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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice needed on marriage through grief

4 replies

JaSdaisy · 03/10/2024 21:07

Sorry for the long post. I'm a F married to M with 2 children, aged 7 and 8. My dad is currently at the end stages of cancer and we are all struggling to come to terms with it and worried for what's to come (end of life etc). I'm not coping with it well and it's been a tortuous 2 years with treatments not working and progressive illness. My husband and I haven't been getting on well at all through it all and he's barely supported me through these tough times. I've been unable to be intimate with him (probably due to depression due to coping with my dad's illness and various other issues following my 2nd daughter's birth) and recently he told me he can't stay in a sexless marriage and I think he wants to leave me but can't bring himself to say it because of me being close to losing my dad. He had an emotional affair with another woman 2 years ago (just after my dad's diagnosis) and I've struggled to forgive him for it. I'm at a loss what to do. I don't think I want him to go but our marriage is not really a marriage now. I wanted to work on it and we did couples therapy for a while which he stopped. Am I crazy to still want to make the marriage work or am I right in being furious with how he's treating me through the worst years of my life?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 03/10/2024 21:27

Cut him loose, he’s already cheated.

stichguru · 03/10/2024 21:30

Sorry to say your marriage isn't working. You either have to both decide you WANT and WILL put the effort and time in to make the other happy, or you need to go your own ways.

JaSdaisy · 03/10/2024 22:07

Thanks. I know, that's what we need to do. I've asked him to write a letter explaining what he wants from the marriage as our conversations are so confusing. But my head is so overwhelmed I don't know what I want. I can't imagine a life without him but we've been married 10 years, together for 17 and I don't know if it's just because I know no different.

OP posts:
Iloveshihtzus · 03/10/2024 22:11

Both my DH and I went through separate periods of having terminally ill parents. We had young children at the time. Both of us managed to be there for the other one in their time of grief .

I think your marriage is over - who the hell has an emotional affair when their spouse’s parent has been diagnosed with cancer??

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