What is proportional

[NotSureFeelingLost]

I have a slightly skewed understanding of what is a proportional reaction to things. My parents were fairly volatile and I was the scapegoat. But also I do tend to over react to small things like losing my keys and getting too hot. So I don’t want to be a hypocrite!

DH was working from home a couple of days ago and had a huge angry outburst at something that had gone wrong. He was really screaming and shouting at the computer. I was in another room but it really frightened me. For a while I was frozen but then I started to exhibit this timid, peace keeping behaviour.

I want to know, are angry outbursts normal? But also am I being controlling to try to manage this behaviour? Do I need to focus on managing my own response?

The vast majority of the time things are normal to great between us, but I find the outbursts really frightening and unpredictable. He then goes off to work and I feel too anxious to function for a few hours.

Theres no one I can talk to in real life about this.

This outburst was in another room, aimed at his computer and was completely to do with something at work? In which case, I'd say your reaction is OTT. It's not ideal but sometimes letting off steam alone i snot unreasonable - I have once or twice literally SCREAMED while in the house alone if I'm frustrated about something.

However, if there is more to this - eg he reacts like this to you sometimes when you do something he doesn't like or make a mistake - or he behaves like this frequently and then has a "hangover" of sorts so you can't do anything normal like make a cup of tea or ask a question, then there IS a problem.

Sorry to hear that you have experienced this. It is normal for people from time to time to get frustrated and maybe shout and scream. However, it should never be directed at anyone, and if it is frequently happening suggests they are not managing the stress in their lives well.
You probably need to suggest that he gets some counselling for stress or anger management and be clear to him that his behaviour is not acceptable to you as it is making you feel uncomfortable.

I’d say there’s a couple of things. His response sounds over the top but you doubt this because your parents trained you to think that’s what adults do. You are sensitive to it, or it affects you more than others as it takes you back to childhood where you were powerless. Were you also shamed for mistakes? That can make you overreact to losing things as you think you will get into trouble or that you are stupid.

I have similar, brought up in a very volatile environment where only adults were allowed to scream and shout, parents always fighting. Went out for dinner and people on the next table an older couple were arguing , I felt physically ill - an extreme reaction as I didn’t know them and I wasn’t affected but it took me back to that awful feeling of being a child.

perhaps have a look at attachment theory, children of emotionally immature parents is also a good book and tell your husband why it affects you . He sounds quite emotionally immature as well but we marry our parents sometimes!

Yeah I agree with this. I would say both my husband & I have probably had a good shout or scream at the Wifi/TV/laptop etc at some point, but neither of us have ever or would ever react like that to each other over something one of us have done and that’s the difference.

Having an outburst at a computer not working etc can be really normal, having an outburst at your partner over something they’ve done is not.

Thanks. It is reassuring to know what is within normal behaviour. I have been really trying to manage my response. I feel like I am always on high alert when he’s home, which is probably just as annoying to him. I can’t recall a time he has directed this at me, but sometimes it feels like these displays are for my benefit.

HOw often do these outbursts happen? I mean, yes, I've screamed in private now and again, but we're talking a handful of times in the last 10 years. Sometimes I get frustrated and will bang around but actually, I really try not to do that when the family are home as I think it can be a bit disruptive and scary. So now and again, fine. Weekly... less so.

I am also concerned by the line, "it feels like these displays are for my benefit". Because either you are right and they are, in which case there really is a problem here and he is subtly trying to influence/scare/control you (what is it that you think he wants to happen or for you to do when he has these outbursts?) or this is entirely in your head which means you've probably got more issues from your childhood to deal with.

I feel like I am always on high alert when he’s home

How often are these outbursts happening?

sometimes it feels like these displays are for my benefit.

I suppose, to be fair to him, you can't know if he does this while you're out?

@MrSeptember Yes, I think you are right, and the truth is I just don’t know. I do know I have a lot of childhood issues, which I suppose I will always be working on.

@DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace Yes, that’s totally fair, of course! I can’t imagine he’s behaving this way in the office though.

There was a period when these have happened frequently (high stress personally, unexpected death), and I suppose that’s set me up for high alert. I do know that I am over-reactive to noise, one of the things I am trying to work on. I know I’m fallible as anyone. We have talked about it and he is better than he was. I guess also that he is usually very gentle, so this seems so heightened.

I suppose there is also part of me feels that I’m doing all this inner work to heal myself and he’s just screaming and shouting every time something goes wrong. That probably isn’t fair of me.

Hmm, lots to think about.

You're definitely being triggered because of your past. If you didn't have underlying trauma, you wouldn't go into panic mode this easily.
That in itself isn't your fault. But if you were to do nothing to overcome your past trauma, and keep letting it affect the way you react to (harmless) situations, that would be wrong on your end.

The outbursts are a grey area to me. A single isolated incident doesn't sound horrible. If this only happens when he's already on edge, it doesn't happen too often and it's never pointed towards you or any other living being, then fine. You need to learn to not feel responsible for everyone's emotions.
If it's a recurrant thing though, or you experience it as threatening towards you, if he's destructive to his or your property, or if there are children involved witnessing this on a regular basis, then he needs anger management sessions.

@Girlmom35
Thanks, I think you’re probably right. I have really tried to address these issues. I do feel responsible for everyone’s emotions, which I know isn’t right and sometimes I worry I am actually just trying to control things to my liking. And its a long road to overcome these hard-wired responses.