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Original poster

Alarming father?

9 replies

ShadowMother · 05/10/2024 00:37

I'm typing this before I've thought of a title for this thread in the hope that writing will bring me the title.
At work (in the UK) we have a new member of staff and at first glance he is a fairly innocuous middle aged man but - I don't feel he is all that he appears.
Call it intuition, call it whatever you like but alarm bells are ringing with things he says regarding his only child, a daughter (21 yrs). A few times I have asked him what age his daughter is because of how he refers to her and things just don't feel right?
He refers to his wife and daughter as "the girls", as if he doesn't distinguish one from the other.
But what brought me to post here is a comment he made when his daughter went on holiday with a friend and he said, she messaged to say she didn't have her house key so they (him and his wife) would have to stay up late/wake up to let her in (so far so good). Then he said, he thought it was more that she would want to have "a kiss and a cuddle" when she got home.
He doesn't talk that way about his wife - just his daughter.
But "a kiss and cuddle" with his 21 year old daughter just feels wrong?
There have been other things he has said that raised my hackles but am I overreacting? Does it need raised? And if so who to?
Any thoughts please.
(still not sure I have the title correct)

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 05/10/2024 00:41

Euw that is weird. But if she’s 21, she’s an adult … she could move out if her dad’s a perv. You can’t really report someone just for being creepy.

WinterFaye2 · 05/10/2024 01:37

“The girls” thing is totally fine to me.

”kiss and a cuddle” comment is weird, it would make more sense to me if she was younger though.

She obviously has the freedom to get away from the family home with going on holiday. She’s also an adult. The only thing I would say for you to do, is have a curiosity when he says something strange - “are you two that close, I’ve never kissed my dad” etc kind of thing.

Original poster
ShadowMother · 05/10/2024 01:50

Mmhmmn · 05/10/2024 00:41

Euw that is weird. But if she’s 21, she’s an adult … she could move out if her dad’s a perv. You can’t really report someone just for being creepy.

I did think that the first time he raised my hackles, but now I'm thinking "grooming". The whole thing just feels wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShadowMother · 05/10/2024 01:57

WinterFaye2 · 05/10/2024 01:37

“The girls” thing is totally fine to me.

”kiss and a cuddle” comment is weird, it would make more sense to me if she was younger though.

She obviously has the freedom to get away from the family home with going on holiday. She’s also an adult. The only thing I would say for you to do, is have a curiosity when he says something strange - “are you two that close, I’ve never kissed my dad” etc kind of thing.

Yes, the way he talks about her, I genuinely first thought she might be SEND but how do I strike that off my list?

OP posts:
Tittibits · 05/10/2024 02:22

I call DH and son, The Boys- have done for years.

HiveMindEchoChamber · 05/10/2024 05:47

Depends what the other things are...

I'd find it weird but could be innocent.

RawBloomers · 05/10/2024 05:57

The girls thing is something I’ve heard a fair bit, and I’ve heard “The boys” even more to refer to husbands and sons.

The kiss and cuddle thing could just be because he still thinks of her as his little girl in someways? I think lots of parents in part think of their kids as young kids even when they’re grown. On its own it doesn’t seem damning.

But…you get a creepy vibe from him. These are just a couple of the things you’ve managed to articulate from your interactions so far. So I’m not suggesting you’re wrong to be alarmed.

Nevertheless, I don’t think it’s anything you can raise to anyone at the moment. The only thing I can really think of is, if the opportunity presents itself, befriend the daughter.

Edingril · 05/10/2024 06:09

OK so you are wanting permission to interfere, so what do you want to do call the police and say,what? Report it to his boss or wife?

What do you actually want to happen?

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 05/10/2024 07:09

"The girls" or "my girls" wouldn't alarm me - I think that a lot of people use that term.
The "kiss and cuddle" thing is strange - do you think that he may mean "a hug and a kiss"? My grown children quite naturally give myself and my husband a kiss on the cheek and a hug whenever they see us?
It's his choice of words that cause pause - if he had said: "I wonder whether she just wants us to stay up to welcome her home with a hug..." I would doubt that you would have given it anymore thought?
I don't think that there's much that you can do (being as the daughter is an adult) even if you are concerned at this point...
Maybe just make a note of things he says that worry you? I don't want to tell you that you are mistaken here because I don't know what else has worried you about him and, all too often, bad things happen and someone will be on TV going on about how they "thought he was odd for a long time..."
Better to be over cautious than ignoring red flags, so maybe just start documenting the things that concern you about this man to be safe? Like, if you end up with with a book the width of a dictionary or similar maybe get someone with knowledge of the law to look over it? I don't know what else to advise really as it could be something needing intervention or it could be perfectly innocent. 🤔

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