practical terms, I would also take legal and financial advice now about asset splits etc. so that you know what you’re working towards, whether there is a good way to be able to ringfence any money you set aside for your ‘freedom fund’ and so on. It won’t help to save up and then find you have to split that pot 50/50, for example, if you’re relying on a specific sum for a deposit or what have you. You may be better off overpaying the mortgage instead, if you have one. Stuff like that.

Personally, I’d work on getting my finances to a point where splitting is possible asap, including looking at whether there is help in the form of UC, housing, council tax relief etc. And get out as soon as possible.

Not crazy at all but, as already said, once your mind is made up it gets harder and harder to hide it. My ex really ramped up the paranoid shit as I detached from him emotionally and practically (eg I was so sick of him insisting he wasn't hungry and was on a diet when the fact was he'd already eaten a takeaway so I told him I wasn't cooking for him during the week any more) , to the point where I didn't feel safe.