Struggling with negotiating the end of a relationship

[ArtfulBear]

Been with partner thirteen years, have one four year old. I've been unhappy for a few years and believe partner is too, but he is not prepared to attend counselling. I have attended some relationship counselling on my own and have come to the decision that it is best for myself and my son to end things.

I'm finding this so hard. I haven't told him and don't feel I can until I'm ready to go as the atmosphere would be unbearable. I'm struggling with this unexpected wave of grief and trying to let go of all these hopes and dreams for a life and a family I will now never have. I think I'm just looking for some validation that it's okay, I can do this and it will get better.

Is your relationship emotionally abusive because you say the atmosphere will be unbearable when you tell him you’re leaving.

If so, I wouldn’t tell him your plans to leave. Instead I would get everything in place, leave when he’s not around and then email him to explain that you’ve left, that the relationship is over and you will communicate with him only through this email address and only regarding child contact. Then block him I’m everywhere else. Phone, social media, etc.

If the relationship isn’t abusive then you could tell him how you’re feeling and that you think because he’s not willing to work with you on the relationship by attending counselling, etc that you are going to end it. This will give him one last chance to make an effort to save your relationship.

He sulks and creates a lot of tension which I find very difficult. I've tried everything over the past few years, he will not consider counselling which I have requested several times.

I just have to accept that I cannot have the family I want and that to find happiness I have to go and create for myself elsewhere. Oh my though,.the grief. I did not expect to feel so heartbroken.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It does get better. I’m a couple of years down the line and the grief still hits me in odd moments but it’s nowhere near as overwhelming as it used to be.

It’s normal to feel devastated. Give yourself the time you need and move forward when you’re ready.

I'm sorry OP. It is like grief. I left mine about the same time as you, just before I had a child. I just realised I'd never be able to have the relationship I wanted with him, never mind a family too. Certain things that I thought were more changeable and due to upbringing were more ingrained that I thought. I realised that no matter how normal his circumstances were, he'd always be the way he is, and he did something that affected my trust in him permanently.

If he doesn't want to go to counselling, it's likely he's either no longer invested in the future of your relationship, or he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

That’s passive aggressive emotional abuse. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. It sounds like you’re right to end the relationship but if reiterate that you should leave and then tell him it’s over because abuse tends to ramp up when the woman decides to leave. It could easily escalate. Please speak to women’s aid and protect yourself.

And it is grief. You’re grieving the relationship you hoped for. The future you hoped for and planned for. That’s ok. You should allow yourself to grieve. But just remember that life goes on and you can find what you’re looking for, just not with this man. Keep focusing on a future where you don’t have to live with someone who causes a horrible atmosphere, has you walking on eggshells and doesn’t want to work with you. That’s a much better future than the one you’ll have if you stay.

It IS ok. You can definitely do this. And it will get better. I think you’ll be relieved once you’ve done it. Can you start getting some things in place now to smooth and speed along the transition to new life for after you’ve told him you want to go your separate ways?

Thank you all for your kind words. I've booked a day off work next week so that I can do some decluttering with the view of being able to pack up quickly once I go. A friend I trust has also offered to store things so I can start moving bits out in advance to make things easier. I've sent off a couple of enquiries about houses to let too.

He has taken to his bed in a sulk because we ran out of milk last night (we live on the same street as the spar and there was enough for a cuppa when he got in from work) so that's helping in a weird way.