My friend wasn’t nice to my other friend who has a form of autism

[Octobertreesandleaves123]

This has upset me and made me sad much more than I thot it would. Basically my friend A who has a form of autism, myself and friend B were going for lunch. My 2 friends hadn’t meant before. I had said beforehand to friend B that friend A has this and is very open about it.
When we sat at lunch friend B would look annoyed and fed up when friend A spoke and it was blatantly obvious to me.
Luckily friend A did not pick this up but it’s made me feel really sad and changed my view of B. I wasn’t hugely close with B anyway but it’s just made me feel pretty upset and made me view them differently.
Thoughts on if I’m overreacting but, as above, I feel it’s made me so sad about it that I’d struggle to meet up with B again.

Why did you engineer a lunch all together? It sounds like B wanted lunch with you and was irritated another person was there.

Editing to add - you seen to be assuming this is about autism but possibly B just wanted to hang out with you and was irritated at having to share your time with a third person who was a stranger. Was it an occasion like a birthday?

I dont see where you've got that from.
Op yes I would be upset too.

'Basically my friend A who has a form of autism, myself and friend B were going for lunch. My 2 friends hadn’t meant before. I had said beforehand to friend B that friend A has this and is very open about it.
When we sat at lunch friend B would look annoyed and fed up when friend A spoke and it was blatantly obvious to me.'

These are the OP's own words. That's where I got it from

B didn’t like A. You’re assuming it’s because A has autism. It could be for a whole bunch of other reasons.

No big deal, just don’t arrange to socialise with them together again.

Is friend B the type of person who takes issue with autistic people? Did you speak to her about it?

You've made it sounds like its about your friends autism, but it could have been anything at all.

What did she say that bothered you? Or did she just not like your other friend much?

Why would having autism even crop up over lunch conversations?

You have assumed she did t like her because of her autism

You

but you have no idea

I am autistic. There are certain neurotypical people who absolutely cannot stand me. I know they don't like me so I am often quiet in a group setting when they're around, yet they will find a way to engage with me just long enough to then say something to make me feel excluded. These kinds of people usually like to be the centre of attention and they like to be in control of the atmosphere. If they really really don't want me present, their tactic seems to be to make me feel very uncomfortable. They always have the choice just to be civil, say hello and then not engage with me again. But they seem to thrive on the feeling of having the power to dictate the atmosphere, and they seem to need the disruption to make themselves feel good.
Sometimes its hard to know if its better not to tell Friend B in advance about Friend A's autism. Some Friend Bs will be very accommodating and accepting of friend A and they will find a way to only see the positive things. Some types of friend B will hear that Friend A has autism and they will automatically and subconsciously decide that Friend A is annoying.
I think its really good that you noticed how Friend B was acting. Please continue to be friends with Friend A. Its possible they don't have many friends like you.

Its fine for Friend B to not like Friend A. What's not OK is how rude Friend B's facial expression were. Friend B can express their dislike for Friend A by not coming next time. Expressing it in the moment is really nasty.

I had said beforehand to friend B that friend A has this…

Did A say it was ok for you to tell B her private medical information?

Maybe B just didn’t click with A, have you asked B why she seemed so annonyed?

It depends, doesn’t it.

If A was constantly interrupting, steering the conversation to whatever it was she wanted to talk about, droning on and on without letting the others get a word in or asking B anything about herself… well honestly, I’d struggle to keep a straight face too.

I’m also at a loss as to why the OP told B about A’s autism.

If it’s something A is quite open about as the OP says, then I’ve no doubt it would have come up in conversation anyway, in fact I’m now wondering if that particular topic of conversation was the only one on the table.

she says that Friend A is quite open about her diagnosis.

Yes I acknowledged that in my post.

In which case if A wants people to know she has autism, she can, will and does undoubtedly tell them herself.

Just because she’s open about it, doesn’t mean it’s the OP’s place to tell other people about her having autism before they’ve even met her.

I agree. Its not always appropriate, but in this case it sounds like Friend A is very comfortable with her diagnosis. I think the OP was trying to prep the situation and meant no harm. I get the feeling Friend A wouldn't mind, but I am making an assumption here. As someone who is autistic (although I am absolutely not open about it as I am very very uncomfortable in my own skin), I trust the judgement of my (few) close friends to tell someone if they think its appropriate.

Yes it's almost like apologising in advance for something that doesn't need apologised for.

Are “forms of autism” still a thing?

I thought it was just ASD and varying degrees

I have friends who don't have anything in common with each other, and I hate watching them looking down their noses at each other for being boring or shallow or hippyish or preoccupied with material wealth or woo or religious or sceptical...I like all these friends but they don't have to like each other, and I generally don't put it to the test.

i can’t imagine any of my friends behaving like this to anyone
let alone multiple friends

there are people I don't like or whom I find annoying, but I don't sit there making faces at them!
most adults should be able to be polite or at least neutral for the span of a lunch. I'm sure B manages to not sit there rolling her eyes and looking annoyed any time someone she works with says something vaguely annoying.

I agree that B is entitled to dislike A for any reason, and it very well might not have been anything to do with A's autism - but for the sake of OP, and just out of basic politeness, shouldn't have expressed it so openly. If OP suggested meeting up again B could have just said 'actually I wasn't that keen on A" or "I don't think A and I had much in common" or just "I'd prefer to catch up just the two of us next time."

In case this has been lost on a few people, I do not mean that any of my friends physically adjust their heads and look down their noses at each other. It is a figure of speech meaning that they size each other up, pass judgement, and express this through social cues such as lack of enthusiastic response, lack of smiling or friendly engagement, social reserve, slight boredom etc.

yes

and they sound unpleasant 🤷

As i say, i can’t imagine any of my friends let alone multiple behaving like this

Well that tends to be some peoples Autistic traits. Interrupting and hyperfocusing on their interests. Not their fault and people should be understanding, not pulling faces.

it sounds like Friend A is very comfortable with her diagnosis. I think the OP was trying to prep the situation and meant no harm.

Another perspective - I'm autistic and comfortable with talking about it.

If I found out a friend tried to 'prep' a situation and pre-warn someone I'd not met before, I'd be embarrassed and I'd feel a bit patronised. Who wants to be someone that new people have to be 'prepped' for (and how weird or difficult does my 'friend' think I am, if they feel that's necessary!?)
Plus, even when they're well meaning, some folk are just uncomfortable/a little strange about autism (eg people who were totally fine for ages suddenly started talking to me like I was a child, or assuming I don't understand sarcasm/explaining jokes once they found out).
I choose whether to disclose or not on a case by case basis, and many others are the same - always check before you start sharing someone else's personal information, even if you think they'll be okay with it.

OP could have accidentally been the reason friend B was off, if she's someone who has ideas about what autistic people are like and reacts according to those assumptions. Alternatively she just might have not liked your friend. (We can't all be everyone's cup of tea, it's not necessarily anything to do with autism).

I too find it bizarre that you pre-warned B about friend A's diagnosis! No matter how comfortable she is with it herself. Do you pre-warn if another friend is black, has wonky teeth, speaks another language, menopausal, IBS or any thing else???

What exactly did B say? As others have said, maybe she just didn't get on with A or wanted to spend the time with just you. Who knows?

Thanks for the input. Friend A had made it extremely clear that she is comfortable with other people knowing and it probably just came up in conversation, not a ‘pre warning’ at all.
I still feel that B was unkind and could have been polite and civil.
As above it did make me feel really sad.
Thanks again for the input.