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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you suggest I deal with Christmas and the kids

12 replies

Stressingxxxalready · 03/10/2024 19:38

Split up with the children's dad 4 and half years ago. Only managed to sell our house 11 months ago. I now rent. We have 2 children in primary school. I've spent the last 3 Christmas at the house we shared and we just went along with it.

I have mixed emotions as it was me who ended things and he still to this day is abit over familiar. I live in a bungalow now. Very opened planned. He just walks in and will walk straight through the house into the bedrooms etc to speak to me. I dont mind him coming in and we aren't enemies but I sometimes feel I've allowed him to be too familiar here. We do the odd day out with the kids but i find it cringe sometimes.

Anyway Christmas this year. I genuinely would rather not have dinner with him and spend the day with him. But I already know he will want that. I'm in a sort of relationship with someone else now and he won't want me choosing my ex over him all Christmas. That said he won't be here Christmas morning. I dont know what to do. I've bought the kids bits already. He's said he can pay towards. I dont want that. I want him to buy stuff for his house from him. I'm just too polite and don't know how to discourage him. I want my kids Christmas morning. I fully understand he wants them too. I think he should go to his mums or something and be with his family then maybe pick them up and have some of the afternoon with them. But I already know he will cry and get depressed.

What would you do?

OP posts:
TwinklyNight · 03/10/2024 19:48

Tell him.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 03/10/2024 19:54

Keep your door locked for starters. Instill some boundaries op. You owe it to your new relationship!! Either split the day - you have eve /morning and lunch.. Ex can have afternoon and boxing day. Suggest a swap next year... Presume he is an ex for a reason. No harm your dc knowing he isn't the best mate you want round at Christmas!! Gives them a straight picture and may give them the confidence not to hang out with people they don't particularly like also!!

Stressingxxxalready · 03/10/2024 19:57

I am going to have to speak up aren't I. I will have to say we will split the day and if he wants dinner with his family etc. I dont mind if I have mine from dinner. It is what it is I guess I feel guilty.

OP posts:
Serene135 · 03/10/2024 20:04

You need some boundaries. I think sharing the kids between you at Christmas is a good idea (AM and PM).

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 03/10/2024 20:07

You don't have to split the day but you do need to share fairly. Could one of you have them Christmas Eve until 6pm and then collect at 10am Boxing Day and swap the following year. It's not nice for kids being moved around on Christmas Day itself.

Just tell him "Steve, since I've moved into the bungalow now I need to put in some boundaries. Please don't just walk in to my house and bedroom and I'll offer you the same courtesy. Now, onto Christmas arrangements, what days are best for you to have the kids?"

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 03/10/2024 20:08

"I think sharing the kids between you at Christmas is a good idea (AM and PM)."

For the parents maybe. My poor niece when she gets packed off just as the fun starts though Sad

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/10/2024 20:17

@Stressingxxxalready why in the world are you allowing him to just walk into and around your house now??? he should not be in your house full stop!! he can collect children at the gate. you really need to formalise things now because he is getting into the idea that he still has rights to be around you and your kids any time he wants!!! stop it now! how can you have a relationship when your ex just wanders into your house without so much as a by your leave??? change the locks so that door is locked and can only be opened from the inside. do not allow him into your home! it is YOUR home and not his!!

Singleandproud · 03/10/2024 20:18

What we do is 12 noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day and alternate.

Yes, having Christmas morning is nice but unless you are religious it really doesn't matter actually it's easy enough to recreate the whole of Christmas eve / Christmas day on the 27th and 28th.

Start the advent calendars later so that they align with 'your' Christmas
Book panto for 'your' Christmas eve - bonus tickets are cheaper
Christmas stockings - you can nip to the shops and buy the reduced gift bits for the stockings, and M&S for their nice Christmas treats
Open presents and have Christmas dinner etc as you normally would

Enjoy actual Christmas day with your boyfriend/family drinking and eating chocolate and watching grown up Christmas TV and resting.
Your children get to spend the whole time at whichever parents it is and possibly their extended family without missing out on the family meal or being whisked away from their toys or having two Christmas dinners or the emotions of going from one home to another.

I also wouldn't have him wandering around your home. DDs dad has never even set foot inside my house. Its nice to get on to attend school functions and sports events together but very confusing for children when their parents still act as a couple and almost carry on as normal. They'll never accept a new partner of you chose to introduce them whilst dad is heavily on the scene.

AgnesX · 03/10/2024 20:47

He's your ex. Of course you have to tell him.

Apart from anything else it's only fair to everyone involved.

kayla12345 · 03/10/2024 20:52

Christmas Eve until 2pm Xmas day then 2pm Xmas day Til 6pm Boxing Day. Alternate each year

Chillilounger · 03/10/2024 21:02

Change your locks. Don't give him a key. Don't invite him in. Arrangements via text only. Tell him you want to have an agreement on how to split Christmas day so you can make your own plans. He doesn't need to know what you are doing. None of his beeswax.

Sepoctnov · 03/10/2024 21:07

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 03/10/2024 20:08

"I think sharing the kids between you at Christmas is a good idea (AM and PM)."

For the parents maybe. My poor niece when she gets packed off just as the fun starts though Sad

I feel the same and because of that I am inviting Ex H over for Christmas. It's for our DC. I'll just have to set some rules about him mucking in.

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