Devastated at ending a bad relationship

[boringbiscuits]

Namechanging to post this. I've posted before about leaving my husband. We've definitely had our share of issues over the years. I found him on a dating app and a hook up site (no physical cheating I don't think but I realise that's basically irrelevant), there's also been abusive behaviour. Limped along for ages in the hope things would change and eventually got to a point I couldn't do it any more, I was so unhappy. We separated and no longer live together although there's been times we've kept drifting back together and being around each other. But the limbo needs to stop now.

At a point now where I know enough is enough but my god I'm not coping. I've read enough threads on here and seen enough people's experiences to know that things like this don't change for the better. But I miss him so much. Despite all the above, he can be so lovely. I miss that nice side of him so much. I'm not stupid, I know how this works, they're never bad all the time, etc. But I don't think I've quite accepted that in this case. I want to believe that it would be different. My face is sore from crying, I'm not sleeping, I'm being really awful at my job right now, I couldn't go in today because I'm around customers all day. I just want this to stop. I don't want to feel like this any more. It's like an actual physical pain. If he comes back then this would all go away. But then would it.. or would I end up kicking myself. I don't know. But I'm not coping. I can't accept having to sell our house and buy separate homes and not all be together any more (3 children, two in their teens and one still at primary school). It's so hard on my own as well, sometimes I don't feel like I'm cut out for it. We've been together since we were kids ourselves and I can't wrap my brain around not being with him. We've both cried and said how much we miss each other. But I don't want to mess my kids up, I need to do the right thing for them as well. I'm trying to decide what that is. All I know is I've never known pain like this and I just want to do something to make it stop. I feel like if I'm feeling this bad, then surely being apart must be wrong and we should be together? Right?

I'll detail a bit more here about what's actually happened, but will probably edit/delete this bit at some point as I need to be careful. I caught him on Tinder, and chatting to people on hook up sites about meeting up. Like I say I don't think there was any physical cheating, but I know it's still bad. Not only that, but there were other worrying things too that I'd probably ignored for years. There's been times he's said swore at me and insulted me in front of the kids, thrown things and broken them, he's said things and later twisted it or denied ever saying it (I know that's gaslighting). He's accessed my private accounts like email and social media, gone through my phone, checked my location on several occasions. He found several conversations between me and friends where I'd spoken about this stuff and said how unhappy I was so of course he was massively angry and said how betrayed he felt that I'd made him out to be this awful person when he had good reasons for checking this stuff. Oh god I'm so confused by it all now. Maybe I actually shouldnt have done that.

Didn't want to read and run because I can hear how distressed you are.

It sounds like he has treated you awfully, using OLD and hook up sites is incredibly disrespectful and cheating IMO. How do you know he didn't meet up with anyone else? Do you believe him?

He has certainly gaslit you and been very good at turning this around. But, you have been unhappy for ages, limping along, and he's been seeking out other options. Why would you want to be ok that relationship?

For what it's worth, I think it's normal to feel the way you do when a relationship ends (even a bad one). But you say in your OP that it needed to stop, take some time to feel what you feel and be kind to yourself. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like the relationship facilitated that at all.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I too have 3 children and am no longer with their father. The break up devestated me, as what you said about him not being a bad person but had a few bad flaws was my ex also- so I understand your struggle. It is physically painful.

you mentioned that you have been together since you were practically kids, it’s only fair for you to grieve this relationship and give your self a fair shot at life with out him so involved.
he isn’t going away forever or permanently because you have children together. But you owe it to yourself and your children to experience being truly happy alone, and then when your ready maybe try dating.

it took me 3 years to start absolutely loving being alone, at first I hated my own company, the house was too quiet and my life didn’t feel complete.
I got my self to the drs, they gave me a short course of sleeping tablets so I could get my sleep back into a pattern- not sleeping will be adding to how bad you feel. And it will enhance these emotions massively.

resting, looking after yourself and functioning for your children is your number 1 priority.

i PROMISE it will get better. And you will feel so elated that you trusted your instinct. Growth is sometimes painful. ❤️

Thank you so much for this @Outnumberedmummy2022, and I'm sorry it's taken a while to come back to this. It really helps to read things like this, and to know there are others out there who have felt like this and come out the other side, so I really appreciate it ❤how long were you together, and how long have you been split now?

I suppose I don't know 100% that he didn't meet anyone, I'm fairly certain though. But if I hadn't caught him on there when I did and he'd been on there longer, could I confidently say he still wouldn't have? Probably not. It's madness really because it seems like so much has happened since then, all his abusive behaviour and other things, it's like the hook-up site thing has suddenly become a really minor thing. When in reality that on its own would have been enough justification to end it with him back then. I'm embarrassed really at how much I've accepted, and let him get away with.

Well I'm back to remembering exactly why I ended it and how unhappy I was for so long. I know I don't want that back. But missing him last week was like a physical pain. I'm sure when he's nice to me again I'll feel like that again. It's so difficult going between these completely different emotions, I know this constant cycle must be so bad for me but I just don't know how to get myself out of it.

I just wanted to offer support. I left my H 6 months ago and it was such a hard decision, and honestly it is still hard, I am wavering as I just feel so incredibly sad about all that I have lost and I have days where I just want to run back. I think if you choose to stay away you have to treat it the same as any other grief, you will heal slowly, you have to be kind to yourself every day and honestly avoid contact as much as humanly possible outside of handing over DCs. Make changes and new routines/traditions. Me, I have some plans to redo my bedroom and to start exercising a few times a week. I wish you all the strength.

We were together 5 years split up 3 years ago. Kids involved.
when we first met he was amazing. But then the gaslighting, smashing up the house, being a shit parent etc.
he blamed it on depression which I stood by him and tried to help. But he wouldn’t help himself ie drs etc. then he would retreat into the bedroom
no help parenting. Go out just to get drunk. Then I’d dread him coming home as he’d smash it up.

I was terrified of him, but I still remembered the ‘old him’ I used to say. But fake him is what it was.
he has since had 3 relationships he was fab in the beginning and all ended the same reasons mine did. So he will never change.

I was a shell when I left that relationship absolutely broken. No confidence, very depressed and I missed him a lot which I couldn’t understand. But google trauma bond.

I did the freedom project, got on anti depressants and I made sure I got my arse out the house just for a walk every day. And now I’m a completely different person. Happy, content, and it will be you too x