Help -he's gone!

[Fishcake18]

Help and advice needed pls.

Have just asked my narcissistic and controlling partner to leave the house. We split up four months ago, but he was doing nothing at all and making no efforts at all to go, after agreeing that he would leave (I knew it was time and he needed to go, or he would never do so! House is rented in my name)

Problem is he went and woke up our two girls (aged 11 and 13) at 10.30pm at night!! Saying 'Your mum's gone mad, she wants me to go, look what I have to put up with..please come with me girls'

It was horrible and upsetting and clearly traumatic for them!

My question is what should I do with the girls tomorrow- send them into school, offer to take the day off with them?' I just want this to impact on them as little as possible, and minimise any harm.

I just want to help them through this in the best way possible x

Send them into school as normal. Sounds like he's done you all a real favour so I would tell him now he has to live with his decision.

Send them in to school but let the school know! It will hopefully take their minds off it a little. I hope they and you are okay.

Also, coming from someone who has been in your shoes but with a younger child, please count this as a blessing. You and your children will be happier and healthier without someone like that dragging you down. I’m 2 years past this point now and I can honestly say me and my child are thriving and I look back at the person I was then and what I put up with and I don’t recognise myself. You will all get through this xx

Send them to school. Let them have the security and continuity he’s trying to deny them. But let school know and be prepared to call in to school for hugs and reassurance as needed.
Your Dc will know what XH is like at their ages, they just need reassurance it’s ok to carry on as normal xx

how aware were/are they?

There is no right or wrong answer. See how they feel in the morning and assess then.

Whilst I wouldn’t drag them all into the reasons he’s behaving like this - I wouldn’t be making excuses for him.

‘Sometimes adults don’t manage their behaviour and they lash out and involve children and others instead of dealing with their emotions’… maybe not that - it’s been over 15 years since I had to have a similar talk with my youngest about his dad.

My youngest decided to go no contact with his dad at 12 after years of my DS reaching out and his dads narc ways messing him around.

Update- went to wake the eldest one I for school and she really didn't want to go.. clearly still very stressed and wound up- I could feel all the tension in her body! Think she was up till gone 1 with the worry and stress of of it all! 😩

I have cancelled with my clients today and will take the day off to spend with them- just pottering, maybe suggest a walk, or going for a milkshake.. think if they can just have a dry to rest and integrate together, they should hopefully be in a better position to go into school day tomorrow.. may just check if the youngest wants to go in xx

So cross when I think about it as this fall out and stress reaction with the children is down to him! But committed to loving them as much as I can today and just trying to be there for them xx