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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think this may be the end of us, please help before it is all too late

47 replies

secur · 07/01/2005 11:32

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anorak · 07/01/2005 12:33

When I wanted counselling about 5 years ago my GP booked me in to see the practice counsellor. I was entitled to 6 sessions with her on the NHS. That was enough for me.

If you need more they will sort something out I'm sure.

secur · 07/01/2005 12:40

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anorak · 07/01/2005 12:45

Well, it absolutely shouldn't go on. Tell your doctor that you live next door to a member of staff and you are worried about confidentiality. I am sure he/she will guard their tongue as they should. If not you could have them struck off, after all.

secur · 07/01/2005 12:49

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CarrieG · 07/01/2005 12:54

No helpful advice to offer really secur but just echoing what others have said about talking to your GP...he/she ought at least to be able to refer you to some counselling?

OR when my dh#1 died, I had some brilliant help from the Samaritans (guilt about his death - won't go into details as don't want to hijack)...you don't actually need to be suicidal! You can email them if you prefer not to phone...

secur · 07/01/2005 12:56

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CarrieG · 07/01/2005 13:04

Well, we leased a pub together - he had serious problems with depression & alcoholism, which led to some fairly psychotic episodes. Eventually we arranged to surrender the lease & face bankruptcy as he was rapidly losing the plot, I couldn't cope with him AND the business & we were in serious financial shtuck.

The night of our leaving party (due to leave first thing next morning) he collapsed (epileptic fit caused by DTs - he was desperately trying not to drink), fell down a flight of concrete steps & bashed his head.

I called an ambulance - he refused to get in it, insisted he was fine, & took himself off to bed. I finally went up (having checked on him throughout the evening & found him apparently peacefully sleeping) & discovered that his head had swollen - so I called another ambulance...

Turned out he'd broken his neck & fractured his skull in the original fall, leading to massive swelling & brain damage. He died 3 days later without regaining consciousness.

Anyway. I felt incredibly guilty (why hadn't I MADE him get in #1 ambulance etc) - & eventually found myself outside a Samaritans drop-in centre. They were brilliant. Really well worth trying...

anorak · 07/01/2005 13:07

Oh Carrie, how awful for you

secur · 07/01/2005 13:10

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wolfbabe · 07/01/2005 13:13

sorry bout this babes. not much 2 say, cept perhaps you can see some1 bout it, like a dr or someone.

CarrieG · 07/01/2005 13:17

Actually secur I'd say quite the opposite - you're looking for help with an ongoing situation whereas I just needed help with coming to terms with something I couldn't actually do anything about! I reckon yours is a MUCH more valuable use of resources

I'm fairly together about it now, albeit I go a bit wobbly every 11th of January! But they really DO help - the lady I spoke to was brilliant at helping me clarify & address how I felt...she just let me talk it out & helped me move on.

secur · 07/01/2005 13:23

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Prettybird · 07/01/2005 14:07

I agree with the excellent advice you have had here. I think counselling would help, especially, as others have said, as trust (or the regaining of it) is something you have to do - it's not something your dh can do for you.

If you are really concerend about confidentiality (and again, I agree with the others that if you make it clear to your GP, then he should be sensisitve about your concerns), then yuo don't need to go into detail about why you need counselling - just that you are depressed, have unresolved issues, and that counselling may help. A word of warning though - there is often a long waiting list for NHS counselling.

Having said all of that, if you do want to "talk" to your dh, would writing to him be a way forward? You say he is not the type to talk about emotions - but can he read about them? Does he know that you don't think he makes love - that he just has sex? Would he want to do something about it if he did know? Would that help you?

You've put it down in writing here - would putting it down in writing for your dh help or would it just open up old wounds? You could try "writing" him a letter - not even necessarily with the intention of giving it to him to read - but just to see if that helps clarify things in your own head. What (if anything) would you like him to do? How would you like him to react?

secur · 07/01/2005 14:23

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Prettybird · 07/01/2005 14:35

Hope it helps Secur. I know that it helps dh and I sometimes to write things down when we are having difficulties.

I overdid the "bolds" a bit - sorry!

secur · 07/01/2005 14:35

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secur · 07/01/2005 14:36

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Gomez · 07/01/2005 15:04

Secur hope you can manage to move things on from here and PB's idea of writing it all down is super. It will probably help you as well as DH - do you think you could ask him to reply to you with his feelings/views/concerns etc. and perhaps start some dialogue that way...

secur · 07/01/2005 15:07

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Gomez · 07/01/2005 15:15

Oops wasn't clear would he respond in writing to you if you wrote to him IYSWIM???

Prettybird · 07/01/2005 15:20

You might be surprised Secur - writing things down (and having the ability to "work" on the words until they are "right") is sometimes somehow easier than actually talking about them.

Dh and I often go through a whole sequence of letters to each other, especially when we have difficult issues to address. Interestingly, it is often (usually) me that is the one who won't talk (much to dh's frustration)- partly because the issues are (in my head) so big that I don't know where to start, and partly because dh gets annoyed when I get upset when we are talking through issues - so it's one way of avoiding that particular barrier to us resolving things.

We used to have a "Big Issues" book: the idea was that by writing things down regularly, with a limit on the number of issues you were allowed to raise at a time, and with suggestions on how we wanted the other to respond/act, then the issueswouldn't become BIG in the first place!

We've got out of the habit of using it, which is a shame, as I am sure it did help us.

secur · 07/01/2005 15:34

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