Who should make plans with in laws?

[Hedgehogdetective]

My husband is the type to never reach out to make plans with people. This includes his family, who all live 20 mins away. Over the years we’d see his family a few times a year, mainly Xmas and if we were invited out for bdays. This was very different to my family who we’d see at least weekly, text daily.

Things changed when we had a baby. Looking back I realised I never got any messages from his parents asking how my pregnancy was or any messages after baby arrived. My husband and I have a group chat with his mum but she’d message sporadically and mainly about herself. She’s not very talkative in general.

After our baby came his in laws rarely visited but I heard they were telling people they were desperate to visit. This confused me because if that’s the case then make plans? Reach out? I asked my husband why his parents had only met this grandchild once in 6 months when they’re retired and I know they aren’t busy (if I asked what they were up to at the weekend they’d reply “nothing”). He said his family are the type to not ask as they don’t want to intrude.

i posted before about how I had issues with my MIL. I’ve now made it so that my husband makes all the plans with his family to see their grandchild. However my husband barely sees them because he is so low effort. A relative said that him doing all the planning with his family is a “bad idea” as they will think the reason he doesn’t visit is because of me (?) and not because he is lazy and can’t be bothered. I don’t think this is fair because I don’t understand why the onus is on me to make plans to visit his family?

Also worth mentioning that his family are the type where I’ll message saying it would be nice to catch up, they’ll say yeah, I’ll ask when they’re free and not get a reply.

you’ll maybe ask why does it matter, it’s really upsetting me and caused a lot of stress and strain in my marriage. I’ve been accused by his family of excluding his mum despite me making a lot of effort to invite her over and she had seen my baby the most out of everyone, but because I cancelled on her a few times because I’m depressed (she also cancelled on me and I got over it cos things happen). I’ve basically been told I’m a bad person for cancelling and this has really distressed me. I feel so guilty and ashamed for having depression and not being able to be strong enough.

i posted before about how I had issues with my MIL.

well knock me down with a feather

it’s really upsetting me and caused a lot of stress and strain in my marriage. I’ve been accused by his family of excluding his mum

what family?
to your face?
and you DH just kept quiet?

it is normal for the family that’s had the baby to invite people on a date and time that suits them

So perhaps they’re being considerate and not wanting to force themselves upon you

Should I have been the one inviting them or my husband?

His sister, she was talking to her relatives about one occasion where I cancelled on MIL. Didn’t mention all the other times we’d made plans and she’d spent time with me. So they only heard one version of events and went with it.

your husband

either way, is it really that cumbersome to drop a text… do you want to swing by for a coffee next sunday afternoon?

So…. once?

Like I said, it was me making all the effort and reaching out. My husband never asked them and they never asked me. When I was depressed I stopped asking and they didn’t reach out. They would then say to other people they were desperate to visit but they’d never ask

Its his family. He can/should handle the baby viewings. Just take that attitude. If his sister is slagging you off just shrug it off. If anyone brings it up to you just say “Yes, isn’t it odd! The whole family couldn’t organize themselves to pour piss out of a boot. My dh and his mother just will have to figure it out.”

is your baby 6 months?

Send a message on the group saying to let you know when they'd like to visit. Just be open, keep it breezy and don't worry about who should or shouldn't be contacting the other. Sounds like your MIL doesn't want to visit but wants to blame you - don't give her the opportunity.

Who's normal is it? As I've never heard of this before.

People I've known have always just turned up to visit. We do the same. Never heard of giving/receiving invites to visit. Only on MN.

Op i have just read your other thread

Your husband sounds diabolical

You already seem acutely aware of that fact though

wtf

you seriously just turn up? not dropping them a message “are you free”?

Nothing, just precisely when suits you?

I guess most people have a closer relationship with their own parents than their in laws (but not always)

If you want your child to have a relationship with its fathers family then you will probably have to actively make the effort.

If you're not bothered then leave it your DH.

the fact @Anywherebuthere has never waited for an invite and just turns up unannounced… would indicate to me this poster isn’t someone you want to be taking advice from!

If you’re on Mat leave, I think it’s up to you to organise your time on weekdays. If this was weekend plans with your husband, then that’s something for you to discuss together.

Honestly I've never really understood the whole "his family - he makes contact, her family - she makes contact" thing on Mumsnet. We both make contact, whoever has the phone in their hand, or whoever was already in a conversation with the person, or whoever wants to, it just depends, there are no rules around it! I see my OH's family as my family now too, I visit without my OH if he isn't available, and he is the same with mine.

I stopped making plans with the inlaws after SIL began drip feeding little nuggets of information about my DH. things like.. he was unfaithful too his ex wife (i am 99.9% certain that my DH would never be unfaithful to anyone, i agree there is a small chance it could happen, but sometimes you just know), that he beat his children (yet he was given full custordy of all 3 of his kids and his EW was granted supervised visits only), and there was another more nasty and serious story which to be fair was probably true which didn't involve my DH but made me question her morals!

I vowed that day i would stop making all the effort on behalf of DH.. its been 2 years now, and he's not made the effort and niether have they.. not my problem!

For more context, in laws are divorced. They don’t want to be in the same room as each other. So I think it’s become a bit of a “competition” in terms of how many times they’ve been invited. I think SIL has stirred the pot as it sounds like she goes between the two and says oh dad saw grandchild last week when was the last time you saw them etc.

i know I shouldn’t care what people think of me but because I am struggling with my mental health the additional stress this has caused hasn’t helped me especially when trying to raise a child as well and being back at work. I spend most days crying whilst my in laws point the finger at me but have never once asked themselves “why doesn’t our son visit and make the effort” instead blaming me

Yikes, I took saw your other thread. Continue to consider divorce, and consider taking action and looking forward to a happy life, rid of this pointless man and his shitty relatives.

🤣🤣🤣

If you are depressed and crying all the time get help! Stop worrying about your dh’s feckless asshole relatives. A total waste of your precious time. They will NEVER care about you or your feelings. Treat them like dirt on your shoe. Don’t bother wondering about it or coaxing it to be less dirty. Just brush it off and walk on.