If you have a good relationship with your own mum or with your adult children, please share your words of wisdom

[redskydarknight]

I've never had a good relationship with my mother. Basically she lost interest in me when I got to about aged 9 and ceased to be amenable and fun to play with. Over the years I've struggled to change things but last year realised I could no longer cope with my mother's judgemental, controlling and cruel behaviour and am now no contact with her.

This means I have no good role model for a mother/adult child relationship. With my own children now 20 and 18, I'm really conscious that my rule of thumb of "don't do it if my mother would do it" is probably not good enough. I'm terrified that they will go through years unhappily like I did.

If you have a good relationship with your own mum, or have one with your adult children, please can you share your secrets about how you achieved this?

I have an amazing relationship with my mum. I think it's because she has always supported me no matter what, respects my wishes and choices and never passed judgement but gently guided me rather than told me what to do. A big thing is that she never gives her opinion unless I ask for it (my MIL however forces her opinion on my DH and very much parents him still even though he's a grown man and this had subsequently impacted relationship with her).

I have a great relationship with my mum. At this stage in life with young children and a busy household she's really become my favourite person to have around.

No mum is perfect, and the fact that you're so conscious of potential risks means you're probably doing a great job.
Have you asked your children for their input?

I think the only thing that bothers me with my mum is that she can get emotionally overwhelmed and then dump her emotions on me, rather than try to manage them on her own. For example when my kids suddenly delevop a fever, she'll panic, get all worked up and repeat a hundred times that I should take them to a doctor or even to the hospital. So while I'm managing things with my child and trying to make an educated guess as to what's wrong and what next steps I have to take, I'm also left regulating my mothers emotions and calming her down.
So that's something I try not to do. I need to be in charge of my emotions. They are not my childrens responsability.

I'm from a very close knit family. We are all very open and honest with each other and unlike the first poster we do all give our opinions which we value as we know it comes from always being in each others best interests.

My mother is kind and caring and that's the foundation for our relationship.

I do not have any relationship with my mum.

I do have 2 adult kids who have told me that the thing they appreciate most is that I always listen, and if I have fucked up, which we all do, I apologise and own my mistakes.

They know can come to me with absolutely anything and I never judge them as well.

I think @CookieMonster28 has summed it up perfectly. No judgement, keep your opinions to yourself unless asked for.

Be there for support but give space. Be a relaxing person to be around. An interested listener.

I'm actually not that great at this (!) But we have an Aunt in our family that everyone gravitates to. And this is why. She is just easy to be around.

I do understand your problem. I never had a good relationship with my mother - we were polite to one another and she was not cruel in any way - just emotionally neglectful and in a rather difficult relationship with my Dad - and this took up all her time and energy. She was very controlling towards him and this caused us all some pain.

My adult DDs are aware that our relationship was not good and that I regretted this, but they never saw any aggro between us and as far as I was able I modelled polite behaviour towards her.

All of my DDs now have a good relationship with me and I with them - they are kind and loving and I have always gone out of my way to be supportive to them. Sometimes I feel guilty - and even feel I do not deserve this as I was not able to achieve this with my own mother - but we can only do what we can do and work with what we have in front of us.

My rules when relating to my own DDs (that I think have contributed to our good relationships):

• I never criticise
• I never offer an opinion unless asked
• I am always available to them
• I always follow their rules when looking after their chidlren
• I make as few demands on them as I can - this has been hard recently with death of my OH and decline in my health, but I remain as independent as I can be, and for instance, rather than ask for a lift from them, I will take a taxi.
• I still do one school pickup and also help out with other things as asked
• I have never never taken sides between them and their partners, even when openly being invited to do so! And thank goodness I did not, as the couple are now happily together and I could have found myself in an awkward spot!
• I wait to be invited; I never just turn up.
• I accept their choices, even when I have reservations - e.g. in choice of partner, parenting choices etc.
• I take every opportunity to bolster their confidence and support their choices.
• I tell them I love them over and over again!

