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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being used ???

51 replies

Mummy3838489 · 03/10/2024 23:53

so I've been with someone for 5 years and they stay with me do no housework pay no money or anything towards anything . Issues with there ex and he plays on games with his kids and I'm not allowed to speak just incase his ex hears me ...he doesn't want to progress with me and our relationship... I've been threw so much hassle with him in the past and abuse from his ex which he allowed to him and to me ... Also his hygiene is awful he goes days with out washing and it makes me really angry I've made comments and he don't seem to care !! Does he really want to be with me. Or am I just good enough at times? He makes out I do nothing for him even though I'm always picking him up when his vehicles break I do his washing and things yet he makes out I'm lazy ... He also plays mind games and makes out he didn't say things when I know he did ...why does he not want to live with me and have a life together ?? And why can he not get it's very unattractive when some one isn't keeping clean there's so much to this I've missed out but I'm so confused am I overthinking it is he a nice person or not? Help AHH

OP posts:
blackpooolrock · 04/10/2024 11:25

If he lives at yours why does it matter if his ex hears you speakingt in the background when he plays games - that makes no sense at all.

I would kick him out quicker than you can say boo. His feet wouldn't touch the ground.

He is using and abusing you.

flower858 · 09/10/2024 10:29

Get rid

Moellen54 · 09/10/2024 10:36

Why are you with him? There is nothing positive in your post about life with him. Id have him out and get on with your life. You may meet someone worth your time, but its not him

TrustTheProcess · 09/10/2024 10:41

I'm so glad you've finally reached a point where you've realised this might not be acceptable behaviour, because it absolutely is not.

Asking in here is the first step, so well done!

Please realise you deserve so much more, put your happiness first and realise you are worthy of better.

IT will feel uncomfortable, but the most rewarding things in life stem from don't things that are scary and make you feel fear.

You will thank yourself in years to come, I promise.

Welshmonster · 09/10/2024 10:43

Take his keys off him next time he is over and don’t let him
back in.

Melonjuice · 09/10/2024 10:46

He is using you for Housing and that’s it. He doesn’t want to be with you. He doesn’t want to be your partner he doesn’t love you doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. He wants nothing to do with you except for what you give him give him some bags, tell him to pack them and tell him to leave the reason why he doesn’t want his ex to hear you is because he doesn’t want her to know about you probably trying to get back with her or worried how she will take it
. He’s not bothered about washing because he doesn’t care for a relationship with YOU. When you love somebody and want to be with them, you want to be clean for that person
he is blaming his shit life on you that’s why he’s not paying for anything because he thinks you owe him for the trauma of living somewhere, he probably really doesn’t want to be
. He doesn’t want to be with you get it through your head. You know the answer to this question already, if he does be nice to you, it’s on a friend level -he is not your man doesn’t want to be . I know it’s really hard to hear, but sometimes you just have to hear these kind of words to make yourself realise you’re worth

please get rid of him stop allowing this and start working on your self esteem because you are accepting this and there is a reason why deep within yourself
stop wasting any more of your years with this Leach!!

Candystore22 · 09/10/2024 10:48

The sex must be absolutely amazing if you’re still putting up with this behaviour and his unwashed body.

GreenFields07 · 09/10/2024 10:56

Christ on a bike, get yourself to therapy asap. But dump his ass first. Seriously you need to figure out why you're accepting this type of behaviour and letting someone treat you like this, and also work out how to never let it happen again.
OP come on you know this isnt normal or you wouldn't even be writing this post. Get rid of him, like right this second, have some respect for yourself. Id happily be single over putting up with crap like this. You cant seriously be this desperate for a man that this is the bar youve set.
Trust me your life will be a million times better alone than living like this.

Azandme · 09/10/2024 11:26

The first time someone tried to tell me I couldn't speak in MY house would be the last time they were in it.

The13thFairy · 09/10/2024 12:09

He is abusing you, and you show your appreciation every day. Dream of a life where you don't thrive on mistreatment, and move towards it.

Kittyloulou · 09/10/2024 14:19

This has got to be a wind up

Opentooffers · 09/10/2024 14:32

Why are you passively putting up with this instead of chucking him out? Your place, your rules. Why does a man like this exist? They just do in life. Why does he do it all? Because you are the one letting him, no other reason. The more you list of his failings, the dafter you look.

Devon23 · 09/10/2024 15:29

Imagine your best friend wrote that - what would you do? (if it was my best friend, I'd be kicking his ass to the kerb for her). Little sit down chat, its been great but yeah time to move on - no begging or upping attention for 2 weeks then back to same old shix. Your no ones doormat

AW24 · 09/10/2024 17:28

Get rid

Mmhmmn · 09/10/2024 18:07

Once you understand this that @Opentooffers said, it'll help you to see clearly and put a stop to it.

Why does he do it all? Because you are the one letting him, no other reason

It's your place, you can stop it and only you. Either read him the riot act or just kick him out. It IS that simple.

Jaybail · 09/10/2024 18:19

I am a chronic people pleaser, always try to make life easier for others but even I would not put up with this. Are you afraid of being alone? You have nothing to gain from this relationship and seem to have completely lost your self respect.
Rid yourself of this leach, regain your home and rebuild your life.

Bonbon249 · 09/10/2024 19:52

Dear heaven, woman! Get a spine and some self respect and toss this utter waste of carbon out immediately. Change the locks and block him everywhere! Call the police if needs be.

AuntieLemonade · 09/10/2024 20:05

Joke post

surely…

1HappyTraveller · 09/10/2024 22:49

Why the hell are you settling for this?

Jl2014 · 09/10/2024 22:53

Not enough facepalms in the world for this one

crockofshite · 09/10/2024 23:03

LTB.

Next ......

whsm17 · 09/10/2024 23:11

I'm mad about you not speaking incase his ex hears you ???? That's a huge red flag , he must b a liar too , you are being used he isn't putting any effort you aren't his Mom , it's not too late pls dump him .

TillyKister · 10/10/2024 04:26

I'd be glad if this guy was in another country to me, let alone living with me 🤢

He sounds revolting.

You know he's using you OP, you know this isn't a relationship. Kick him to the kerb, and move on.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 10/10/2024 10:44

Do you really need strangers on the internet to give you this answer?? Read it back and think what advice you would give to someone in this situation!!

Get out, he’s bringing nothing to the table!

Shadylady52 · 11/10/2024 08:37

Get him out. He's a freeloader. You are worth more than this individual. He's a lazy good for nothing. Your allowing him to abuse you. Pack his bags 🎒