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Am I wrong

10 replies

ByGoldQuail · 03/10/2024 09:55

I'm having issues with my husbands drinking

I like having a few drinks in the house while watching movies with my husband. I love spending time with him in the house or going out for drinks.

It started a few years ago when I would go to bed at midnight or 1am after having a bottle of wine and a few spirit mixers at the weekend. I would later wake up in bed at 5am and he would still be downstairs drinking alone. I would be conscious if we had made plans the next day and it usually ruined them as he would be tired and want to sleep the next day.

We went on holiday to Spain and a few of us went out for drinks. We all decided to go home to enjoy the next day. He took me back to the hotel around midnight, I took my make up off and got ready for bed and he then said he would be going back out alone. I was shocked he would leave me and go out alone. I again woke at 6am and he was still not back. I decided to go for a morning walk to the beach alone to clear my head. When he got back he was worried about where I was and out of spite I ignored the calls. I sent him a photo of the beach as he was so worried about me but didnt consider i might worry about him. He didn't think he had done anything wrong and called me boring for wanting to go home with everyone else.

We were away again and had a great day out and went to a concert. We had a few glasses of wine and I had some cider at the show. He wanted to stop by a bar on the way back and I was happy and ordered a small beer as I didn't want to drink much more. The final call rang and he started desperately goggling where we could go next as the bars were all closing. I wanted to go home so we could enjoy the next day as I had hoped we could go to the shopping centre before our flight. We were also staying with my sister on her working day and thought it was rude to turn up really late at her house. He got angry at me and said he would be going to a bar that shut at 2am. I didn't want to go home alone but didn't want to go out. He said we should just go home then and I had ruined his only chance to go out in London and I was so boring to go home (it was a weeknight and most places were closed). I said i didnt see the point in getting the bus and spending more money when we were so close to home but fine we will go for one drink and I would just have a soft drink. He had already threatened to leave me and get on the bus alone while at the bus stop. We arrived at a bar and he ordered his beer and continued to say I was moody and why did I come if I didn't want to be there. I continued to talk and be happy while he finished his drink and then he decided he would order another, I was so angry I offered one drink and he wanted to stay out. I said I compromised by getting the bus so he could have the one drink and he said he compromises all the time going home. He suggested he would just send me home alone so he could stay out alone. We also only had one key to the house so icwould have had to stay up anyway. I don't understand why he wants to stay in bars alone and not come back with me. It was 2am at this point and I stayed to let him finish his second drink. Finally he finished and I just wanted to get the bus, he agreed to leave but was not happy and he said he could have had another drink instead of waiting the extra 10 minutes outside for the bus as final call had just rang. I felt sick at this point and just wanted my bed and he said i was making it up. He said he was annoyed we always do what I want to do and go home and I ruined his plans for London. I was very tired and just wanted to sleep and the bar was pretty empty by then anyway. I was upset the next day would be ruined as I would be exhausted.

We just got married last year and he has stopped staying up late to drink in the house. We even stopped drinking for months running up to our honeymoon. I am worried its now returning to how it was. I don't want to split up with him because I do love being with him but I don't know what to do about the drinking. Do we try therapy? Am I in the wrong worrying?

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 03/10/2024 10:01

He is an alcoholic - don't let the dry spell fool you. Some alcoholics may stop drinking for a while, but when they start again the addiction kicks in again - as you have seen. As your DH will deny it, there really is nothing you can do. My mum was married to an alcoholic, as one point he was dry for nearly 10 years. But then he started drinking again.... There is literally nothing you can do to change his problematic relationship with alcohol. My advice is to split up before you have children. So sorry.

candlewhickgreen · 03/10/2024 10:03

He sounds like an alcoholic and you're in denial. I don't understand why you're continually surprised that someone with a drinking problem wants to drink.

He's being selfish and inconsiderate because that's what alcoholics are like; drink is their priority.

I suggest you look into Al Anon which is the organisation for those who have loved ones who are alcoholics. I also recommend reading up about co dependency.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 10:04

Please say no children involved in this?

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 10:05

it sounds like you too are drinking far too much

Mrsttcno1 · 03/10/2024 10:09

I think some people are like this with alcohol, one of my BIL is like this. He can take or leave alcohol for months on end but then once he has 1 beer he cannot stop until there is literally no other place he can physically get a drink so he HAS to go home. It’s not healthy.

ByGoldQuail · 03/10/2024 10:34

Thanks for taking the time to read this! I will add we don't have kids, are in our 30s. We don't drink every weekend and I would say this happens more when we go away or on holiday.

OP posts:
Whereoneartharewe · 03/10/2024 10:36

He is in an alcoholic.
Once an alcoholic always and alcoholic : once an alcholic has one drink its impossible to moderate and stop at one or two or a reasonable social amount. They have to keep on drinking.
But alcoholics can and do not drink at all - for long periods of time. The thing is to avoid that first drink that starts the cravings off again.
So you need to accept that you can't just drink socially with him. But it's really up to him to recognise his problem and do something about it . He's the only one who can do that.
There are organisations to help those living with alcoholics - such as Al- anon.

PropertyGeek525 · 03/10/2024 11:31

Does he have ADHD? He could be chasing dopamine hits and finding it hard to transition when it’s time to go home. Would it be better for him to go out without you sometimes and plan an all-nighter? That way you won’t be relying on him the next day.

Staying out all night is clearly not your thing so keep your boundaries in place and be prepared to go home alone if he doesn’t respect that.

If it turns out you are not compatible and you are unable to come to a compromise that suits you both then it maybe time to consider whether this is something you want to put up with long term.

candlewhickgreen · 03/10/2024 11:43

ByGoldQuail · 03/10/2024 10:34

Thanks for taking the time to read this! I will add we don't have kids, are in our 30s. We don't drink every weekend and I would say this happens more when we go away or on holiday.

If you're going to put up with it be prepared for it to escalate as they always get worse. Keep an eye out for secret drinking (hiding bottles, disguising booze). Make sure you get a cab home and get another key cut.

All the best.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 14:40

It started a few years ago when I would go to bed at midnight or 1am after having a bottle of wine and a few spirit mixers at the weekend. I would later wake up in bed at 5am and he would still be downstairs drinking alone.

This sounds like both of you need to seriously cut back on drinking op

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