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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH and I have split up...

16 replies

ifeelcheated · 22/04/2008 16:00

DH and I have split up after (almost) 10 years together, married for nearly three of those and have 2 DC's 6 and 2.5. Things weren't right for a long long time and I held it together, forgiving what some would deem unforgivable and trying to forget things he had done. To cut a very long story short, he has a drink problem and his drinking has ruined every occasion I have ever looked forward to. I was 30 in April and just after christmas my sister had organised a surprise party for me, he blurted it all out one night in January and made me feel guilty every day after for it. Christmas was really miserable and I decided something had to be done, I have tried and tried to make him happy but I had ran out of what to try next, so I started going to counselling - he wasn't interested as it was me with the problem - to try and deal with it, however, the final straw was mother's day, i bought my own card but he didn't even ask them to write it, they didn't even know it was mother's day. After a counselling session I decided to call it a day, he seemed very relieved at first and was happy to leave there and then. For the next 2 weeks I didn't see him, he didn't help with the DC's, etc. Then he went through a week of begging me to come back, then after that he hates me. He has continually let the DC's down, refusing to come and see DS1 when he was ill even though he promised to do so. He now tells me that he has someone else, and that they sat down 18 months ago and discussed getting together, he would have left me when DS2 was only 7 months old, it makes sense now why he was not bothered and why my best efforts were a waste of time, I feel so betrayed and angry. Regardless of this he has told everyone in the village we live that we have split up because I had been having an affair. I moved out at the weekend into a rented place (we own the house) just to get away from him and his constant barging into the house. He has punched a huge hold in the door in his rage and says that he will hunt down my new DP. He was screaming down the phone at me and his mum was there too. Today I find that he has left the dog on his own at the weekend and my neighbour caught me this morning to tell me that he had been barking all night, he knows how upset I was at leaving the dog behind, he doesn't seem to have any regard for anything. Even after finally getting away from him, he is determined to make me live my life in fear

OP posts:
WillyWonka · 22/04/2008 16:07

How awful for you IFC

I can't offer any advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered and hope that someone with something constructive to say will be along soon. Hope that you and your lovely dc's are able to build a safe and happy life together.

ifeelcheated · 22/04/2008 16:28

I think of myself as a nice person, I'm a good Mum (he doesn't think so), I don't get out much but this is why he is so taken with the other one, she drinks all day like him, she smokes (so he has started again) and he says she is totally on his wavelength, I just feel so so sad that he told me this, I think I would rather have not known

What really gets me is that I desperately wanted a third baby, don't ask me why with him, perhaps it was another thing I thought would make it work (I don't think that now) but he was adamant no more, he is 33, she is 25 and she wants kids, he said he would do that for her. I have given him everything and he has thrown the lot back at me.

OP posts:
Miggsie · 22/04/2008 16:37

Don't ever go back to this man, he is selfish through and through. He is just saying things to upset you, he probably does not care for this new person really, it is just a means to get at you.
He will soon treat her the same way as he treated you as he is not at all nice.
If he drinks he will be controlled by his drink, my BIL was a drink ridden sod for 20 years, thought of nothing but himself...no one could live with him except his equally drink ridden girlfriend. They had kids and ignored them.
Concentrate on building a new life for yourself, don't worry what he says round the village I'm sure your old neighbour will work out what is going on.

Can you rescue the dog?

He doesn't think you are a good mum because being a mother means you pay attention to the children and not him...I would not pay any attention to what he says. Alcoholics don't have the best value system or judgement. My SIL belted her kids when she couldn't find her wine bottle, she thinks SHE is a good mum...ha ha NOT. Anything alcohlics say is motivated by their own selfishness.

jabuti · 22/04/2008 16:44

im sorry about your situation, i do hope you sort things out soon.

i dont want to sound crazy, but is the dog with you now? i just worry about animals because they are so vulnerable and cant do much without our help.

littlewoman · 22/04/2008 16:49

Oh, they all say that they totally 'relate' to each other. But if it wasn't her it would be somebody else. It's symptomatic of his inability to accept the consequences of his own life choices and his own responsibilites. It doesn't make you a bad perosn or her a good one, IFC. It makes him a bloody lightweight. I'm so sorryfor you.

Know how you must feel as I've had it done to me, but please don't think the problem is with you, if you know in your heart that you are a good person

littlewoman · 22/04/2008 16:50

Yes, perosn IS a real word!

ifeelcheated · 22/04/2008 17:10

jabuti the dog has been sorted, I adore that dog and there was no way I would ever see him come to any harm

OP posts:
ginnedup · 22/04/2008 18:36

IFC - so sorry to hear you are going through this. You have absolutely done the right thing for yourself and your dc and I'm sure they will thank you for it when they are older.
Of course his new gf is on his wavelength if she drinks all day too - I would say they deserve each other.
Its not too late for you to meet someone else and have more dc, only next time with someone who will be a good dad (and take on your lo's too) and treat you like you deserve.
Good luck

ginnedup · 22/04/2008 18:36

come and join us!

jabuti · 22/04/2008 21:12
Grin
OLIVIASMAMA · 22/04/2008 21:53

Same old, same old. The mans on some sort of ego trip with this 25 year old and good - let him go ahead and have a child with her, his bank balance will suffer like hell when it comes to paying both you and her maintenance, whilst he, in the meantime will be moving on to the next girl.

Congratulations on your escape, he sounds horrible. Be brave, your future is so bright.

dizzydixies · 22/04/2008 21:57

move back into the house, change the locks and chuck him out, let him go and bloody live with her but you keep the dog

why should you have to uproot yourself and the kids because of him and his terrible behaviour?

get to a solicitor and start proceedings and if he punches another hole in anything phone the police and have his violent temper recorded

arse

sorry you are going through all this

AtheneNoctua · 22/04/2008 22:00

He is a raging alcoholic and he is trying desperately to control you. You are better off without him. He is sick and you have made a lucky escape.

I grew up in an alcoholic home. It was not fun. Your kids are better off with you haveing removed them. You have done the best thing for them that you possibly could.

(((hugs)))

LadyBabo · 22/04/2008 22:15

I grew up in an alcoholic home too.

His bitterness will deepen.

He will end up lonely and alone, or sick with someone just like him.

Don't let him drag you and your dc's down with him.

Makes me very that you and your dc's have been through all this.

Shitemum · 22/04/2008 22:20

Move back in or you could lose your home.
Sorry you have this shit of a man giving you so much grief.

littlewoman · 23/04/2008 11:48

I grew up in an alcoholic home too. I have serious problems with confrontation, expressing my own anger, self-esteem, etc. If your dp is an alcoholic, it is better for you all in the long run that you are apart. Though it will hurt like to begin with ((())) Sorry you are going through this.

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