Boyfriend says he can’t love me

[Melonjuice]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for one year now . I’ve developed strong feelings for him and thought I loved him , he lives about 15 miles away and because of my work patterns I generally only see him once a week. he also made it clear that this was good for him because he likes his space. We always talk before bed in the mornings and throughout the day
in the beginning, he said he didn’t want a relationship, but as time went on, we ended up together. Ever since then he has been confusing towards me -one month he would say he doesn’t really want to be in a relationship but will try with me the next month he will say he’s sorry and we should make things work
today I ended things because he said that he cannot love me and does not have the capacity to love anybody because of his personal situation ( financial problems, mood swings ect) I don’t know if he has wasted my time or if it was me pulling the wool over my own desperate eyes that I allowed this situation for so long . I still feel like messaging him.
I really feel like he has wasted my whole time and feel very hurt . I spent 13 years in an abusive relationship with the father of my child who I left 3 years ago and it took me a very very long time to get over him. I left him despite loving him so much. He constantly cheated on me and treated me like a flat mate rather than a partner and never ever showed me affection- he hadnt kissed me on the lips for at least six years He also hit me many times
now this abusive ex partner is settled down with a lovely girl with a place of their own, planning their future whilst I sofa rot at home wondering what the fuck is so bad about me that I can’t be loved and wasted the best years of my life with him when he promised me so much and wasted another year with somebody else

. I’m 45 years old. I’m told I look younger and that I’m attractive. I have a good job. I’m kind to people, i make sandwiches for the homeless if I’ve got spare, I listen to people, I don’t argue back just what is so horrible about me that I was treated this way for so long

i tried online dating in the past but found men were only looking for sex
my sister who never wanted a relationship and children bless her is getting married next year. My best mate Who has been single for five years has just moved in with somebody and I feel like I’ve been destined for the bin
I feel so embarrassed to say that I am incredibly lonely, depressed and fed up

my daughter is 10 next month, and I am really trying to focus on her and her school work, but when she goes to bed I’m here on my own, watching endless Facebook reels or TV, I feel like if it wasn’t for my daughter, I would have nothing else to live for. Before I had my daughter, my ex ( her dad ) coerced me into having an abortion. He screamed and shouted at me so much I went ahead with it because I was scared of being pregnant and his reaction. Now I only have one child, at least if I had 2 I would be less lonely. I often sit in silence, not know what to do with myself and I feel so fucking lame and a waste of air
I’m sorry to bother you all with my stuff I don’t expect any responses just wanted to vent this out

You have done the right thing by ending it OP- you are worth more than this.

Your abusive ex is responsible for his behaviour, nothing you did caused it. Equally, your inconsistent ex is also responsible for his behaviour. You are not unlovable, you've just been unfortunate to meet horrible men.

Is it possible for you to talk to a local domestic abuse organisation or your GP and see if you can get some counselling? Do you have friends who you can spend time with and just take the focus off dating for a bit?

It's a difficult situation OP, I was also in an abusive relationship and I have been single since due to health issues. I'm wishing you and your daughter the very best. I'm sure you are everything to your little girl and she is lucky to have you as her mum

Didn't want to read and run.
It's lovely that you and your daughter have eachother. I understand you have some complex feelings about your abortion but even if you had another child with you, I would encourage that you do some counselling.

I have also been in an abusive relationship so I know it can affect self-esteem. You are worthy of love. Also you mentioned a few people that are finding love or moving in etc. Just think, if it can happen for them it can happen for you too!

Sending love your way xx

Well done for ending it.

Reading your post...the phrase 'we accept the love we think we deserve' springs to mind.

This man told you for a year he was not looking for a relationship.

Stab in the dark here but- Did you hang on because you thought 'if he changes his mind, then that makes me worthwhile, loveable, valid'.

Or, perhaps even as a form of self harm? In that you don't think you are deserving of love and being with him... ...reinforced that somehow.

Or maybe because your ex made you feel unloved, it was all you knew so you picked it again?

Listen up, you are loveable. You are worthwhile. You are valid. You matter.

If a man literally tells you he doesn't want what you want, don't hang around trying to change his mind. He won't love you and it'll become this never ending cycle of self fulfilling profecy.

Stop looking for men to convince hoping that doing so will convince you to love you.

Convince yourself. I know that can be a hard thing to do. But It sounds like you are gearing up to take that step. You should be proud of yourself for ending this toxic cycle with this guy.

Now your journey to self love and acceptance can begin. If you are willing to let it.

Please also do the freedom program online before dating again. When that time comes. To help stop you ending up with another abuser. But for now, take a year single and focus on funding your joy and learning to like your own company. Future you will thank you

Hi OP I think maybe take a break from relationships and start a few hobbies or groups if you can, obviously not easy with having a ten year old but if you have any spare time take up an interest or online study that interests you. Decide you are going to put you and your child first. Take a break from finding someone to love you and work on really learning to love yourself. I have recently found Aaron dougherty (spelling?) On YouTube I can wholeheartedly recommend him and what he says about living in your frame. Xx

1. You haven't healed yet, you deserve so much better this new man is manipulating you.
2. Your experience life won't be as lovely as it seems remember who he is.

Agree with pp love yourself so much that you have firm boundaries, that you need nothing from anyone but you and onky let in people that bring peaceful life

You did the right thing by ending this relationship with this man. You need to get some counselling and help to heal from this and your previous abusive relationship.

Please focus on the good things, your child and the fact you are learning what you are worth. You are worth more than these horrible men who treat you badly or waste your time.

Agree with BoogieNitesss

"I think maybe take a break from relationships and start a few hobbies or groups if you can, obviously not easy with having a ten year old but if you have any spare time take up an interest or online study that interests you. Decide you are going to put you and your child first. Take a break from finding someone to love you and work on really learning to love yourself."

You have been through a lot but you can have a brighter future and find your own way ahead.

You sound so vulnerable, and you’ve experienced so much hurt and pain. The only things you need to do are to look after yourself and your daughter. A partner is likely to bring more damage because you’ve not been able to heal from what has happened in the past. Beyond looking after yourself and your daughter, try to invest in friends, and build up some support networks. Find hobbies and interests. Go outside for fresh air and exercise, go to the library. I don’t know if you work or volunteer - find meaning in these things. You have inherent value just in being yourself. Wishing you all the best (p.s. you are better without this man, he did string you along, but forget him and think only of yourself and your child now).

Well done for ending this "relationship" with someone who was just playing games.

Now block him and don't get sucked back in.

Thank you for all your lovely replies I will definitely look at doing the activities suggested and thank you for taking the time to respond x

You have to stop thinking you are trash just because you weren't in the right relationship, it's not a reflection of your worth, being single a good while Will hopefully bring that realisation.