It’s been three months since the incident that made me see things for what they were and end the marriage. I’ve been through anger, determination, happiness.. and now I just feel grief.
There were good times and companionship. My new life will be so different. I feel like I’m losing a part of me. His negative behaviour wasn’t constant so I kid myself that maybe I could’ve just put up with it for the sake of the life we had.
I am dreading the day he moves out and the emptiness once he’s gone. I feel like I didn’t know what I had until it’s gone. I’m having crazy nightmares where I make bad decisions and panic, or I’m telling him I love him and we get back together.
On the other hand I know I had to do it. I had to protect our daughter from his manipulation and protect myself from any more of the emotional abuse too. But he will still see our daughter and his text messages to her that she has shown me, are still manipulating and guilt tripping her. I feel like I’ll never be able to put an end to his behaviour.
Dd was saying how he needs to leave because she saw how wrong his behaviour was but I have noticed now he’s started moving things out, she is bad tempered, argumentative and miserable. She has counselling now. It’s hitting home for us all.
Dh says things like ‘now you’ve decided you don’t want to be married anymore’ when we discuss things like finances and it’s like he can’t even see why I had to make the decision. He’s never talked to me about this properly and is like a child in a man’s body. I always mothered him and worry about how he’ll cope alone, I feel I’m abandoning him. At weekends I’m still cooking really over the top meals and taking him breakfast in bed, as a way to help my guilt and also in a weird way, make him stay even though I know it’s not going to happen.
I feel a little stronger when I remind myself I’m standing up to his behaviour finally - and doing the right thing. I even made a list of all his ‘red flags’ to read back when I feel weak. When I think really hard, I don’t think I could go back even if it was an option as he started a smear campaign against me to all his family and friends as soon as he realised what he’d done and that I’d had enough. His sister bought him a property almost immediately for him to move into as though they couldn’t wait to get him out of here. Yet me and dd are going to have nowhere to live soon. SIL’s friend took my job straight away, as I worked for him. Her other friend has become his solicitor. His family have always been difficult and I always got the blame. I have no family really apart from my mum. My dad has dementia and doesn’t even know who I am any more.
Just this month I can’t stop crying and I just feel so exhausted by it all. I’m pretty sure I’m also perimenopausal which doesn’t help.
Can anyone give some messages of hope. I have contacted my gp today. I don’t want anti depressants but if I can just get some kind of talking therapy, it would help. I think once I have my housing situation sorted out I will at least be able to plan a future.