So hello, my first topic here and I could really use some advice, genuine from heart if possible. I am not a native english speaker so please accept my apologies if I write some nonsence. So I am a 24 year old guy from the balkans. I was raised in an unfunctional family where my parents would constantly fight. My mother is hate to say it a person who can destroy your selfesteem. She did it to me, during my 24 years she would mock me of my looks, saying "which girl would want you / look at yourself etc. I have never had a girlfriend, I am a good looking guy, I am skinny but I have nice face just I dont practice but I am affraid of girls. i have fear that I will meet a girl like my mother and whenever I had dated a girl, I would stop everything and back off. I also never kissed a girl up till I was few days in my 23rd year. However I snapped. All of my friends had girlfriends and were changing them like socks, my female friends were constantly ending in hookups and I was doing bad on colegge, I had no personal luck with girls and one night I snapped and I decided that maybe the end of my problems is if I go to an escort as I read on internet that it helped some people. I also read that it destroyed some people but I felt I am allready destroyed. So after turning 23 and after another unsuccessfull set of dates I visited an escort however I payed huge amount of money if she could prove me she was clean. So ... I did it. The girl liked me and gave me her number. I went home realising sex is nothing but same evening I cried for the first time in 2 years realising that I had my first kiss over there and lost my virginity. I could not sleep properly for 7 days and my excuse to parents was "I had exams". But I dodnt stop there. My best friend had luck with girls and I told him what I have done and he told me that he had same feeling of shame and he lost it when he slept with another girl so in the mess of not being myself in the stress, in the period of 10 day after I went for the second time. The irony is, I am sometimes still in Contact with the second girl who also gave me her number while I blocked the first one in that 7 days of initial disguist period. 3 months have passed and I calmed myself down and started dating one girl and guess what.. she kissed me and I didnt enjoy the moment because I thought If I only waited. But I realised I was more confident after my experience. I could finally look into girls eyes which previously I couldnt do. So as I am a guy who is 24 who never got drunk, never tried a cigarette never did drugs or nothing but this. I started to feel bad that I cant be honest with her about my past. It started to kill me in the inside. I decided to go every week to a psychologist and I still do for last 7 months. She advises me not to tell it to futire relationships but I feel honesty is needed. But I think that no matter how good guy I actually am and have this flaw, nobody will accept me or understand me. So I can really use the help here. What should I do. Should I keep my mouth closed, tell all the things or be honest about just the one of the 2 times. And secondly. How to get over it, I barely sleep for last 7 months because I have no solution to my own mistake. Thank you so much and hopefully you understand my position