My wife and I have been married for about 14 years and together for 17. It’s fair to say it hasn’t been a happy marriage. Over the years, we’ve faced numerous conflicts—both with my family and her with hers. All relationships with my family have ceased, with the exception of my mother. Though, even this is strained. I do attribute this in part to my wife pushing people out of our lives as a behavioural trait. Anyway, suffice to say; I have no support network. No one to hear advice from.
We have a 6-year-old child whom we both love dearly. Around six months ago, we bought a house together, and just two weeks after moving in, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. To be honest, I felt the same way. Shortly after that, she began messaging a young guy who lives in America. She claimed it was related to her business, but I had a gut feeling it was something more. I was torn; part of me wanted to be the concerned husband, while another part wanted to distance myself from the situation.
Not long after, I had to leave for a staff function that was far from home. Before I left, I caught my wife sexting that guy, which hit me hard. At the event, I spent time with a female colleague who was quite flirtatious, buying me drinks and shots. Later that night, a group of us headed to a club. I was walking next to another colleague when she came up from behind and wrapped her arms around me, saying, “It’s so good that you came out tonight.” I put my arms around her, and we walked together cuddling. She felt so good in my arms and she held me tightly. It felt very much like we were a couple in that moment. The way we were holding each other. Not at all in a platonic way, if you can imagen.
Once we arrived at the club, I let my hair down and felt an overwhelming sense of freedom and happiness—something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I started developing strong feelings for this girl. During the night, we danced as a group, but periodically, she would disappear with her friend to the bathroom. After about an hour, it looked like they were about to leave, and I didn’t want to see her go. At this point, we’d all had quite a bit to drink. I touched her shoulder and leaned in to whisper, “I have a hotel room. Will you come with me?” She looked surprised, and shortly after, she and her friend left the club.
A little while later, the rest of our group walked past me on their way out, and I followed them. When I got to the exit, she was waiting. I could tell she had been crying. She took my hand and led me around the corner for a private conversation. She looked me in the eye and said, “You can’t say things like that. You don’t understand. It’s highly inappropriate.” I could see she was wrestling with her emotions, and it pained me to see her in distress.
I sincerely apologized and told her I must have misread the situation. She then gathered herself and said, “What you said to me tonight was extremely inappropriate, and I’m sorry, but I don’t see you that way. I have no interest in you at all.” I nodded and apologized again, but she walked away to join her friend.
I then returned to the group, who had seen me talking to her and wanted to know what had happened. One colleague, who hadn’t been part of our group, approached me with questions—did I touch her? What did I say? I shared everything, including the turmoil I had been feeling about my marriage. I broke down in tears and collapsed against the side of the building. The colleague who had been asking questions put me in a taxi and helped me get back to the hotel.
When I returned, I messaged the female colleague I’d interacted with that night on social media. I told her I respected her and felt she was the heart and soul of our team. I even mentioned I would resign in the morning. At 3 a.m., I messaged my boss, saying I’d made a mistake and would likely need to resign. I was imploding.
The next morning, I woke up to a message from the female colleague urging me not to resign. She acknowledged that what I said was inappropriate, but reminded me that we were both very drunk. My boss expressed concern and said he’d call me later that day. After sobering up, I drove home, arriving later than usual. My wife sensed something was wrong, and instead of hiding it, I chose to tell her everything—every detail of the night. I made the unfortunate mistake of mentioning the girl’s name.
My wife exploded in anger. She began messaging the girl from work, and I can only imagine what was said. The girl replied that I had been very inappropriate and that she had witnesses to the incident. She also mentioned having a boyfriend. Honestly, at that moment, I felt like my life was ending. I was close to taking my life.
Later that day, I spoke with my boss, who tried to reassure me, saying he didn’t think it was as serious as I feared and that it would probably come to nothing. Even having that conversation was extremely embarrassing. Over the next few weeks, I had several meetings with my boss about the situation, and eventually, a one-on-one meeting with the female colleague.
She wanted to see if we could still work together and how I felt about that. I told her I had a great time that night, right up until I said something extremely stupid, and I apologized for putting her in a difficult position. Honestly, that felt like a lie. I regretted my crass invitation but didn’t regret how I felt that night. I wished I’d had the sense to express it differently—like saying, “I enjoyed spending time with you.”
Some time has passed since that night, and as my boss predicted, it all came to nothing. I kept my job, largely due to the kindness and understanding of the female employee. I’ve worked alongside her for some time, and every interaction has been professional and good-natured. Yet, secretly, I feel a strong yearning for her every time I see her. I even find myself missing her over weekends or when she’s away from work. I’m working hard on moving on, but the heart wants what it wants.
My marriage situation has remained stagnant. My wife has stopped contacting the guy she was texting. We’re stuck in an awkward situation where we both want to separate but can’t afford to do so, forcing us to live together for the sake of our child. We both want our child to be impacted as little as possible, so we try to maintain some semblance of a typical family life for her sake. My wife has said I could date as long as I didn’t bring anyone home. However, when I started considering options like Tinder, she began telling our child that Daddy was looking for a new mummy.
To prevent our child from feeling confused and hurt, I agreed with my wife not to go on dates or message other women until we are fully divorced or until she meets someone. Honestly, this feels like I’ve trapped myself again. My mind and body crave finding someone new to love. It’s as if that small taste of freedom reignited something inside me, making me acutely aware of what I’ve given up for so many years.
The tiger is out of the cage, and I cannot put it back in. But I cannot do this at the expense of my child. If they were to suffer because of my decision to leave, it would destroy me. So here I am, in a sort of purgatory. Any advice you can offer would be immensely helpful. I’m at a crossroads and cannot go back to how things were—I wouldn’t want to. What should I do?