Am l wrong?

[CraftyKit]

I don't often ask for advice but here goes.
We have a little holiday place and have been using it as a get away from it all but now OH's brothers want to use it. We did let one of them go a few weeks ago for a birthday get away. Now they want to go again.

I said to OH when he told me "Are they going to pay something?" he looked at me as if l was mad and went very quiet. I carried on saying we have to pay the bills after all so it would be costing us.
He just waffled and then said l am going to cut the grass.
I am not good at confrontation and about to go out so nothing is going to be said.
Am l wrong in thinking that they should pay something? Why should we give freebie weekends/weeks when we work hard to pay for our little bolthole?

My friend has a family member (not really close) who owns a holiday home in Europe. He has always said nobody else can stay there. If they did, it would cost him money and he wanted to be free to just go there whenever he wanted to. That's what I think you should do with your relatives. If you don't mind them being there and are happy with the state they left it in and it's just the cost of utilities that concerns you, then slap a charge on their stay. I know my friend's relative said he just knew people wouldn't clean it properly, would leave food there to go off, not put the bins out, etc, which was the main reason why he didn't want them staying there.

They should pay and they should pay more than utility costs.

Its a universal truth that people do not value things that are given for free.

If you dont charge, what you will find is over time is they abuse your property (left dirty, breakages, partying, fake tan on sheets or whatever)
And / or
They will tell all kinds of randoms about their "free" holiday spot and be lending your home on to their in laws / mates / whoever.

Personally i would just say you bought it for your own use and want to be able to go whenever so you arent lending it out to anyone going forward

Hmm. It feels a bit blunt, but you are probably right. I'm assuming you want them to pay to cover the gas/electric whilst they are there?

The other thing that would possibly annoy me is that you let them go once and they are now wanting to go again - I'd be concerned that what I thought was as one off for a birthday was something they now thought they'd regularly like to do. Twice in the space of 'weeks' feels like a piss take.

I would say they are welcome to stay but they need to cover their energy usage whilst they’re there. It’s only fair. And I would expect them to clean the place and take out any rubbish at the end of their stay too. I would make this clear to them.

Thank you everyone for your advice.
They did leave the place as they found it.

I just thought l was being unreasonable saying maybe they should pay something towards the utility cost as we have to pay for what is used.
Yes, l did think it a bit of a cheek asking to go again in a month or so.
I do not want to sound mean but everything costs and we have to pay the bills etc.

Whose he going with?
On his own?
A girlfriend?
How long does he stay?
How much would it cost?

What might work best is arranging a cleaning service to come in after every visit, to wash the sheets as well as clean the place and get rid of rubbish. Add to the cost of this a flat fee for energy per day, and ask for this amount in advance of each 'booking'. Nobody could say that you were making a profit out of their use of your house, but it would mean that it got a good clean several times a year and you wouldn't feel taken advantage of.

Lucky enough to have the use of a family holiday home - not ours! We were actually invited to use it as I have some mobility issues and it’s all on one level.
The first time we went it was gifted for a big birthday. But I did make sure it was spick and span when we left and also left some bits and pieces for the next guests eg shower gel, SPF, tea towels!
The owners don’t rent it out, it’s only used by a few trusted people.
We go once a year off season when kids are in school. We now pay a fee (I insisted and said I wouldn’t go otherwise it felt wrong) and also make sure the kitchen is stocked with things like washing powder etc. So as well as the fee probably spend £60/£70 on bits to leave.
Always make sure it is cleaned to the max.
I am very grateful, it does feel like a home from home, but if at any time I felt me and DP were encroaching I would back off - owners are on his side of the family.
Every family is different but if they are going to keep asking too often you need to say no. If it’s once a year for a few days they need to pay.
You also then open the floodgates for others to ask and if it’s your little haven it needs protecting.
I have a sense you don’t want to share it and I think that’s absolutely fine - you don’t owe anybody a single thing OP.

No, you're not unreasonable. Just say "last time was a treat as your birthday, but we need x amount to cover utilities etc".

You didn’t say what you meant though, did you?

What you meant was “Darling, I really worry about family using our bolthole. I feel as if I am being mugged, and having worked hard for that luxury, I don’t want someone who works less hard to have access to it.” Or something approaching that, or even “I don’t want other people there, and I don’t want to have to justify it.”

Instead you asked a really (extremely) passive aggressive, disingenuous question. You know perfectly well he hasn’t paid anything toward it. So in your effort to avoid confrontation you’ve actually made it worse. I would have gone to mow the lawn too, because I would be raging at you!

Communication is actually quiet easy: say what you mean and mean what you say.

So, YANBU to not want people there. YABU to not be open and transparent in your communication. Life is so much easier when you are an asker- don’t be a guesser/hinter. You can read about it below.

www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

When they ask again, say we are discounting the rate, but it will cost X amount. They can either agree or refuse, but at least everyone knows what is expected.

Te thing I find weird is why would they not offer? If someone offered me the use of their free holiday home, I'd offer some money. If they said no, I'd make some kind of repayment in kind - so a gift for the owners, supplies for the house etc.

Two people.
3 nights last time not sure how long this time ( I didn't ask).
It will be winter so not sure how much utilities will cost.

I didn't think asking someone who wants to use our property to pay something rather than freeloading was an aggressive question.

Thank you.
I guess in some ways l don't want to share. It is our place to get away from things but feel guilty being able to have it, so it is hard.
I don't have family so don't really know how to deal with it and feel maybe l am being unreasonable. I know that when one starts it may well open the floodgates to other requests and that is what is worrying me.
I do know how to share before anyone things otherwise - honest.

My thoughts exactly.
I have never been lucky enough to have been offered a free holiday home but if l was l would feel guilty not paying something which is probably why l feel this way about my own.

I think your husband has made out to his brother that he can afford to cover his costs, not to worry etc. Use it anytime he wants. Explains why he went quiet.

We don’t let anyone use ours apart from daughter and family. If asked we just say sorry it’s not available to others but there are some nice rentals nearby!

You didn’t ask them to pay something though.

You asked “Are they going to pay something?" which is the precursor to a row of your husband just says “No”

The clear communication is “I don’t mind them staying if they pay X” or “I mind them staying, regardless of anything else.”

You didn’t say what you meant. You hinted at it, and expected your husband to fix it, without having to take responsibility for your own wishes/preferences.

I wasn't there so couldn't make my wishes known.
Only found out after they had asked.

I thought saying 'Will they be paying towards the bills?' was making my wishes know.

I thought saying 'Will they be paying towards the bills?' was making my wishes know.

But it isn’t- that’s why it’s passive aggressive. You asked for Information (Will they be paying?) which at face value is a neutral yes/no question. But if you ask what happens if your husband replied No in a cheery manner, then the fact you aren’t owning your wishes comes to the surface.

Now of course your husband knows what you are hinting at but my question is what’s stopping you saying that out loud, and having the transparent discussion with your husband. (And indeed having the transparent discussion with the guests).

Actually what is it that you want? Because my checklist of possibilities is:
You want him not to stay.
If he must stay there must be no financial benefit to him.
I don’t want us to be asked at all.
I want there to be a blanket no, but for no one to think I am being mean or selfish.
What is your view of your family, or friends staying?