I always get up with the baby, AIBU?

[ov13]

I’ll try to set the scene best I can. My partner has always been a night owl (goes to bed midnight weekdays, 3am weekends) and I’m more of an early bird (10pm weekdays, 11pm weekends). In turn obviously he sleeps in later than I do (8am weekdays, 10am weekends vs 7am & 9am). I also definitely am a higher sleep needs person so often if I’ve had a busy day I’ll happily get into bed at 9pm, and I genuinely enjoy this. Despite how badly he slept the night before, my partner simply does not get into bed before 11pm.

Since our DS was born a year ago, there have been less than 10 instances where my partner has got up with the baby, and only when I’ve specifically asked for it the night before eg on Mother’s Day, my birthday. DS wakes any time between 6 and 7am but doesn’t sleep through the night. My partner works FT in an office, so has long days, which was fine when I was on mat leave. Since I’ve been back at work (1 month), the pattern is no different - I get home from work, put baby to bed, have dinner, watch TV, go to bed at 9pm whilst my partner stays up late. At weekends also I get up with the baby. The only difference between our jobs now is that I work 4 days a week, 2 days at home so I understand that my partner has a more demanding job in that he commutes more.

I’ve said to him several times in the week “I’d really love a lie in this weekend” but then the weekend comes and it’s forgotten about. I feel like I don’t want to nor should have to beg for a lie once in a while - even just every other Sunday would be fine! And I’m not asking to sleep until 11am, I just want to occasionally get up when my body is ready to, not when my baby has woken me.

AIBU?

No! YANBU. We always took turn about at weekends. DH got up early one day, me the other. Fair.

You need to have a conversation, not comments which sound like a request rather than a requirement.

The baby has two working parents, he isn't pulling his weight. You are now dividing the responsibilities equally because you don't want to resent him or negatively impact your relationship. You assume he wants the same.

Unless he wants a divorce or is okay saying I don't love and value the mother of my child, he should step up.

Just another selfish loser.
They don't magically change when you have a baby, they get a lot worse.

You don't ask, you tell him.
Don't have another child with him.

You should get a lie-in. I've got 2 toddlers and I mostly get up for a 1st wakeup because they want me. My husband will do any 2nd wakeup. On the weekend I get up with them on Sat morn and my husband gets up with them on Sun morn. It's just fair and respectful of your partner.

You need an open, direct conversation with him about it where you tell him what you need and how he needs to meet that need. I get some people are night owls and some aren't, but he's a father now, he can't keep going to bed at 3am like a uni student. That's just childish and selfish

Is your partner dealing with any wake ups during the evening/night time when you are asleep?

The concept of night owls and morning larks has been somewhat disproven. Research shows that if you take any group of humans and put them on a mountain camping with no electric light or screens they will fall asleep 30 minutes after sunset and wake up at sunrise. It’s a choice to stay up late watching tv / browsing the internet or whatever he is doing. Your sleep routine is far healthier as well as being conducive to caring for a child.

You need to state, not hint.

”Going forward, I need you to get up Saturday and I will get up Sunday, so we each have one weekend lie in”

How he adjusts his sleep to do that is up to him.

Don't beg him, just tell him - it's his turn to get up with the baby in the morning! Does baby wake in the night? Does he do his fair share of night waking duty?

Yep. This.

Just another selfish loser.

Summed up nicely.
Has he any redeeming features?

You need to have an actual conversation with him. It’s all very well saying you shouldn’t have to - well of course you shouldn’t have to, but if you don’t address it you’ll just be more and more unhappy.

Each get up with the baby one day at the weekend. Up to him what time he goes to bed to enable that.

The two nights before you’re commuting, he gets up with DC during the night. That’s still you doing more nights, which I would say is fair as you have a day off and two days of no commute.

Men like him don't need subtle suggestions.
"I'd love a lie in" really isn't forward enough.

"From now on I'll be sleeping in once a weekend. Do you prefer to wake up with the baby on Saturday on Sunday?"

That seems like a minimum.
Honestly, the idea of him staying in bed while you wake up between 6 and 7 every single morning ir just preposterous.
My husband and I either take turns or we wake up together as a family and we both get the children ready as a family. This would be completely unacceptable to me.

Does he do any of the night time wakings?

Tell him you're having a regular weekend lie in from now on. Pick a day, and that's your morning off. He needs to also do regular nights and/or mornings, you're both working so why should he get better sleep and more time to himself?

When I was on mat leave I had Sunday as my lie in (because my partner was commuting in the week and needed that Saturday morning rest). When I went back to work we took it in turns to do the nursery run, and I do an extra day because I don't work Fridays. Same now we're doing the school run.

You are equals and you are both parents - he doesn't get to opt out of the hard stuff. Tell him, don't beg.

Also, how often does he have your child on his own? I highly recommend finding a reason to regularly leave the house for a few hours at the weekend.

Thanks for your messages everyone, you're right in that I need to be more assertive with this.

For what it's worth, he does have some redeeming qualities; he does most of the cooking, washing up, general everyday cleaning. His love language is gifting so he does often come home with something for me - I just would rather a lie in tbh.

Thanks again, wish me luck on this conversation

Similar over here! But we've had 'that conversation' .. and I've had to explicitly describe:

1. what a lie-in is NOT to me: a lie-in is NOT me getting up with the kids+starting breakfast after attempting to wake him several times and then him joining us 20m or so later, saying I can go back to bed.

1. And what a lie-in IS: me not leaving my side of the bed or barely lifting my eye-mask (I will willingly murmer a good morning and stir myself for a kiddy cuddle before he ushers them out). The baby can be passed to me for a feed a little later on if necessary.

It's an important conversation to have. It's the only way to make it fair. AND stop the resentment building!