Too soon

[collann]

So I had the courage to end my 5 year relationship a couple of months ago. Very abusive narcissist and alcoholic. We had a lot of breaks ups throughout that time so I think I detached myself from him long ago I definitely wasn't in love with him just wasn't strong enough to leave before.
Me & my dd have had counselling and feel in a really good place right now.

I met an old male friend and we've been getting on really well going out for coffee and dog walks nothing serious or dating as yet.

My ex got wind and called me all the names under the sun and is convinced it's way too soon and I must've been seeing him before we broke up. Which I wasn't I've never cheated in my life.

I know I shouldn't let it bother me what he thinks but why does it?
The only thing I done wrong in our relationship was not stick up for myself and leave sooner.

Shall I just brush it off? I don't want him to get me down again as I feel the best I have done for years x

A couple of months counselling whilst laudable is not going to make a huge difference. Most people would be looking at years. It's none of your exes business, but as you are asking. Yes, too soon

Thank you for your reply
As I said it's nothing serious and we have known each other for years he moved to a different country for work that's why we lost touch but no he's back we just met randomly and have been catching up since.
He knows the situation and we're both happy to stay friends but if things progress in the distant future I wouldn't stop it.

It's just gets my back up that my ex made my life a misery for so long now I'm going out and meeting friends he doesn't like it so is badmouthing me

But I suppose there's nothing I can do about it tbh x

Of course you brush him off. Don't respond to his goading and accusations whatsoever. Your comings and goings are no longer any of his business. He's just trying to keep a hook in because he's a controlling bastard.
What's it to him? Nothing.
Proceed thus.

Thank you x

Yes brush it off. It’s non of his business. Can you cut your ex completely from your life (you didn’t say how old DD is)?
Ignore the previous poster who said it’s too soon. You didn’t even ask that and only you know. Sounds like you aren’t rushing into anything.

Can you block his number and have parenting communication through email that you choose when to look at it?

Narcissists will do damage that will take YEARS to undo. Seriously, I thought I was ok to date again after 18 month’s separation, and I managed to chose someone even worse. I wasn’t fit to pick someone healthy who would be supportive in the relationship until I was on my own for over 5 years.

Why / how has he the ability to contact you? Is your DD his?

If not block and delete. Prior to that let him know you want zero contact in any form - and that once you have informed him of this if he trys to contact you two nore times - its legally harrassment and you will go to the police.

These types can be emotionally and physically very dangerous - especially after leaving - this is your greatest risk for the next 2 years statistically - tell your family, friends, neighbours and workplace not to engage with him and to them let you know. He might well invent a crisis or threat suicide - do not go running - its a classic trap to reel you back into punching distance. Ask police/ambulance to do a welfare check on him. If the issue is real - he will have the appropriate professionals to support him.

If he is your DD parent. Only liaise via email or parent app or 3rd party - so that everything is documented. Do not entertain anything other than DC arrangements - tell him that and if his communications become troublesome or threatening speak with police. Dont underestimate his ability to do you serious damage.

I would be careful and not allow this new relationship to dvelop beyounf friendhip right now. You have a lot of healing to do on yourself and not doing makes your vulnerable.

Ignore, ignore and ignore some more! Nowt to do with him ....

We haven't got children together I had blocked him but he put a letter through my door.

My new friendship is just that and will definitely not be anymore for a long time.

Just never dealt with this kind of bullying before x

Maybe worth showing the letter to the police (don’t let them keep it, you keep it) so that they log it. If it turns into a pattern of stalking then at least you have got the ball rolling. Don’t let anything go, no matter how innocuous it seems. No coincidental meetings, no communication of any kind. And tell your dd’s school as well.

Thank you so much
He's trying to make me feel bad because he said he's the only dad my dad has ever known and I'm robbing her of that but surely no dad is better than an abusive one he was horrible to her 90% of the time x

An abusive dad is the worst option. Hold hard, he is furious because he has lost control. Please be careful!

There are some decent resources out there to read. The Freedom Programme. “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. Psychology info on narcissism. None of this is you- it’s all him.

Yes it's bullying.
Controlling people cannot stand to be ignored or dismissed so they seek ways to ensure your attention remains focused on them. He's inserting himself into your world even though he no longer has any business being there. Ignore and dismiss is exactly what you must continue to do.
Keep a record (dates and times) of accusatory, manipulative, intimidating, inappropriate contact.
Stay totally unresponsive yourself.

First thing I want to mention is you have a very long healing journey ahead of you. I am glad you feel you are in a really good place right now. Don't be surprised if you find you regress at some point here shortly.

I am surprised that you seem baffled by your exes behavior. After being with a narcissist for 5 years you would have encountered this many times before already.
Unless you have children together there is no reason you should be speaking to him. No contact is the solution.

Agree.

Have you got a ring door bell and a dashcam?

Congratulations of giving your DD the opportunity of a healthy balanced emotional life by removing her from that character. She now needs you to have him out of your heaad otherwise you are preoccupied with him and cant give enough to her.

I would also inform the school, any of her friends Mums, extended family as he may try to make contact with her directly or intercept.

I would send a firm but last message bacck to him.

No crossover no.
From now on I can do what I like with whim I like. Don't contact me again.

Sorry it's a letter.
Yep show it to the police.

I believe it is easier to deal with a pest if you can show evidence that you have made it clear to them that contact is not welcome. One message is all that's required. After that, not another word.

"It's none of your business. I don't want any further contact from you."

Something like that. Then, should you need to escalate to get rid of him, your previous request that he leave you alone is inarguable. If he chooses not to, he will be held responsible.

That's the theory anyway. I don't know how useful it is but that's what I've heard about such issues.