Go - what a paragon of virtue I am!! But it has paid off for me and for them - it works both ways.

The fact that you are thinking about this means the chances are you will get it right OP!!

I get on with my Mum - but let's concentrate on adult children (I have 2 of those and a "nearly adult"):
The relationship isn't so much built on trying to advise right/wrong as you would a younger child unless your opinion is asked for.
You can be the most annoying person ever with a young adult (my youngest is 17 and she frets about her image) - don't rise to it. Know that they love you really.
My older children are both 20s - there they have the realisation of your efforts when they were growing up...
It's giving support of whatever they wish to achieve - whatever dreams they have. It's about "being there" for them.
It isn't rocket science OP - you can do this! 🌸🌸🌸

I also have a fantastic relationship with my Mum, and she basically did all the things in the list that Mischance posted, other than the not offering opinions/criticism cos it was the 1960s.70s and that's what things were like then!

I have a great relationship with my own dd too, and have broadly followed those rules. Also my Dad used to shout at us a lot which was traumatic so I never shout at her, I can deal with any disagreements without shouting! I do think it is important to acknowledge what you had growing up and pick out the good bits and follow those, and the bad bits and avoid them

The most important thing in my view is to acknowledge that they are their own people and let them get on with their lives without interference, judgement or neediness, tell them you love them and tell them you will always be there for them no matter what.

I think the most important thing, is to allow the natural progression of the parent/child relationship to happen. You will always, always love them beyond anything, but mentally and emotionally you have to allow the ties to evolve. You have to accept that the helpless baby who adored you and accepted your authority without question and loved you unconditionally, is now independent, will judge you on your words, actions and choices, and now has the right to make their own choices and stand on their own two feet. You will always love them and prioritise them a little bit more than they do you, and thats absolutely right and natural. Its when parents try to keep the parental authority, interfere, judge, try to comment or control etc, that I see the problems arise. Embrace this wonderful adult that you have raised, and let them experience their lives.

I have a great relationship with my mum. I was going to write them all out but @Mischance has pretty much covered it! You sound like a brilliant mum :)

My mum is the most selfless and kindest person I know and if I’m 1/2 the mother she has been to me then my little girl will be very lucky indeed.

My mother-in-law often has a fraught relationship with her children because she passes comment all of the time and can come across very judgemental and needy. It is tiring for her children as they feel like they can’t fully relax around her and need to put on a show.

I had a lovely relationship with my Mum until she died. I still miss her 11 years later. I have a good relationship with all my adult 3 DC. All I can advise is it takes 2 to make a good relationship. If your Mum really does not want to do that there is
nothing you can do or say to make them want to have a good relationship with you. I'd advise you to try hard with your DC. Be there for them when they need support but don't push yourself on them when they need space. E.g. invite them around to visit but don't get upset if they say no. Remain friendly even if you feel annoyed inside. Ask if you can visit them on X date. Don't just take it for granted you can go. Don't ever undermine your DC or their partners with their DC. Also be nice and kind to their dp's remember they are your DC's choice so it's not for you to look down on them or criticise. Just remember they are the one that makes your DC happy so make friends with them, include them in any invitations and be generous on their birthdays.

I have a good relationship with my mum because I feel loved by her. She’s sometimes judgemental, unfair, inattentive but I also know that she’s going through her own struggles. She’s not my best friend and she doesn’t know a lot about me but it doesn’t change the fact that we love each other the best way we can, at the capacities we have.
We have actually become closer recently because I have more compassion for her. She’s had a tough life.
I also have an adult daughter and my main goal in my relationship with her is for her to know that she is loved. That I’m her safe place. That she can come to me with anything (and she does) and I will listen and I will be there for her. That she’s allowed to choose her own path and that it may come with consequences.
I have made mistakes as parent and have been carrying a lot of guilt, until my daughter said to me recently: ‘you’ve tried the best you could. I don’t blame you so stop blaming yourself. I know you love me’.
I don’t live with either of them but we are in contact daily, even if it’s just sending some heart emojis.